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Old 10-27-2014, 10:57 PM
 
310 posts, read 1,354,991 times
Reputation: 240

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Long story short, been in a relationship for 12 years with this person. We have 2 kids. Not in love anymore, has become abusive and alcoholic tendencies. Was drunk and tried to force sex upon me and I called the police. He destroyed belongings in our home in a drunken rage. I have no family support system. My mother kicked me out at a young age and I have lived with him since. It was never this bad before. I have no feelings left for him and I certainly don't have sexual feelings for him. I am just scared to leave because I've never technically lived "on my own" before. I have been attending counseling at the center for prevention of abuse in spare time after some classes. I'm going to college to obtain an associates degree in something that will pay more than min wage. I just want something that will help me afford a better life for my kids. If I leave him now, that means I'll have to do the school thing AND work full time and I'm not so sure I can handle that, but I can't keep on pretending I feel something for someone who hurt me.

He knows how I feel, its quite obvious the tension and we haven't had sex in a long time and I don't plan to ever, in fact. The thought of it repulses me. He's tried to fix things, acts remorseful, and I've tried to get over everything, but I just can't. Finally pushed to my limit since he did what he did. I don't know what I should do. I have 2 kids, am attending college full time, we only own 1 vehicle which isn't very dependable. If I am on my own as a single mother, what kind of help can I get? I don't want to have to rely on govt. assistance. Also I don't want to have to quit school then I'd owe the financial aid back. I'd much rather do it all on my own, but if I can't then what help is there? What about for a car? Will I still be able to go to school full time and not work? I am worried because the particular program I am in requires a full time attendance during clinicals (medical field) and if I have to work full time to pay bills I just don't see how that would work. I looked into getting a loan for school, but that requires good credit which I have none because I haven't worked for years so.. I just feel very afraid and unprepared. What should I do? Should I pretend until I get through school then leave? I tried to work something out with him regarding my schooling, asked if he would stay until I was finished, but not surprisingly he's not keen on that idea. I don't know what I should do. My main fear is that I'll be stuck in a min wage crappy job unable to go to school and obtain a better future for myself and the kids. Its just not a good situation to be in.

I never planned on what he did, it just happened. I feel guilty, like its my fault maybe. I never thought he'd do this to me. He's always had an issue with drinking and the several times it got out of hand he "swore" it wouldn't happen "again" but it did and it got worse each time and now I feel trapped. And its definitely not a good environment for the kids.
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Old 10-28-2014, 03:12 AM
 
Location: Copenhagen, Denmark
10,931 posts, read 11,691,276 times
Reputation: 13170
Surely, you have a better place than here to turn for advice. You've probably been exposed to lots of alternatives in your counseling sessions. There's no easy route out of your situation that won't require short-term sacrifices to gain long-term benefits.

Good luck.
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Old 10-28-2014, 03:33 AM
 
2,135 posts, read 5,480,684 times
Reputation: 3146
Too many variables to make a determination. If you are not having sex with him and it repulses you, not to sound mean, but why did you get into this relationship to begin with?
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Old 10-28-2014, 04:56 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
16,224 posts, read 25,622,012 times
Reputation: 24104
It may feel like you are "trapped" but you are not! There are alternatives out there, you just have to find them. Its not going to be easy, but you already know that you want out, and to make a better life for yourself, and your kids, so that's a big start!!!

Have you tried to contact your Mom, since she threw you out of the house? Maybe if she sees that you are in this situation, and you have made your mind up, to only move forward, she would be willing to help you out, until you can get on your own feet?!

They have woman shelters for this, may be another idea.

I am glad that you can see that you want out of this, and do better!! Good luck!!!
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Old 10-28-2014, 05:37 AM
 
22,284 posts, read 21,659,779 times
Reputation: 54735
Have you actually checked your credit?

It sounds like you are catastrophizing everything with little factual information.

Millions of women work and go to school while raising families on their own using a combination of their wages, child support and government assistance. It is hard but it is not impossible, nor does it last forever. Short term investment for long term gain.

It just depends on how badly you want it.
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Old 10-28-2014, 07:59 AM
 
36,225 posts, read 30,664,456 times
Reputation: 32498
Your counselors should be able to help you out. There are shelters which often help with social services. Do not be to proud to take temporary help, that's what it is there for. A woman's shelter may even be able to help with an attorney to help get some child support started.

And ditto what zentropa said. I worked part-time jobs went to school and raised two kids. I did have my mom to help with the kids tho. No family support is going to be the hard part.


Yo Yaface,
Quote:

Too many variables to make a determination. If you are not having sex with
him and it repulses you, not to sound mean, but why did you get into this
relationship to begin with?
Do you live in an unchanging world? Let me give you a little glimpse of reality. Most women need to have some love and respect or at the very least physical attraction for a man to desire him sexually. Physical and/or emotional abuse causes people to lose love and respect for a person over time. This can cause the most beautiful person to appear ugly and repulsive.
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Old 10-28-2014, 08:10 AM
 
Location: Newport Beach, California
39,044 posts, read 27,462,475 times
Reputation: 15954
Quote:
Originally Posted by kiwifruit2 View Post
I never planned on what he did, it just happened. I feel guilty, like its my fault maybe. I never thought he'd do this to me. He's always had an issue with drinking and the several times it got out of hand he "swore" it wouldn't happen "again" but it did and it got worse each time and now I feel trapped. And its definitely not a good environment for the kids.
There is no "maybe". He is 100% responsible for his own behaviors.

You are making a right decision to end this toxic relationship. You need to get used to a new "normal". But you will get there.

Take care of yourself, give yourself permission to grieve to cry to heal.. Arrange some "me" time.

Do whatever to make you feel good without making impulsive decisions.

End the relationship, move on.
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Old 10-28-2014, 08:18 AM
 
Location: Sango, TN
24,869 posts, read 24,342,306 times
Reputation: 8672
He is going to have to seek some kind of help for his substance abuse issue. Its not your fault at all. Alcohol can be a beast for some people. Alcoholism runs in my family, and I've seen men do terrible things under that influence.
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Old 10-28-2014, 08:53 AM
 
14,376 posts, read 18,320,068 times
Reputation: 43047
Look, do society a favor and do the government assistance thing. Because we will end up paying out far more to support your kids later down the line if you wait too long to leave this toxic relationship. Right now you're exposing them to an abusive drunk. That leaves scars, and those scars can last a lifetime and cause a lot of problems.

And how long before he starts lashing out at the kids?

You need to protect yourself and your family. This is what government assistance is designed for. Don't be afraid to use it.
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Old 10-28-2014, 08:57 AM
 
1,505 posts, read 1,806,451 times
Reputation: 2748
Take the "buts" out of your plans and do whatever you have to do to get through school to be independent of him. It won't be easy, only temporary. You can do it! Start today.
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