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Old 10-27-2014, 06:30 PM
 
1 posts, read 4,615 times
Reputation: 11

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Hello, so I was wondering if someone could give me some advice or.. something. To be honest I'm not sure what exactly I'm looking for, maybe understanding. My wife doesn't like to talk about how she feels, and what I mean by that is, the conversations we have hardly scratch the surface of how deep some conversations should go. I understand that not every convo needs to be a deep one, but it seems so superficial when all she brings up is the things like food, or TV. And when I bring up my day it seems like she doesn't really care because it's always the same answer( "oh ok" or "mmhmm").. Where is the want to dive further into my day?.. I think the biggest issue I have is the fact that she doesn't take initiative.. EVER.. I'm currently deployed to korea and it seems like I always am the one trying to start a convo. We talk about it and there seems to be understanding over the phone.. but why doesn't anything change? it's always me conforming to her wants and needs and wanting to make her happy. But the interest to make me happy doesn't seem (to me) to be on one of her to do lists.. I feel like if it's "convenient" for her then she'll message or call or w/e.. why I try to go out of my way to do things.. like go out of my way to tell her how much I love her and keep it spontaneous. I understand that people receive love differently then others, it just gets frustrating that she knows what I need in order to feel loved (because we talked about it plenty of times) and she just doesn't do it.. things might change for about 3 days, but then it usually goes back to the way things are. heh I dunno.. I do love her a lot.. and I really just want her for who she is, and I guess wanting something she's not is.. wrong. I wish I could be selfless and not want so much, it's just tough.. especially when it feels like I'm the only one who's trying to make the distance seem.. closer then what it actually is.

Thanks please excuse the spelling... sorry.
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Old 10-27-2014, 06:35 PM
 
8,781 posts, read 9,401,162 times
Reputation: 9547
Maybe she just hates conflict?

It's pretty hard to have conflicts is you never share information. There is nothing to incite discussion or yourself if you keep it away from others
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Old 10-27-2014, 07:15 PM
 
6,720 posts, read 8,331,424 times
Reputation: 10409
You have talked plenty about what you need to feel loved, now you need to find out what she needs to feel loved. There may be some kind of disconnect in your relationship, and I suspect its due to the separation. Maybe words are not what makes her feel loved.

Good luck to you!
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Old 10-27-2014, 07:27 PM
 
15,714 posts, read 21,007,390 times
Reputation: 12818
Some folks don't like to share...makes them vulnerable. You are deployed right now and long distance, so it's easier to keep some space between you and protect herself.
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Old 10-27-2014, 07:32 PM
 
4,040 posts, read 4,838,444 times
Reputation: 5352
How long have you been married? It sounds like the two of you have grown apart due to the deployments. How do things go when you're home? Once you're done with your deployments, you should set about rekindling the romance. Getting to know each other all over again. Overseas assignments can be brutal on a relationship.
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Old 10-27-2014, 10:58 PM
 
1,226 posts, read 1,442,911 times
Reputation: 1294
Quote:
Originally Posted by OmniMJB View Post
Hello, so I was wondering if someone could give me some advice or.. something. To be honest I'm not sure what exactly I'm looking for, maybe understanding. My wife doesn't like to talk about how she feels, and what I mean by that is, the conversations we have hardly scratch the surface of how deep some conversations should go. I understand that not every convo needs to be a deep one, but it seems so superficial when all she brings up is the things like food, or TV. And when I bring up my day it seems like she doesn't really care because it's always the same answer( "oh ok" or "mmhmm").. Where is the want to dive further into my day?.. I think the biggest issue I have is the fact that she doesn't take initiative.. EVER.. I'm currently deployed to korea and it seems like I always am the one trying to start a convo. We talk about it and there seems to be understanding over the phone.. but why doesn't anything change? it's always me conforming to her wants and needs and wanting to make her happy. But the interest to make me happy doesn't seem (to me) to be on one of her to do lists.. I feel like if it's "convenient" for her then she'll message or call or w/e.. why I try to go out of my way to do things.. like go out of my way to tell her how much I love her and keep it spontaneous. I understand that people receive love differently then others, it just gets frustrating that she knows what I need in order to feel loved (because we talked about it plenty of times) and she just doesn't do it.. things might change for about 3 days, but then it usually goes back to the way things are. heh I dunno.. I do love her a lot.. and I really just want her for who she is, and I guess wanting something she's not is.. wrong. I wish I could be selfless and not want so much, it's just tough.. especially when it feels like I'm the only one who's trying to make the distance seem.. closer then what it actually is.

