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Question: Given what I write below, how many of you would be deeply concerned? I feel I am being gas lighted and falsely led to believe that my GFs behavior is typical.
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I've been dating someone for 6 months. She is 31 and I (male) am 37. She had a mostly absent father that cheated on her mom. Her brother is a cheater. Her GRANDMOTHER was a cheater. Pretty much her entire family, on both sides, is unstable and infidelity and divorce is very common.
She admitted to cheating on 2 past BFs, but lied about it previously when I asked her directly "have you ever cheated before on a BF?" For the record, I have not cheated on anyone in my life. I've also caught her in several other white lies and she seems to be ok with lying if it suits her purposes. Lastly, she had human pap virus when we started dating (had been diagnosed by gyn) and did NOT tell me.
She lost her virginity at a young age, had serious boyfriends throughout high school that she was sleeping with, always needs to be in a relationship and if out of one is lonely and looking very soon after a break up, moves in with men she dates very quickly, has multiple tattoos/body piercings, cusses like a sailor when around people her own age/drinking, spent her 20s drinking to excess (blacking out and drinking nearly everyday), stated that she had so many relationships because she kept trying to turn 1 night hook ups into relationships, AND nearly all of her friends are male and she says she does not get along with women. Also, she keeps her phone very private and never does something like answer a text or fb message in front of me UNLESS she knows who it is from already. For instance, her phones goes off and if we are next to each other she leaves it alone until I am out of the room. If she ever uses the phone in front of me, then she flips through pages at a purposefully accelerated rate above her usual speed in what seems an attempt to keep me from seeing much at all. Added to this, I do not try to look at her phone at all, but it is clear that she doesn't want me to, at least most of the time. If she is texting her mom then yeah she will be relaxed about it.
Despite all this, she claims absolute devotion and fidelity to me and also a relatively low partner count (like 15, but I suspect it is much higher). And she does seem to love and to want to spend all her spare time with me.
In contrast, I am very mild in terms of my past relative to her. I am not a bad boy. She says I am the first normal person she has dated and this is her best relationship ever. However, I am always on edge because she and I are so different and I just don't know her on the inside. Despite me knowing that full litany above, she is reticent to share and speaks very vaguely about her past. I understand not wanting to give gory details, but she is vague when pointing out bad things, and without details and with everything else, my mind just wanders and I imagine the worst.
Despite all this, she is introverted UNLESS drinking and around men. This is the meat of what I want to ask about, sorry for the preamble but I wanted to give context to why this especially bothers me.
She has a different type of relationship to male attention. Because of her absent dad and poor self image, it seems that when a male gives her attention it is like the greatest thing ever. She becomes enthralled very easily (like someone just shot a drug into her). She will then ignore me if I am nearby, even if I try to talk to them, or she will linger away from me to speak to these males for an extended period. For instance, the first time she met a good friend of mine, it was the 3 of us and she ignored me and talked to him for well over an hour. Zero eye contact with me when I spoke and if I said something between her back and forth (bc heck there was no one else for me to talk to) then it was ignored. My friend seemed visibly uncomfortable by this.
I tried to explain to her how even her body language and demeanor is off putting to me when she is doing this. You know the look a woman will get when she is really digging someone's attention? Big flirty smile that changes and gets pulled down into pouty lips as they talk only to reemerge as a big smile, flirty giggling even when nothing funny is being said, heading turning to the side with big smile and then leaning forward and then back while readjusting the head, intense eye contact, open body language.....everything that says "I really love this attention, it feels great, please give me more, I could stay here and talk to you all night". It is the look women gave me when they wanted me to make advances or the look you can see across the bar and say to someone "those 2 will likely leave together" prior to them even touching each other.
She thinks I'm crazy and unless you are talking sex or touching each other then it is not being flirty.....she thinks gushing over men you've known for like 1 minute is normal.....even though this is the only time you ever act like this and you are not a particularly outgoing or warm person. But she only does this to men....and it is just instantaneous. If I spoke to a woman and she acted this way I'd think "man, what did I do so well? she is totally digging me and I've barely said a word". She always says "well we were talking about a subject I'm passionate about". Yeah, of course, seems convenient. Also, of course all such interactions start like that, would they begin speaking of their genitals first thing?
She just doesn't get that I've been around a lot of people and that if someone acts like a woman that is basking in male attention like an iguana under a heat lamp then it is reasonable for everyone to believe that this is a bit more than a simple convo, even if she actually is not doing so but simply playing out her learned behaviors that tend to get her ego validation, etc. There is no big thing she does but just the sum total of all the parts and I can't show her my mental video and impression, and she can't see herself from the outside.
