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All right – So I’m at a bit of a loss and am hoping to get some help here. I’ve been trying online dating with both OK Cupid and POF without much success at all, and I’m trying to pinpoint what it is. I realize it’s a numbers game and not everyone is going to respond, but I feel like I should be having *some* level of success and getting at least first dates.
Quick thing about me: I just turned 25 and live and work in the suburbs of Chicago with one of my college buddies – Don’t have much of an interest in living or working downtown. Since graduating college, I’ve joined a few running and biking clubs here, two of my main interests. I’ve been very involved and made a friend group with people around my age. I was hoping that that friend group would lead to a relationship with either someone in it or one of the group’s friends, neither of which really happened – all of the girls in the group are in relationships and most don’t have a ton of outside friends or they are already taken / not interested.
Needless to say, I’m stuck – I’m already active and doing stuff, have a regular 9-5 and have friends and am apart of groups. I haven’t had a girlfriend since college, and next best thing I could think of to meet new girls is OLD. I’m pretty introverted and have a hard time approaching random people at bars (haven’t been in months) or in public, unless introduced or something. That being said, once I have a conversation going, I’m fine.
I’ve been a part of those two sites for a few years and go on and off with them. Usually when I get really busy, I won’t go on for a while, then when I’ve got free time, I’ll get back on.
I only message girls who I think there is actual compatibility with – both physically and interests (athletic and outdoorsy), goals, etc. I usually say something funny and ask a few questions about themselves based on what they wrote in their profile. I’m talking about pretty normal down to earth girls – no the party type or anything.
I’d say I probably hear back from 10-15% of them, if that. A decent amount (maybe 40-50%) will look at my profile, but I won’t hear back from them.
The couple that I hear back from, usually I get one message back, or maybe two, then they stop replying. First couple messages are like:
Quote:
ME:
Hey Cari,
Which 15k are you training for? If it's Hot Chocolate, I've heard a lot of good things about that race!
So what exactly do you do as a Patient Care Tech? I have a few friends who are either in Med school or are finishing up nursing school like yourself, and talking with them, it seems like a great way to be able to connect with and help others (even if it's stressful!)
Anyways, hope you have a great night!
Brandon
HER:
Hey Brandon, yep it is the hot chocolate run! I'm pretty pumped for it haha! What races have you done before?
Haha well I work as a patient care tech at a psych hospital, so some of my responsibilities are a tad bit different than at regular medical facilities. So with my job, I do rounds on patients every 15 minutes. I also help some patients with some hygiene stuff. I also go through the patients belongings to make sure they don't have anything that they could hurt theirselves or others with. So it's pretty interesting. It always a new experience there haha! What do you do?!
ME:
Yay good guess! First time doing it? You supposedly get a really awesome hoodie at packet pickup!
I've run wayyyy too many races to count, but just for marathons this year I've done Boston, Green Bay, Twin Cities and will be doing Indianapolis in a few weeks. Ha. I guess I run a lot, but I get to travel to see some really cool places though!
Your job sounds like every day is a new adventure. What originally got you into that? I bet you have a few crazy stories from patients. Do you plan on staying there after you finish school?
I work in email marketing in higher education; essentially I build out email campaigns that targets specific student groups to help gain their attention and encourage them to enroll classes.
Sometimes I’ll get a few messages back and forth. If I get to maybe 4-5 days’ worth of messages, I’ll ask to see if she’s free on XYZ day to grab coffee, check out a festival, etc. But then, nothing. Either it dies out before that point, or they don’t respond when I ask about meeting up. I’ve only met up with two girls in the past few years, both of which didn’t get past the first date (one I could tell just wanted to get laid, the other just talked about herself the whole time)
This has me thinking – either there’s something in my profile that’s jumping out as a flag that I don’t realize, or I’m saying something wrong in these messages. I know I’m not that attractive, but I at least like to think my personality and ambition makes up for some of it?
I've had a few friends (who are in relationships) ask why I'm looking -- they are like, "You have a good job, you're interesting, you travel to really cool places, and you're involved in a ton of things." I'm like -- sure, on the surface I'm happy and do a ton of things. But deep down I have this loneliness and want to be able to share those experiences with someone.
I don't know, I liked your profile in that nothing huge stood out to me. I even thought you list of things I am good at was pretty funny. And you are a good looking guy too (and in shape no doubt).
You are too young for me, but assuming you were older I probably wouldn't be interested in you because (while I run for exercise) I am not a marathon runner or competitive runner and I can't afford to travel a lot and both of those seem big to you. I would think I would be a drag on you and your lifestyle because both of those seem huge to you. So it might be that your profile is too specialized... maybe? Perhaps playing down the travel and running and adding other things like favorite restaurants or TV shows (or books) or something to round it out more?
