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Question...are you reading THEIR profiles before you respond to them? Are there things in their profiles that indicate these things about their character that you are finding out after meeting them? Or are their profiles totally different than their actual personas? What about these men is compelling you to even communicate with them in the first place, let alone meet up with them? And why agree to meet up with anybody who is pushing to meet up more quickly than you'd prefer? When you are just communicating online, you have all the ability in the world to control the situation. Are you choosing to only correspond with men who exhibit controlling tendencies, right out the gate?
I don't think I am... In fact friends are saying I'm too choosey. I'm basing it on employment status... Whether they smoke. Marital status. Presence of small children living at hime... Whether they live in own or in moms basement. Physical attraction. Common interests. Whether they have intelligent conversation. Know how to put together sentences. Intelligence level.
2 guys where computer engineers. One was financial manager and another one marketing associate. ( which I find out later means commission salesman)
No one really talked a lot about religion. I'm guessing that we are meeting too quickly. But honestly once we've had s couple of good conversations they are ready to meet in person. Almost a litmus test that I look like my pictures. Which is fine with me. But then once they see me they get all weirded out.
The funniest thing of all is. The overly religious guy... He wanted me to go to church with him that sunday. Not his own church... His nephews church. He also invited me to a little league game his stepson was the coach of. And his aunt was hosting a painting with a twist party. I had to turn down these invites... I had just met him that tuesday!! But when asked what happened to the last relationship he said that after 3 months of dating she wanted to move in together. Lol!!! This is the one who suggested that since I was worried about money my worries would be over because I could work less days since he could take care of me. Also rot trying to buy me clothes at Sam's club. I was offended. I do okay and if I need more I can work as much overtime as I need.
The 2nd guy informed me that although we would live in our separate residences. (This after I explained that although his condo was brand new... I wasn't blown away because My HOUSE was also brand new and I would be staying in my own place). After that he said that he would need a man cave at my house... Smh. I had to tell him..." We are just having coffee. Let's get to know each other slowly and have fun). His previous girlfriend pressured him to marriage after 3 years...
My reply was I can understand about not wanting to be under PRESSURE. He made my chest hurt. I felt clausiphobic.
I'm very alarmed that you went on 3 first dates in a row with men who were rude, controlling, intrusive and overbearing. I think you need to consider what is attracting you to these types. I cannot imagine going on a first date with a guy who would get so invasive regarding one's personal life. To criticize the way you worship and the clothes you wear? OP, that's INSANE.
I have a few thoughts, though I'm not sure how receptive you are to them.
-Maybe target men who aren't very religious for your next few first dates, or at least men who don't wear their religion on their sleeve. I think that may be causing you to overlook their other faults. I'm not saying you never date anyone who is religious, but maybe try going on a couple of men who aren't, just to see if you get the same result or "type" of guy.
-Consider visiting a secular therapist. It really sounds like your husband did a number on you, and I can't help but think that your sense of boundaries may be skewed as well as your sensitivity to red flags. A therapist may be able to help you define your personal boundaries more clearly and recognize warning signs. I only say this because you had three of the same "type" in a row, and it's a really bizarre type. If it was just three bad dates, I'd shrug it off. But it was three bad dates with three men who had no sense of appropriate boundaries, respect or courtesy. That's too much of a coincidence.
There is nothing wrong with YOU. You have just had a few bad dates. I think your methodology for selecting men may be the problem.
Hey, OP, are you? Attracted to them, I mean. Or just kind of going along because you're new at dating and they are aggressive enough to ask?
Because I'm thinking more that you're just being really polite to OLD guys who don't deserve it because they're not communicating with you in person first. I made a few similar mistakes when I started dating after my divorce because I was so out of practice, but after a few jerks, I just became a little bit merciless in who I cut communication with.
