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Old 11-19-2014, 11:17 AM
 
Location: Earth
4,575 posts, read 5,167,917 times
Reputation: 7010

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dewdroplet76 View Post
If you have never been in love with someone - it's pretty hard to imagine what it's like. After the euphoric courtship stage comes something deeper, truer, and more meaningful. If, after the euphoric stage, you are then bored and not happy spending time with that person - then it's not love. It was just lust.
I think it's like this. Getting to know someone, and the start of things is great. You don't know them that well, they're on their best behavior, and you both haven't gotten to the flaws and hardships yet. So in the moment, both parties just see the other as perfect and sexy. And it's sex and hanging out, fun spontaneity. etc. Anyone can be happy when things are easy and nothing is serious. But, as the relationship goes on, flaws start showing, maybe a 1st fight. it's in those stages, you see more of the actual person. The genuine intimacy starts in. Where you see their flaws, or less-than-perfect side, but still accept them, and want to be with them, maybe even be endeared to some of those traits. But at the same time, you'll make one another angry, sad, happy. Love is work. It's not easy, but if the relationship isn't toxic, and you're with the right person, the effort will be worth it.

If you start getting bored of them, chances are, it wasn't love, and the relationship was never meant to be serious, so much as a cordial fling/Sex Buddy relation. In which case, you love what's going on, the fun and sex. But you're just doing it next to someone. You don't love the person with whom you're doing things. Like if someone showers you with gifts. You love those gifts and would gladly take them. but you don't think anything of the one who's giving them to you.

Lust and/or Infatuation, and even limerence. Some confuse them with love, because they are intense feelings, but still not on love level. They're both temporary & fickle.
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Old 11-19-2014, 11:28 AM
 
Location: So Cal
51,941 posts, read 52,363,041 times
Reputation: 52434
Quote:
Originally Posted by LS Jaun View Post
"I think as others have said if you're getting bored fairy easily or fairly quickly, it's probably not love"
So, there is a time aspect to it? If you get bored with someone after 2 months it's not love. But, if it takes 2 years to get to that same point with someone its more likely to be love?
On a basic and generic level, if you're getting bored with someone within a couple of months of being around them and this is a pattern with a person, I'm sure it's fairly safe to say it's not really love you feel for those people, more like lust..... as someone else said.

No one is busting out metrics and determining the exact time frames here, just saying as a larger point.
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Old 11-19-2014, 12:14 PM
 
Location: moved
13,583 posts, read 9,612,002 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VanillaChocolate View Post
I think it's like this. Getting to know someone, and the start of things is great. You don't know them that well, they're on their best behavior, and you both haven't gotten to the flaws and hardships yet. So in the moment, both parties just see the other as perfect and sexy. And it's sex and hanging out, fun spontaneity. etc. Anyone can be happy when things are easy and nothing is serious. But, as the relationship goes on, flaws start showing, ...

Lust and/or Infatuation, and even limerence. Some confuse them with love, because they are intense feelings, but still not on love level. They're both temporary & fickle.
Well-phrased, especially with the mention of "limerence"!

I would however opine that an actual love need not emerge from initial infatuation. The initial attraction could begin as very slight and inconsequential, but could grow with continued association,towards something profound indeed. In fact the initial stages could be anything but "great", as a blunder or misunderstanding might derail things, only to be repaired after much additional effort. When first having met, the eventual subject of one's love isn't yet lovely. He/she could be entirely fungible with another. It is the passage of him/her towards becoming irreplaceable that constitutes the upswell of genuine love.
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Old 11-19-2014, 03:20 PM
 
Location: Great Lakes region
417 posts, read 1,125,442 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Liberty2011 View Post
IMO, to be in love requires two people, not one person idolizing, worshipping and fantasizing about the idea of a person they're not actually in a relationship with.
I don't know.....those have been some of my best relationships!
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Old 11-19-2014, 03:24 PM
 
Location: Great Lakes region
417 posts, read 1,125,442 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dewdroplet76 View Post
Have you ever been in love?
If the OP hasn't, is there anything wrong with that? I think it's unrealistic to the point of ridiculousness to expect than everyone has, or will, experience romantic love in their lives. Most of the people I know in my own age group - mid 50's - haven't experienced what most people would define as "love", and personally, I think the media and popular culture are overrating it to the point of making those of us who don't experience it feel like failures. And yes, I have been in several relationships and I'm happily married, have been for 25 years. I don't feel I'm missing a thing.
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Old 11-19-2014, 03:31 PM
 
