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Well I met this older guy online we've been talking he hasn't been married and he doesn't have any children. He's in his late 40's and I'm in my late 20's. He lives in another state and I'll be going to see him in a few months. I do like him and I'm hoping that we might at least end up being friends. I'm not even sure what will happen when I meet him I figure we'd just talk and go out to dinner and nothing more well I'm not expecting anything more.
I think you're getting a little ahead of yourself, Spring.
Sure, go meet him. Why not? You might even like him and date him for a while. No biggie.
But you are a young, vibrant woman of 29. He's 20 years older. He's always going to be 20 years older. Think about that. Put your romantic notions aside for a minute and ponder the reality of it. It's no surprise that there are older men on CD who are all in favor of the much older man/much younger woman relationship. Of course they would be. An older man GREATLY benefits from being with a much younger woman. In the long run, however, there are FAR fewer benefits for the younger woman with the much older man.
Having said that, it can really all depend on the younger woman. We always like to think of the "younger woman" as an energetic, fit specimen of youth and fertility. That's not always the case. Far from it, in fact. I've known women in long-term relationships with a much older men, and it's clear why they are. The woman might be, say, 35 chronologically, but has the presence of a much older woman. In all fairness to them, however, perhaps being with a man so much older for so long contributed to that. That's something else to consider.
Last edited by newdixiegirl; 10-18-2014 at 04:45 PM..
Or does the older man usually just want sex from a younger woman? Like if he's not married or doesn't have any kids and has never been married. Is it something wrong if a man in his late 40's likes a woman in her late 20's? Do you think it's possible for them to actually fall in love? I know most people say that younger women only like older men for financial reasons but is that always the case? I mean why can't the younger woman just genuinely like the older man? Why is that so hard to believe? How would a younger woman know if a older man is genuinely interested in her as a person and just not for sex or a fling?
Yes but there is something wrong with him if it happens. Developmentally, an older man should have nothing in common with a younger woman. My dh was 31 and I was 19 when we married. The fact that he had anything in common with a 19 yo should have been a big red flag but I was 19 and too much in love. Well, fast forward a few years and I continued to mature and realized too late that he was as mature as he was going to get. While I was a mature 19 yo, he was an immature 31 yo. I'm no longer that immature 19 yo. I can't say he's grown up much. Sometimes I feel like I have a third child.
IMO, red flags should be going off all over the place if there is a large age gap. While he may be using her for sex and she may be interested in a father figure to take care of her, it also may be that he's just immature for his age but the problem here is an immature older man is unlikely to ever mature while a younger immature woman is.
So are you saying that the older man may fall in love with the younger woman. More so than the younger woman would fall in love with the older man?
I work with a lot of people from all ages. I have seen married older men fall in lust with the much younger co-workers. If these guys knew the younger women would consider a relationship with them, I'm sure a few of these older married guys would leave their wives and families.
Yes but there is something wrong with him if it happens. Developmentally, an older man should have nothing in common with a younger woman. My dh was 31 and I was 19 when we married. The fact that he had anything in common with a 19 yo should have been a big red flag but I was 19 and too much in love. Well, fast forward a few years and I continued to mature and realized too late that he was as mature as he was going to get. While I was a mature 19 yo, he was an immature 31 yo. I'm no longer that immature 19 yo. I can't say he's grown up much. Sometimes I feel like I have a third child.
IMO, red flags should be going off all over the place if there is a large age gap. While he may be using her for sex and she may be interested in a father figure to take care of her, it also may be that he's just immature for his age but the problem here is an immature older man is unlikely to ever mature while a younger immature woman is.
your response assumes that man in this relationship has the "developmental defect" and immature, an odd assumption considering there are two consenting adults involved.
i would wager to say that any two adults who consent to have an intimate romantic relationship are both imperfect humans.
I think you're getting a little ahead of yourself, Spring.
Sure, go meet him. Why not? You might even like him and date him for a while. No biggie.
But you are a young, vibrant woman of 29. He's 20 years older. He's always going to be 20 years older. Think about that. Put your romantic notions aside for a minute and ponder the reality of it. It's no surprise that there are older men on CD who are all in favor of the much older man/much younger woman relationship. Of course they would be. An older man GREATLY benefits from being with a much younger woman. In the long run, however, there are FAR fewer benefits for the younger woman with the much older man.
Having said that, it can really all depend on the younger woman. We always like to think of the "younger woman" as an energetic, fit specimen of youth and fertility. That's not always the case. Far from it, in fact. I've known women in long-term relationships with a much older men, and it's clear why they are. The woman might be, say, 35 chronologically, but has the presence of a much older woman. In all fairness to them, however, perhaps being with men so much older for so long contributed to it. That's something else to consider.
I'm actually 27 and yes I understand this is why I said I don't expect anything to happen. I'm not sure why you say I am getting ahead of myself though.
Yes but there is something wrong with him if it happens. Developmentally, an older man should have nothing in common with a younger woman. My dh was 31 and I was 19 when we married. The fact that he had anything in common with a 19 yo should have been a big red flag but I was 19 and too much in love. Well, fast forward a few years and I continued to mature and realized too late that he was as mature as he was going to get. While I was a mature 19 yo, he was an immature 31 yo. I'm no longer that immature 19 yo. I can't say he's grown up much. Sometimes I feel like I have a third child.
IMO, red flags should be going off all over the place if there is a large age gap. While he may be using her for sex and she may be interested in a father figure to take care of her, it also may be that he's just immature for his age but the problem here is an immature older man is unlikely to ever mature while a younger immature woman is.
I know that some people tend to think that the younger woman has daddy issues if she likes an older man but I personally don't at all. Yes I agree that maybe the older man might be immature which after reading this might be a problem.