Let me ask you this: If you met one of these guys for the first time at say, a party, and they started grilling you like that there, would you give them the time of day? That's why I suggest canning OLD and meeting men in the wild. That's really the only way you will know for sure, because on the Internet, people can manipulate and come across as anything they wish as a bait-and-switch, and then when you show up on a date, turn out to be real ogres. I'm a good judge of people and it happened to me a few times. It was like, "Oh, I'll be nice and charming via email but now that I have her here with me in person, I'm going to be a total ahole because obviously if she showed up, she wants me and I can." Real douchebaggery.
But if you do go to a therapist, I second Jrz. Secular. Definitely.
I don't think I am... In fact friends are saying I'm too choosey. I'm basing it on employment status... Whether they smoke. Marital status. Presence of small children living at hime... Whether they live in own or in moms basement. Physical attraction. Common interests. Whether they have intelligent conversation. Know how to put together sentences. Intelligence level.
2 guys where computer engineers. One was financial manager and another one marketing associate. ( which I find out later means commission salesman)
No one really talked a lot about religion. I'm guessing that we are meeting too quickly. But honestly once we've had s couple of good conversations they are ready to meet in person. Almost a litmus test that I look like my pictures. Which is fine with me. But then once they see me they get all weirded out.
The funniest thing of all is. The overly religious guy... He wanted me to go to church with him that sunday. Not his own church... His nephews church. He also invited me to a little league game his stepson was the coach of. And his aunt was hosting a painting with a twist party. I had to turn down these invites... I had just met him that tuesday!! But when asked what happened to the last relationship he said that after 3 months of dating she wanted to move in together. Lol!!! This is the one who suggested that since I was worried about money my worries would be over because I could work less days since he could take care of me. Also rot trying to buy me clothes at Sam's club. I was offended. I do okay and if I need more I can work as much overtime as I need.
The 2nd guy informed me that although we would live in our separate residences. (This after I explained that although his condo was brand new... I wasn't blown away because My HOUSE was also brand new and I would be staying in my own place). After that he said that he would need a man cave at my house... Smh. I had to tell him..." We are just having coffee. Let's get to know each other slowly and have fun). His previous girlfriend pressured him to marriage after 3 years...
My reply was I can understand about not wanting to be under PRESSURE. He made my chest hurt. I felt clausiphobic.
Ugh. No. Those men have serious issues. And they did a bait and switch: They didn't talk about religion until they had a captive audience. How that is something you need therapy for, I don't understand. If you feel you need it, fine, but go because of your ex husband, not because a few guys from the Internet were creeps. Please, if every woman who ran into three jerks from an OLD service called a shrink, it would take everyone else six months to get an appointment. Really. Jerks on OLD are just that common.
My sister had a similar experience. On the first date, this guy took a detour and picked his kid up from a baseball game. He wanted her to meet the kid right away. Also wanted to plan a vacation with her. On their first date!
Another guy started texting her things like "When we are in a relationship, we will be moving to New York..." She was like, "HEY, we haven't even MET yet."
No way, no how, was she at fault for any of that. Needless to say, she cut both guys off.
And and AND... there was a third guy who, when he found out her son died, started brandishing his faith and was all "God can help you with that." From that point on, the whole date was nothing but him trying to get her to go to his church. She cut him off, too. She was pretty ticked about it, because his profile said he wasn't religious. And look at that: He was!
Hey, OP, are you? Attracted to them, I mean. Or just kind of going along because you're new at dating and they are aggressive enough to ask?
Because I'm thinking more that you're just being really polite to OLD guys who don't deserve it because they're not communicating with you in person first. I made a few similar mistakes when I started dating after my divorce because I was so out of practice, but after a few jerks, I just became a little bit merciless in who I cut communication with.
Let me ask you this: If you met one of these guys for the first time at say, a party, and they started grilling you like that there, would you give them the time of day? That's why I suggest canning OLD and meeting men in the wild. That's really the only way you will know for sure, because on the Internet, people can manipulate and come across as anything they wish as a bait-and-switch, and then when you show up on a date, turn out to be real ogres. I'm a good judge of people and it happened to me a few times. It was like, "Oh, I'll be nice and charming via email but now that I have her here with me in person, I'm going to be a total ahole because obviously if she showed up, she wants me and I can." Real douchebaggery.