Location: Northern Wisconsin
10,379 posts, read 10,858,975 times
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The first stage is basically lust. Genuine love comes later. Learn to distinguish the difference. Genuine love is a desire to give and make the other person happy and do good for them at your own personal cost without expecting anything reciprocal in return. Otherwise, its kind of like an exchange of services. Ever see the adds where the wives of wounded warriors are still with them and taking care of them? That's love my friend. Soldiers who put their own safety at risk to save their buddies. That's love.
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Old 11-19-2014, 03:34 PM
 
Location: Katonah, NY
21,192 posts, read 25,095,623 times
Reputation: 22274
Quote:
Originally Posted by us2indaup View Post
If the OP hasn't, is there anything wrong with that? I think it's unrealistic to the point of ridiculousness to expect than everyone has, or will, experience romantic love in their lives. Most of the people I know in my own age group - mid 50's - haven't experienced what most people would define as "love", and personally, I think the media and popular culture are overrating it to the point of making those of us who don't experience it feel like failures. And yes, I have been in several relationships and I'm happily married, have been for 25 years. I don't feel I'm missing a thing.
Easy there, tiger. I ask one question and you're off to the races! My question had no hidden agenda. The poster was asking questions in such a way that I got the feeling that he had never been in love before. And if you have never been in love before, it would make sense that you don't understand what it feels like. If you have been in love before - the questions that he was asking wouldn't make that much sense to me. That's all.
I never said there was anything wrong with not experiencing being in love - simply that it's hard to understand if you have never experienced it. I don't have siblings. I don't really understand the relationship that siblings have with each other.

May I ask, if you aren't in love with your wife - what has made your marriage happy? No judgement - just curious. I'm in love with my husband and couldn't imagine spending every day of my life with someone that i wasn't completely in love with. But that's just me. People tend to irritate me if I spend too much time with them.
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Old 11-19-2014, 03:41 PM
 
Location: USA
30,608 posts, read 21,763,953 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dewdroplet76 View Post
Have you ever been in love?
Yes. But those feelings are electro-chemical and our brain reacts with feelings of contentment, lust, excitement and other emotions. Many people can evoke those responses in you, given attraction and time. That doesn't mean they are any less real. But I believe there are millions of people on this planet that can evoke the same responses in a person.
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Old 11-19-2014, 03:47 PM
 
Location: Katonah, NY
21,192 posts, read 25,095,623 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LS Jaun View Post
Yes. But those feelings are electro-chemical and our brain reacts with feelings of contentment, lust, excitement and other emotions. Many people can evoke those responses in you, given attraction and time. That doesn't mean they are any less real. But I believe there are millions of people on this planet that can evoke the same responses in a person.
I'm not sure what this has to do with anything… I'm simply asking if you have ever been in love. I didn't ask if you believed in one true love or soul mates. If you've been in love - then you know that boredom is not an indication of love. Usually, when a relationship starts out - it is based on lust, excitement, and a certain amount of compatibility. Once you get past the exciting, nervous, can't see straight because of all the lust stage - the relationship usually either fizzles out or reaches a different level. If it's really love - it's usually a calmer but stronger feeling you have for the person. Other people have said it well, too. But it's not about being bored with the person and calling it love - and there's no time frame. I guess I just would have thought this would have made sense to someone who had experienced it. That's all.
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Old 11-19-2014, 04:07 PM
 
Location: USA
30,608 posts, read 21,763,953 times
Reputation: 18863
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dewdroplet76 View Post
I'm not sure what this has to do with anything… I'm simply asking if you have ever been in love. I didn't ask if you believed in one true love or soul mates. If you've been in love - then you know that boredom is not an indication of love. Usually, when a relationship starts out - it is based on lust, excitement, and a certain amount of compatibility. Once you get past the exciting, nervous, can't see straight because of all the lust stage - the relationship usually either fizzles out or reaches a different level. If it's really love - it's usually a calmer but stronger feeling you have for the person. Other people have said it well, too. But it's not about being bored with the person and calling it love - and there's no time frame. I guess I just would have thought this would have made sense to someone who had experienced it. That's all.
"Usually, when a relationship starts out - it is based on lust, excitement, and a certain amount of compatibility. Once you get past the exciting, nervous, can't see straight because of all the lust stage - the relationship usually either fizzles out or reaches a different level."

Yes, I run on a bit. I have been there more than once, but there has always been compatibility issues once the good stuff and good behavior waned.
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