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I've always wanted to get married. But I got swept up in the culture that says it was old fashioned, and it's better to date around and be casual (internet dating ).
I was afraid to tell men up front that I wanted marriage and kids for life. I didn't want to be the one to force him to commit to me, because I was afraid he'd resent me, cheat behind my back, or I'd just scare him away immediately before we got to know one another. I figured if I would pretend to be the go with the flow type, casual, he'd think I was refreshing, fun, pressure-less and he'd eventually change his mind and commit to me first. This never happened because I'd eventually develop feelings anyway, while he still didn't make the move to commit. I would end up hurt and resentful because my scheme didn't work.
So the reason I was afraid of commitment, is because I didn't want to scare him away, make him feel trapped, or have him resent me, and he'd end up cheating anyway. Not because I didn't want the commitment. I think some men are afraid to commit for different reasons. If they can find something casual, they're perfectly okay without ulterior motives or expectations, and they really don't want to commit.
When I met my husband, he saw through all that, and swept me off my feet like I always wanted. He was ready for marriage and saw me as someone he'd want to spend his life with. To think I almost pushed him away because I was the 'independent, noncommittal, tough girl' type, having been jaded by the internet dating scene for a bit.
What are some reasons you are/were afraid to commit? Is it more about the culture that we're forced into now? Can anyone relate?
I generally ignore whatever the culture supposedly says or does, and do what I want. It sounds like you were choosing the wrong guys before you found your husband. As for the It's-not-PC-to-want-marriage thing, that's only a subculture that supports that, btw. It's a big world out there with a tremendous variety of people, views, and goals. Be true to yourself, and you'll waste less time with people who aren't a good fit.
Not really sure if it's really fear of commitment. It is in some cases but not all.
When it comes to dating, honesty is always the best policy. It's best to lay everything on the table, if it runs them away then so be it. My friend told me I am too forward but I really don't care. I don't have time to waste mental energy on trying to play being something I am not. Feelings are not to be taken lightly.
I don't think I was ever afraid to commit, although I can see it happening to me. I am not gung-ho on the idea of possibly being a caregiver in less than 10 years' time, or at all, really. So unless a man is in really good health, I'm going to be a little bit leery of commitment, and the older he is, the more hesitant I'm going to be.
You distill it all down, a la a good still in the mountains and at the end of the day what drips out is good ol fashioned fear of getting their hearts broken.....
You distill it all down, a la a good still in the mountains and at the end of the day what drips out is good ol fashioned fear of getting their hearts broken.....
Or death. An older friend of mine told me not long ago that she doesn't want to deal with grieving the loss of a husband or partner again. Something to consider when one is in one's 60s, I suppose.
Or death. An older friend of mine told me not long ago that she doesn't want to deal with grieving the loss of a husband or partner again. Something to consider when one is in one's 60s, I suppose.
My dad lost his wife this past may and he's been a mess... sort of terrifies me... to be honest... I take mrs. chow for granted in that respect.....
as to men, 42 million divorces filed on them since 1975 no fault divorce.
asking about that is like asking the russians after 42 million deaths why they dont like germans.
as to men, 42 million divorces filed on them since 1975 no fault divorce. asking about that is like asking the russians after 42 million deaths why they dont like germans.
lolol! But Russia has another history with Germans, a more positive experience, if you push back farther into history. Catherine the Great was German. Russians have positive associations with Germany, not just negative.
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