But if you do go to a therapist, I second Jrz. Secular. Definitely.
No after meeting them in person I surely am not attracted to them. I think my facial expression gave it away with the second guy. That's true… If I met them in person and they came off that way I would've never even given them my phone number. And that is true the ones who were more aggressive were the ones who were able to move past to the next step because I'm being cautious probably some others move on quickly and it's the aggressive orges that are persistent and aggressive to finally get my number and be charming on the phone but once in person their true colors begin to show.
Ugh. No. Those men have serious issues. How that is something you need therapy for, I don't understand. If you feel you need it, fine, but go because of your ex husband, not because a few guys from the Internet were creeps. Please, if every woman who ran into three jerks from an OLD service called a shrink, it would take everyone else six months to get an appointment. Really. Jerks on OLD are just that common.
My sister had a similar experience. On the first date, this guy took a detour and picked his kid up from a baseball game. He wanted her to meet the kid right away. Also wanted to plan a vacation with her. On their first date!
Another guy started texting her things like "When we are in a relationship, we will be moving to New York..." She was like, "HEY, we haven't even MET yet."
No way, no how, was she at fault for any of that. Needless to say, she cut both guys off.
Okay thank you thank you thank you!!! I was beginning to think it was me and something I was doing wrong.
I feel siooooo much better reading this. Yes! I am getting this same kind of thing. From day 1. And when I draw my boundaries. They stop communicating. I really thought I was going something wrong.
I'm curious, OP, which dating site(s) are you using? You might be able to look at things like religious beliefs, political views, or the way they answer certain questions (depending on the site) to screen out some of these guys.
The fact that you're not attracted to these guys once you meet them is a VERY good sign, but it's still unusual that you're ending up going out with them so consistently in the first place, particularly given that they're clearly not what you're consciously looking for.
No after meeting them in person I surely am not attracted to them. I think my facial expression gave it away with the second guy. That's true… If I met them in person and they came off that way I would've never even given them my phone number. And that is true the ones who were more aggressive were the ones who were able to move past to the next step because I'm being cautious probably some others move on quickly and it's the aggressive orges that are persistent and aggressive to finally get my number and be charming on the phone but once in person their true colors begin to show.
Ugh. No. Those men have serious issues. And they did a bait and switch: They didn't talk about religion until they had a captive audience. How that is something you need therapy for, I don't understand. If you feel you need it, fine, but go because of your ex husband, not because a few guys from the Internet were creeps. Please, if every woman who ran into three jerks from an OLD service called a shrink, it would take everyone else six months to get an appointment. Really. Jerks on OLD are just that common.
It's not just that they're "three jerks"-- it's that they're three consecutive jerks of a very specific type, and her ex-husband was also this type. That is likely not a coincidence. It could be (and for her sake I hope it is), but it's not likely.
I'm curious, OP, which dating site(s) are you using? You might be able to look at things like religious beliefs, political views, or the way they answer certain questions (depending on the site) to screen out some of these guys.
The fact that you're not attracted to these guys once you meet them is a VERY good sign, but it's still unusual that you're ending up going out with them so consistently in the first place, particularly given that they're clearly not what you're consciously looking for.
Meh. I may be a wee bit biased here because I'm an atheist, but I can't tell you how many times so-called Christians have pulled the stealth mission on me and people I know--and that's without knowing I'm an atheist. That's one of their methods: Be nice, then get you to where you are a captive audience and then it starts. I've had coworkers invite me to parties and when I got there, there was praying and "sharing" and talking about the Lord. And there I am bringing wine to a dry Christian party. Also, see my sister's date, above, who started the God talk once he found out about her son. Guy was probably just waiting for her to discuss a struggle of some kind--loss, job issues, money issues--and then would pounce.
Heck, they do it here on C-D. Can't tell you how many posts I reported on the Atheism and Agnosticism forum from people who started out appearing curious or interested in atheism and then a page or so later start talking about God and their faith with an eye toward imparting their beliefs. Chaps my hide something fierce.
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Also wanted to plan a vacation with her. On their first date!