So, I just don't trust her. Don't trust her to go out without me and drink because if she'll do this around me what will she do when I'm not there? I'm nearly 100% sure that if I was not around then she would spend the entire night talking very in depth to a man that bought her drinks, without mentioning she has a BF, and the man would be thinking he was going to take her home....and I'm not sure he'd be wrong especially if it was a situation where I'd never know the truth.
IME, if a woman has a deep seeded resentment towards men, because of her father, or male relatives, then the chances that she cannot have a healthy relationship increases dramatically to the point where I wouldn't ever get involved. She likes the attention of men, but any male she gets close to, she can't trust....a lot has to do with abandonment issues from her dad....
There are a lot of concerns, and if you openly ask your family and friends about this woman, telling them everything you state here, I'm sure they would tell you to get out of there.....I'd bet that you don't talk about it, and came her to ask anonymously..... I have a feeling that you already know what you should do.
To go back, I think it is obvious why she doesn't get along with women. Women don't like other women that behave like this around their boyfriends. Also, an introverted woman that actually likes attention will find it easy to have male friends if she is flirty with them and pursues their friendship. Lastly, she wins because she gets the male attention she craves. FML
IME, if a woman has a deep seeded resentment towards men, because of her father, or male relatives, then the chances that she cannot have a healthy relationship increases dramatically to the point where I wouldn't ever get involved. She likes the attention of men, but any male she gets close to, she can't trust....a lot has to do with abandonment issues from her dad....
She says she trusts me and does seem very into me, so long as it is just she and I hanging out.
Oddly, she says she trusts too easily and is naive. This might play into why she thinks she can flirt and the male won't take it wrong and neither would her BF?
But this could all just be purposeful ignorance on her part.
What me chatting up a guy and ignoring you for an hour is odd? And now the other guy keeps following me and trying to re-engage? Why who would have thought that?
You mean that an extroverted female...You didn't even need to talk about what she does, and only state how she grew up, and her relationship with her biological father, and the way men were represented to her while she was young, for me to come up with my conclusion.
You mean that an extroverted female...You didn't even need to talk about what she does, and only state how she grew up, and her relationship with her biological father, and the way men were represented to her while she was young, for me to come up with my conclusion.
Sorry for that.
She is very introverted but when I take her out and she has a few drinks and is around new men....she flips and becomes extroverted toward these men in a way that is off putting to me.
Look, her past ain't none of your business but the "here & now" is. If she's blowing you off in your presence than you can be damn sure she's blowing you off when you're not around.
And that phone should be turned off during quality time. An "excuse me while I answer this text, it's important"....is fine.
Six months in and y'all should still be on your honeymoon. Dump her now to save money on Christmas.
Question: Given what I write below, how many of you would be deeply concerned? I feel I am being gas lighted and falsely led to believe that my GFs behavior is typical.
***********************
I've been dating someone for 6 months. She is 31 and I (male) am 37. She had a mostly absent father that cheated on her mom. Her brother is a cheater. Her GRANDMOTHER was a cheater. Pretty much her entire family, on both sides, is unstable and infidelity and divorce is very common.
She admitted to cheating on 2 past BFs, but lied about it previously when I asked her directly "have you ever cheated before on a BF?" For the record, I have not cheated on anyone in my life. I've also caught her in several other white lies and she seems to be ok with lying if it suits her purposes. Lastly, she had human pap virus when we started dating (had been diagnosed by gyn) and did NOT tell me.
She lost her virginity at a young age, had serious boyfriends throughout high school that she was sleeping with, always needs to be in a relationship and if out of one is lonely and looking very soon after a break up, moves in with men she dates very quickly, has multiple tattoos/body piercings, cusses like a sailor when around people her own age/drinking, spent her 20s drinking to excess (blacking out and drinking nearly everyday), stated that she had so many relationships because she kept trying to turn 1 night hook ups into relationships, AND nearly all of her friends are male and she says she does not get along with women. Also, she keeps her phone very private and never does something like answer a text or fb message in front of me UNLESS she knows who it is from already. For instance, her phones goes off and if we are next to each other she leaves it alone until I am out of the room. If she ever uses the phone in front of me, then she flips through pages at a purposefully accelerated rate above her usual speed in what seems an attempt to keep me from seeing much at all. Added to this, I do not try to look at her phone at all, but it is clear that she doesn't want me to, at least most of the time. If she is texting her mom then yeah she will be relaxed about it.
Despite all this, she claims absolute devotion and fidelity to me and also a relatively low partner count (like 15, but I suspect it is much higher). And she does seem to love and to want to spend all her spare time with me.
