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First off I want to introduce myself since I'm new here and this is my first post, ever, on a forum. So please forgive me if I'm doing this wrong or something.
That's when we started arguing way more than normal and I felt like he was hiding something and something very bad was going on. I confronted him about it and, of course, he denied it, but I had this horrible, gut feeling that something wasn't right (women's instinct) so I did something very wrong and snooped in his phone and computer. He belongs to some bodybuilding/powerlifting forum and is extremely active on it. It takes up a lot of his time and he's also a VERY private person.
Anyway, I figured out his login info and what I found proved that my gut was right. He was communicating with a woman on there and the worst of the topics was about sex. I was unbelievably hurt by this and couldn't keep it in so I confronted him. He claimed it was all innocent and that it was about their sex drives only and that he wasn't being inappropriate or disrespectful at all. I begged him to let me read it so he could prove me wrong and he refused. So naturally I assumed that he was being bad.
Eventually he let me read it and even though i didn't like it and was uncomfortable with it, there wasn't really anything real bad said. After about a week of constant fighting and almost calling it quits he agreed to tell me in the future when he talked to her and what it was about. Then about 2 weeks later I get the same feeling. I snoop again. I find out that he asked her for pictures. I bring it up. He tried to delete it to try and prove me wrong but I had already taken a photo of it for evidence. This time he swears he not doing anything wrong and that it's not what I think. He says it's all about her gains in the gym and stuff like that but it still bothered me that he was so into a woman when there's a lot of men on there.
So I drop it and hope for the best and start to believe him and trust him again. I also periodically snooped just to see if he was keeping his word and he was. Until about 3 weeks ago. This time he's gone WAY too far for my comfort and it's destroying me and our relationship. It all started again innocently but then it's like he became obsessed. He was ignoring me, hardly talking to me, and we started fighting really bad. I could just feel that he was detaching from me and attaching to her. I told him that I felt like his heart wasn't mine anymore and that he was in love with someone else. During all of this I was addicted to snooping. First it was compliments. Then he started doing special things for her in his videos (he makes progress videos). He actually made 2 videos of the same thing but the one he made special for her I couldn't see because he posted it on the forum only and I can only see what's on YouTube.
Wait there's more. They started sending private messages on the forum and then exchanged email addresses and Facebook info.
I should probably mention that he rarely does anything romantic or special for me and almost never goes out of his way do to anything sweet or nice for me like he has been for her. He also keeps his weightlifting forum life 99.9% secret from me. They have been talking about meeting up in person (even though we live in Ohio and she lives in New England somewhere), they've been emailing and he's looked her up on Facebook a few times but he won't friend her because I'll see it and then I'll know.
I've tried to explain emotional affairs and told him that I think he's having one because of how horrible our relationship has been lately but he denies that anything's amiss and he thinks emotional affairs aren't real and that I watch too much sappy TV.
Today I found a piece of paper that had partially her real name and partially her forum name on it that he had written. I think it's supposed to be a nickname that he was thinking of calling her but I could be wrong.
This is killing me inside and consuming my life. I don't want to lose him but if he finds out I snooped again he will leave me. I don't know what to do. PLEASE HELP!
You're afraid of him leaving you?? REALLY?
Why aren't YOU leaving him?
Last edited by lovesMountains; 10-13-2014 at 11:40 PM..
OP, like it or not, your relationship is over. If I were you, I'd cut my losses ASAP and move on - break off the engagement if you can. DO NOT marry him!!
This is my little bits. If I were you I would take the time that you took to write this novel to move out!
If a man love his girl from his heart mind and soul he would not even look at another woman it is same for woman too.
I am afraid you lost him. Just move on.
Let's see. He's a liar and a cheat and you're a pathological snoop. Does this sound like a recipe for a successful marriage? What would you tell a friend who came to you with this scenario?
SOmetimes the only way to save a relationship is with a drastic measure. Move out. He will realize what he's lost and change. If he doesn't come around, you are in a better place to move on with your life.
I know it sucks right now. But believe it or not, time heals these things. I'm like you, I hold on too long and don't know how to let go. Thankfully, my husband is a good man. But I've been in relationships in the past that I couldn't seem to extract myself from. It is disempowering to let him call the shots in this scenario. Do the impossible! Take control of the situation. If for no other reason, then to be not be played for a fool.
Deep down I know I should probably leave but I really want to fix this and make it work. I'm just really unsure of how to go about it. Is there a way to prove to someone that emotional affairs are real? Or a way to get him to see and realize that what he's doing is wrong without him knowing I snooped?
You can't fix it. It's a normal reaction to think you can save a relationship like this, but in most cases the whole relationship has been an illusion. You're just seeing the truth.
You were in a long distance relationship with him for all of those years. You never really knew him.
It's awful and painful but you will be so much better off if you move back home and start over. There's nothing to be ashamed of.
Just tell your friends and family that he wasn't the person you thought he was and leave it at that. Simple truth.
If you marry this man, I can describe your life 5 years from now.
He learns to get much, much better at lying and hiding his cheating.
You spend every waking minute of your day wondering how he's lying to you and how to find out.
This WILL cause you to lose just about every shred of self respect or happiness you might have had.
You both end up resenting one another and now maybe you have a kid or two who will be affected, as well.
What an unhappy, unfulfilling life. Your partner should be your friend, first and foremost. I don't stay friends with people who lie and deceive me. Why would I? Nobody's perfect, that's true, but if a person continually causes you mental anguish, they don't have your best interests at heart.
There's not a way to "fix" this. You either choose to put yourself second and accept emotional infidelity or you don't. You can only decide what you're going to do... not what he's going to do.
So basically everyone's saying there's no possible way to salvage this relationship and that I should just give up? There's got to be a way to fix it.
You can't change HIM. In the last seven months of living together, you've finally gotten to know the real person he is. And maybe, you both need to figure out how to live with each other. And each having some private personal space after marriage is important.
How old are the two of you? How do you feel about his bodybuilding hobby? What if you got into some bodybuilding activities in order to share a common interest?
Also, what drew the two of you to each other in the first place? Just looks and personal chemistry? IMO for a long term to work, a couple needs to have more than that to live happily ever after. They need common life goals (kids, house, retirement situation), common interests and activities (more than just good sex) and share some common friends. So if bodybuilding is your fiance's main hobby, then you need to see if you can share that interest with him. And also find some other activities to share with him. Just getting married and having kids together isn't going to "fix" your relationship.
Right now, most of us are questioning your collective compatibility factors.
First of all, 7 years in a long distance relationship means nothing. It's not even a relationship; it's just somebody you talked to on the phone all that time.
As soon as you moved in together, you both knew it wasn't going to work. You shouldn't have gotten engaged before you test drove the car, as it were.
Just move on with your life. And next time meet somebody face-to-face, not online.
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