Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I guess what I need is some honest (and anonymous!) advice. Sorry is this is a bit of a ramble – it’s just that I need to get it out
Just when I thought that all men were the same (and not in good ways), I met a guy I’ll call Chris. Chris is just so much fun to be with. He’s intelligent, has his act together, is handsome, has a real future,and is just an honest to goodness good human being. We’ve been dating for almost a year and it’s really been the best year of my life.
I’m old enough and hopefully wise enough to know that nobody is perfect. I’m for sure not. Anyway Chris really doesn’t have any bad traits, but he is a bit on the shy side and is kind of introspective. He’s told me pretty much everything about him which is something that was just not easy for him to do. We’ve shared with each other our hopes, experiences, and dreams for the future.
Before I met Chris, I went through a phase when I didn’t think or act as I should have. I was a bit casual about relationships and thought I was having a good time. When I started dating Chris, everything was just so different and good in everyway. We’ve had the “past loves and notquite loves” conversation. I didn’t lie but seeing that Chris was sensitive in this area, I glossed over some stuff.
This week he was with a lot of people “somewhere” and he ran into a bunch of guys he hadn’t seen in a while. He told me about it – no big deal. I guess they all relived past war stories and whatever. A couple are married, some are dating. When pics came out, Chris said he proudly showed mine. All good – again no big deal.
Well yesterday, when we got together he was not himself. I kept asking if he was OK and he kept saying yes. Anyway at some point he threw out a name and asked if I know that guy. It was a guy I was “seeing” when I met Chris. Not a good person at all but I guess I didn’t see that then.
That guy was part of the group where Cris was earlier this week, so I guess when he saw my photo he recognized me. I guess since then he’s been bragging and mouthing off to whoever will listen that he ”knew” me and that he had done ”such and such” and crap like that. Somehow it got back to Chris.
When I said he was a guy I met a long time ago and didn’t care for, Chris blurted out and asked if I had sex with that so and so. I was sort of in the headlights and asked him why he would ask me something like that. He then asked me if I had done “such and such” with that a-hole. I think I just said this is crazy where are you getting this. Anyway, we got silent and it was uncomfortable and he left and went back to the office.
We’re going to get together tonight and I know this is going to hang there. Should I bring it up? What if he brings it up? What do I say and how should I say it? Fact is I was with that guy and we did kind of do a lot of stuff. I hate this. I just so hate this
Tell him you dated the guy and had sex with him. So what? Your current partners have no right to shame you for your past. It's also not right to put blame on the woman when the guy turns out to be a jerk who mouths off about his sexual conquests. Why is he taking it personally when you didn't even know him at the time? It has literally nothing to do with him.
If this Chris has an issue hearing about another guy's filth involving his current girlfriend, he should have the balls to tell him he needs to have some respect and keep his mouth shut, or he can just remove himself from this individual's circle of friends.
It screams insecurity when a dude gives a girl crap for her past relationships, whether they were serious or casual. The majority of people date and fool around. What gives one random guy the right to act like he's supposed to be entitled to knowing every detail of your past and then shame you for it when you're honest? I hate that behavior from grown men.
I get what you're saying and it makes sense in a rational world but maybe Chris isn't being like that rightnow and I get that too.
Chris hasn't given me crap. I guess he feels that the guy was a piece of crap for bragging and like why would I go with somebody like that? I'm positive he asked me about the "such and such" because we haven't done that. I just don't know how to let him see that the other guy was a big mistake
This will be difficult, especially since it's a guy he obviously doesn;t like.
You have to deal with it straight up.
Be very open and direct with him, and tell him the truth. Tell him you did sleep with that guy, but it doesn't change how you feel about Chris.
Tell him there are things you would take back if you could but you can't and you hope that he can know that your pasts made both of you who you are today and that you still love him.
After that, if he can't respect it and move forward, it's his issue and not yours, and it may be time to break up.
I'm positive he asked me about the "such and such" because we haven't done that. I just don't know how to let him see that the other guy was a big mistake
Aw big Chris is jealous you shared yourself in a certain way with someone who isn't him. Boo hoo. Giving you attitude about "such and such" isn't the constructive, mature way to approach the topic.
It's not your job to convince him the previous relationship was a mistake. It's none of his business and if he has a problem with something buried in your past, you should really find a guy who respects you more than to badger you about it. Tell him to get over it or you can get over him like you did with Mr. Such and Such.
I get what you're saying and it makes sense in a rational world but maybe Chris isn't being like that rightnow and I get that too.
Chris hasn't given me crap. I guess he feels that the guy was a piece of crap for bragging and like why would I go with somebody like that? I'm positive he asked me about the "such and such" because we haven't done that. I just don't know how to let him see that the other guy was a big mistake
He is giving you crap about your past and it isn't his right or place to do so.
You have a past, big deal, so do I, so does he, so does his Mother, and his Grandmother and his Father, and his sister and ..........
If Chris has decided that "it isn't fair" that you allegedly did this or that with someone else but not with him it is his issue alone but besides that...........
he is taking as truth information from some guy he doesn't know well over the woman he has been dating for over a year...
Does that really sound like he trusts you and believes you over some guy who is boasting about "having his girl first"?
Personally I would have already told him to take a hike, none of his business what happened before him, no matter what some guy is saying about it.
Oh, I would not tell Chris there are "some things you would like to take back or change about your past", your past made you who you are today and if he cannot handle all of the past, his issue, not yours.
There is no reason to be ashamed of your past and he has no right to try and shame you for it either or try and make you feel guilty.
As far as telling him the truth, yes I would tell Chris you did have a relationship with this guy and you did have sex with him, that is all he really needs to know unless of course he wants all the gory details then I would start with:
Well, I got up out of bed that day, then I took off my pajamas, then I walked into the bathroom and went pp, the I started the shower water to get it warmed up, then I got out the shaving cream so I could shave my pits, then I decided to shave my legs, then I thought, well heck, since I'm doing all of this maybe I should do a little touch up trim since I have decided that I am going to do that one sexual position with Johnnywhatshisname but, I am only going to do that one sexual position because I know my future boyfriend will find out and I can't wait until he starts shaming me and guilting me about it...
(do you see how ridiculous all of this can become?)
Aw big Chris is jealous you shared yourself in a certain way with someone who isn't him. Boo hoo. Giving you attitude about "such and such" isn't the constructive, mature way to approach the topic.
It's not your job to convince him the previous relationship was a mistake. It's none of his business and if he has a problem with something buried in your past, you should really find a guy who respects you more than to badger you about it. Tell him to get over it or you can get over him like you did with Mr. Such and Such.
Typical response. Say this and his respect for you will go out the window.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life
This will be difficult, especially since it's a guy he obviously doesn;t like.
You have to deal with it straight up.
Be very open and direct with him, and tell him the truth. Tell him you did sleep with that guy, but it doesn't change how you feel about Chris.
Tell him there are things you would take back if you could but you can't and you hope that he can know that your pasts made both of you who you are today and that you still love him.
After that, if he can't respect it and move forward, it's his issue and not yours, and it may be time to break up.
Very wise advice.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