In contrast, I am very mild in terms of my past relative to her. I am not a bad boy. She says I am the first normal person she has dated and this is her best relationship ever. However, I am always on edge because she and I are so different and I just don't know her on the inside. Despite me knowing that full litany above, she is reticent to share and speaks very vaguely about her past. I understand not wanting to give gory details, but she is vague when pointing out bad things, and without details and with everything else, my mind just wanders and I imagine the worst.
Despite all this, she is introverted UNLESS drinking and around men. This is the meat of what I want to ask about, sorry for the preamble but I wanted to give context to why this especially bothers me.
She has a different type of relationship to male attention. Because of her absent dad and poor self image, it seems that when a male gives her attention it is like the greatest thing ever. She becomes enthralled very easily (like someone just shot a drug into her). She will then ignore me if I am nearby, even if I try to talk to them, or she will linger away from me to speak to these males for an extended period. For instance, the first time she met a good friend of mine, it was the 3 of us and she ignored me and talked to him for well over an hour. Zero eye contact with me when I spoke and if I said something between her back and forth (bc heck there was no one else for me to talk to) then it was ignored. My friend seemed visibly uncomfortable by this.
I tried to explain to her how even her body language and demeanor is off putting to me when she is doing this. You know the look a woman will get when she is really digging someone's attention? Big flirty smile that changes and gets pulled down into pouty lips as they talk only to reemerge as a big smile, flirty giggling even when nothing funny is being said, heading turning to the side with big smile and then leaning forward and then back while readjusting the head, intense eye contact, open body language.....everything that says "I really love this attention, it feels great, please give me more, I could stay here and talk to you all night". It is the look women gave me when they wanted me to make advances or the look you can see across the bar and say to someone "those 2 will likely leave together" prior to them even touching each other.
She thinks I'm crazy and unless you are talking sex or touching each other then it is not being flirty.....she thinks gushing over men you've known for like 1 minute is normal.....even though this is the only time you ever act like this and you are not a particularly outgoing or warm person. But she only does this to men....and it is just instantaneous. If I spoke to a woman and she acted this way I'd think "man, what did I do so well? she is totally digging me and I've barely said a word". She always says "well we were talking about a subject I'm passionate about". Yeah, of course, seems convenient. Also, of course all such interactions start like that, would they begin speaking of their genitals first thing?
She just doesn't get that I've been around a lot of people and that if someone acts like a woman that is basking in male attention like an iguana under a heat lamp then it is reasonable for everyone to believe that this is a bit more than a simple convo, even if she actually is not doing so but simply playing out her learned behaviors that tend to get her ego validation, etc. There is no big thing she does but just the sum total of all the parts and I can't show her my mental video and impression, and she can't see herself from the outside.
So, I just don't trust her. Don't trust her to go out without me and drink because if she'll do this around me what will she do when I'm not there? I'm nearly 100% sure that if I was not around then she would spend the entire night talking very in depth to a man that bought her drinks, without mentioning she has a BF, and the man would be thinking he was going to take her home....and I'm not sure he'd be wrong especially if it was a situation where I'd never know the truth.
I'm trying to figure out what her redeeming qualities are.
When I say trust issues, I mean, that trusting men is hard for her to do.....real trust, not just saying it but acting differently. Her actions do not show any trust. In fact they show that she doesn't trust you at all. If she trusted you, and really believed that you do love her, and wouldn't hurt her like other males before have, then she wouldn't act the way she does with other men. That's disrespectful, when you tell her you don't like it, yet she continues to do it in your face.
Again, I'm going by what you said, and it sounds like she was very open about her past....as stated above, the past isn't anyone's business, unless it's force fed to us. Unfortunately, her past really tell why she acts the way she does....The sick thing is that the longer you are together, she will be expecting you to hurt her, and to protect her feelings, she will act out, so when it happens, the pain will be less....
Years from now, you will kick yourself for how long you tolerated it...my advise, get out asap!
OP, it sounds like you know the answer. She's cheated in the past, and she's been a blackout drunk in the past. She's still drinking. Her personality changes when she drinks. None of these are good signs. Her behavior around other men is not "typical" in my experience by any means. It's not just that she acts flirty around other men (which some women can do while being completely faithful), but that she shuts you out when you try to join the conversation. Seems like only a matter of time before she gets drunk without you and goes home with some other guy. Just my two cents'. You haven't indicated that you're madly in love with her, or even what attracts you to her, other than the fact that you're currently dating. Unless you have an extremely strong romantic attachment to her, I would cut my losses and walk away. If you do, I would talk to her honestly about your concerns.
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