I think you're getting a little ahead of yourself, Spring.
But you are a young, vibrant woman of 29. He's 20 years older. He's always going to be 20 years older. Think about that. Put your romantic notions aside for a minute and ponder the reality of it. It's no surprise that there are older men on CD who are all in favor of the much older man/much younger woman relationship. Of course they would be. An older man GREATLY benefits from being with a much younger woman. In the long run, however, there are FAR fewer benefits for the younger woman with the much older man.
Can you imagine if the OP is real and genuine, the relationship blossoms into marriage, and she ends up taking care of both her parents and her potential husband in a nursing home at the same time as they both age?
Now nothing has happened and nothing might, but the hardships this woman might possibly endure taking care of three elderly people? Assuming all three develop health problems roughly around the same time. I'm sure it's happened to people who have married others as old or older than their parents.
So let's say if I met the guy and we ended up having a one night stand. (I'm not saying that this is right or that I want to do this). I just mean do you think it's possible that neither one of us will want anything more? Being as though it would have only happened once?
so are you admitting that the love you believed you had at the time with these older men was an error in judgment? a relationship mistake you now regret and in hindsight it wasn't really love? that it was just based on a fantasy you created, not once but twice?
how does this compare to the love you had with men of your own age? do you likewise doubt it was real love you experienced at the time? or was it true love with these same age men but it just evolved into something and someone you didn't want anymore? any chance your somehow rationalize all prior broken relationship as dysfunctional/defective in one way or another to help you come to terms with it, so it really doesn't matter what age group of the man?
i believe ppl come into you life for a reason and all relationships are of a limited duration, particularly those you open your heart to. and while my prior relationships didn't work out, it doesn't mean it or my SO were mistakes i made. i grew as a person and in my understanding in love and relationship. i don't expect my SOs to "put me on a pedestal" but i certainly expect her to have some pride for being romantically involved with me, just as i do the same with her. to not honor, respect and have pride in your SO is probably more problematic that age difference revelations you mentioned.
and while your experience may be different from mine, it doesn't mean others will have the same experience as you, or that somehow you had an epiphany where you discovered a universal truth about dating older men, particularly when you have admitted prior errors in judgment for mate selection.
I don't hold myself up as knowing a universal truth. But as a woman in my 40s, yes, I have a wisdom and a confidence that I certainly didn't possess in my 20s or even my 30s (and I say that as someone who's never been a timid wallflower).
As for having made prior errors in judgment, you are correct there. But I can assure you that I have been in FAR fewer relationships than most people my age or slightly older have been, including, I imagine, you. I am highly selective, and I've NEVER felt a "need" to be in relationships. I was married once for 22 years. Prior to meeting my husband in my early 20s, I was in two LTRs. One was my high school sweetheart, who I truly like as a person to this day. A good, honorable, fun guy. The second was with the man 18 years my senior. I truly don't know what it was I saw in him. I think it was all about who I WANTED him to be according to what I needed as a young woman at the time.
However, where my ex husband is concerned, I again let my romantic notions about the qualities I believed an older man possesses cloud my ability to see reality. I didn't listen to my instincts about our incompatibility, and I take full responsibility for that. He, in turn, was able to get away with his flaws and limitations with a younger woman (me) than he would have with a smarter woman his own age. A woman in her 30s would have, as Newbie says, called him on his stuff.
I'm newly divorced after an almost 2-year separation, and I haven't been involved with anyone. I've had quite a few men express interest in that time (as they did during my marriage), but I've only met one I'm truly interested in. He - to my great surprise - is somewhat younger (NEVER thought that would happen).
(Yes, as shocking as it apparently is for you, Doc, women in their 40s can be very attractive and fit. I know I'm not an anomaly as a 40-something woman when I say this, but I do not in any way lack male attention).
I think you're getting a little ahead of yourself, Spring.
Sure, go meet him. Why not? You might even like him and date him for a while. No biggie.
But you are a young, vibrant woman of 29. He's 20 years older. He's always going to be 20 years older. Think about that. Put your romantic notions aside for a minute and ponder the reality of it. It's no surprise that there are older men on CD who are all in favor of the much older man/much younger woman relationship. Of course they would be. An older man GREATLY benefits from being with a much younger woman. In the long run, however, there are FAR fewer benefits for the younger woman with the much older man.
Having said that, it can really all depend on the younger woman. We always like to think of the "younger woman" as an energetic, fit specimen of youth and fertility. That's not always the case. Far from it, in fact. I've known women in long-term relationships with a much older men, and it's clear why they are. The woman might be, say, 35 chronologically, but has the presence of a much older woman. In all fairness to them, however, perhaps being with men so much older for so long contributed to it. That's something else to consider.
it's a mistake to assume there are not mutual benefits involved, and as to whether they are "equal" or otherwise, it's probably safe to say that it's the perspective of the beneficiary that matters, particularly since all relationships are different.
and as for the long-run issues, i agree. but who said every one of these age difference relationships had to end up in marriage, involve kids, or last forever? why couldn't it be a mutually beneficial relationship of a limited duration, like until it's no longer good for either as in any other relationship?
and as far as more men supporting these types of relationship, fact of the matter is not all men can dating younger women. while many older men like the idea, many younger women would not date them for various reasons. these type of relationships are an exception to the rule of dating within your own age group. and so what you are arguing against is for OP not to explore that option, even though some women have in fact found love and fullfilment in a relationship with an older man. something to think about...
funny how the "don't date him, he is not good for in the long run" rule somehow reminds of the situation where women date bad boys and other men with no LTR potential, yet it still occurs with some regularity. huh...
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