Thanks please excuse the spelling... sorry.
If you have kids then it's understandable. She's busy taking care of them. If you don't have kids then well, she is just using you. Sorry but I don't think she loves you. You love her though so I know how it's hard to let go of her.

Why did you marry her anyway? I mean besides you loving her I mean did she EVER made you feel loved?
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Old 10-27-2014, 11:06 PM
 
1,324 posts, read 2,005,106 times
Reputation: 1074
Quote:
Originally Posted by OmniMJB View Post
Hello, so I was wondering if someone could give me some advice or.. something. To be honest I'm not sure what exactly I'm looking for, maybe understanding. My wife doesn't like to talk about how she feels, and what I mean by that is, the conversations we have hardly scratch the surface of how deep some conversations should go. I understand that not every convo needs to be a deep one, but it seems so superficial when all she brings up is the things like food, or TV. And when I bring up my day it seems like she doesn't really care because it's always the same answer( "oh ok" or "mmhmm").. Where is the want to dive further into my day?.. I think the biggest issue I have is the fact that she doesn't take initiative.. EVER.. I'm currently deployed to korea and it seems like I always am the one trying to start a convo. We talk about it and there seems to be understanding over the phone.. but why doesn't anything change? it's always me conforming to her wants and needs and wanting to make her happy. But the interest to make me happy doesn't seem (to me) to be on one of her to do lists.. I feel like if it's "convenient" for her then she'll message or call or w/e.. why I try to go out of my way to do things.. like go out of my way to tell her how much I love her and keep it spontaneous. I understand that people receive love differently then others, it just gets frustrating that she knows what I need in order to feel loved (because we talked about it plenty of times) and she just doesn't do it.. things might change for about 3 days, but then it usually goes back to the way things are. heh I dunno.. I do love her a lot.. and I really just want her for who she is, and I guess wanting something she's not is.. wrong. I wish I could be selfless and not want so much, it's just tough.. especially when it feels like I'm the only one who's trying to make the distance seem.. closer then what it actually is.

Thanks please excuse the spelling... sorry.
well me dear fellow brother in arms, you got a problem that you either have to find some resolution or will eventually affect your marriage. i'd go for the direct line of attack and seek marital counseling to see if you guys can come to some common understanding, hopefully. otherwise you will end up living with someone what could surprise you with some long held misunderstanding she never bothered to discuss with you.

good luck bro! been there done that
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Old 10-28-2014, 06:03 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
16,224 posts, read 25,576,328 times
Reputation: 24104
I would sit her down and say whatever you need or want to say, face to face! If she don`t act like she cares, then she more than likely has problems with her marriage, and just keeping it low key.
Its not fair to you, to have a one sided marriage. Communication sounds very important here!!
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Old 10-28-2014, 07:34 AM
 
341 posts, read 452,323 times
Reputation: 338
I'm kind of like your wife. I don't like the deep discussions with my husband. Part of it is that the things he wants to have deep discussion about, I don't really have much to contribute, so it ends up being a monologue, with me prompting with questions, which turns it into a longer monologue, and it gets to be a huge drag. The topics are not particularly interesting to me. I told him this morning that he needs to work on the art of light conversation, just to break up the heavy stuff. It's not like he is particularly interested in having long conversations about "my" stuff, so it's inequitable and irritating. I just got back from the World Series, for example, and he barely asked anything about it or was all that engaged in the stories I was telling him. He was waiting for his turn to talk. Which makes me not that interested in sharing things with him.

The thing is, we DO both love each other. I know he is devoted to me and the kids. Our conversational styles don't match though. I can talk for hours with my friends. But he always wants to talk about serious stuff...and it's just a drag sometimes. The playfulness is what keeps things fresh and fun, so I have to remind him to lighten up.

Pay attention to your conversations with your wife. Is there an exchange of ideas? Or are you taking over the conversation bcs you are afraid of silences or pauses? Maybe to get her to open up you she's the kind of person that needs to be drawn out. Long distance is particularly hard bcs there is a lot of pressure for the conversations to be "productive". Instead of trying so hard to tell her about your day (which she is not a part of, and is maybe making her feel even more disconnected), try some playful banter. Don't get so heavy. Let it be fun. Maybe her life is relatively quiet, so she doesn't have much to talk about...is that part of the issue?
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Old 10-28-2014, 07:46 AM
 
Location: Northern Wisconsin
10,379 posts, read 10,836,279 times
Reputation: 18712
Your wife is who she is. My wife is very similar. She comes home and talks about work, but self disclosure about her feelings is something I rarely have received. I know her much more by her actions. But even then, its hard to tell sometimes if she does things because she wants to or whether she thinks she should. My best advice is just deal with it. You are unlikely to change her.
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