The only other thing I can add is that a lot of the women in your age range are still in college. So while the age range you are searching for is a good, wide one. It's artificially smaller simply because (and this might be a wrong assumption on my part) I don't think many college-aged women online date. I would think they are in an environment where "offline" dating is easier OR they are focusing on the end years of their studies and not dating. But again, your age range seems good, so I am not sure what you could really do about that.
Hopefully others will have better suggestions than I.
In my limited experience from waay back in OLD's infancy (late 90s)...
People are picker online than in real life. In real life, you can get that sense of someone's "x-factor" - that "thing" about them that you like, despite them being initially not your type. When a real person is there in front of you, you're subconsciously more inclined to appreciate their positives over their negatives, where on a computer screen with a stranger, that is less likely to happen.
In my limited experience from waay back in OLD's infancy (late 90s)...
People are picker online than in real life. In real life, you can get that sense of someone's "x-factor" - that "thing" about them that you like, despite them being initially not your type. When a real person is there in front of you, you're subconsciously more inclined to appreciate their positives over their negatives, where on a computer screen with a stranger, that is less likely to happen.
This is very true... heck, I just gave you an example of it. I said I would have passed by your profile because I got the impression from it that we didn't have much in common. But if I had met you (or someone like you) in person, I might just click with that person simply through conversation (despite not having much in common). You get the sense of the "whole person."
It's the combination of people "online shopping" for a date plus the fact that you have to condense your whole being, your whole essence, your soul (so to speak) into just a few lines on a webpage. It's like reading the back jacket copy of a New York Time's best seller. That summary never compares to the book itself. A summary of a person can never do a person justice and is probably part of what's making it harder for you.
I'm sure it's a looks issue, but nothing you can do about that. Online dating is tough.
You're sure? Why is that? I thought it was you who said that women didn't just want to date Brad Pitt look alikes. I don't think OP looks bad. He's an average looking dude. The only thing I'd suggest in terms of appearance is maybe having his main profile pic as something more fashionable, maybe a suit and tie. The other pics will just be supplemental.
There are fat, ugly women getting dates on those sites all the time, so anyone is fair game for OLD IMO. So unless you're insinuating that women are far more shallow than men, I don't think it's OP's appearance that's inhibiting his ability to find dates. However, he may need to be more aggressive in closing the deal though. With OLD, especially given the fact that most women's (hot or not) inboxes are getting lit up each day, you need to get straight to the point pretty quickly. Otherwise, they'll have another one lined up within a day or so.
You're sure? Why is that? I thought it was you who said that women didn't just want to date Brad Pitt look alikes. I don't think OP looks bad. He's an average looking dude. The only thing I'd suggest in terms of appearance is maybe having his main profile pic as something more fashionable, maybe a suit and tie. The other pics will just be supplemental.
There are fat, ugly women getting dates on those sites all the time, so anyone is fair game for OLD IMO. So unless you're insinuating that women are far more shallow than men, I don't think it's OP's appearance that's inhibiting his ability to find dates. However, he may need to be more aggressive in closing the deal though. With OLD, especially given the fact that most women's (hot or not) inboxes are getting lit up each day, you need to get straight to the point pretty quickly. Otherwise, they'll have another one lined up within a day or so.
You're sure? Why is that? I thought it was you who said that women didn't just want to date Brad Pitt look alikes. I don't think OP looks bad. He's an average looking dude. The only thing I'd suggest in terms of appearance is maybe having his main profile pic as something more fashionable, maybe a suit and tie. The other pics will just be supplemental.
There are fat, ugly women getting dates on those sites all the time, so anyone is fair game for OLD IMO. So unless you're insinuating that women are far more shallow than men, I don't think it's OP's appearance that's inhibiting his ability to find dates. However, he may need to be more aggressive in closing the deal though. With OLD, especially given the fact that most women's (hot or not) inboxes are getting lit up each day, you need to get straight to the point pretty quickly. Otherwise, they'll have another one lined up within a day or so.
I'm definitely not saying that I think the OP isn't attractive enough to get ANY dates. However, people online can be very nitpicky and the OP is only 25. Young women in their 20s dismiss guys for lots of superficial reasons, and I'm assuming that's the age range he's targeting.
Here's me cleaned up. I wasn't sure if it was worth putting this up or if it's too... over the top?
I think you look a lot better in this picture than the one you posted for your profile (although that one isn't "bad" either.... maybe leave it up as one of your other pictures). I also think you cleaned up adds another dimension to you as well--the professional you as well as the athletic you. I also like the black and white too (although that might not be everyone's cup of tea).
You could use it for a while and see if it improves things. If not, take it down.
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