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How many people have been or are keeping various desires, perversions and fantasies to themselves becuase the feel or know that they will be judged and the spouse couldn't be open to it.
For a majority person sexual desires are formed form porn and society. But for some it is a safe zone developed due to trauma or sexual abuse. It also can be a side effect from various conditions like bipolar and PTSD. As my luck has it I am a layered cake - I am a compound of all 3 rolled into one. Not going to-much into detail right now most of my sexual urges or desires were developed at a young age as a safe place I could go in my head where no one could hurt me. Trust me I think it's odd also that the type of abuse I sustained for an extended period of time I actually developed a safe zone that has sex involved. NO NOT INTO CHILDREN but more along the lines of adventurous, experimenting (w/spouse) and toys and such.
Things more or less came to a head 5 years ago and let everything out. She was very understanding and even approved of some. For 2-3 years things were great. No it wasn't an everyday or every weekend thing. Just every now and again. Now we're at a point where she is not accepting. It sucks and hurts yet I am grateful for the time we shared the experiences. But to go cold turkey is hard
Has anyone else gone through this? Anyone else afraid to speak to their better half about their desires?
and maybe im different but i didnt learn from porn... Before i ever seen live action porn i already knew what i wanted done to me sexually by a woman just off of instinct
How many people have been or are keeping various desires, perversions and fantasies to themselves becuase the feel or know that they will be judged and the spouse couldn't be open to it.
For a majority person sexual desires are formed form porn and society. But for some it is a safe zone developed due to trauma or sexual abuse. It also can be a side effect from various conditions like bipolar and PTSD. As my luck has it I am a layered cake - I am a compound of all 3 rolled into one. Not going to-much into detail right now most of my sexual urges or desires were developed at a young age as a safe place I could go in my head where no one could hurt me. Trust me I think it's odd also that the type of abuse I sustained for an extended period of time I actually developed a safe zone that has sex involved. NO NOT INTO CHILDREN but more along the lines of adventurous, experimenting (w/spouse) and toys and such.
Things more or less came to a head 5 years ago and let everything out. She was very understanding and even approved of some. For 2-3 years things were great. No it wasn't an everyday or every weekend thing. Just every now and again. Now we're at a point where she is not accepting. It sucks and hurts yet I am grateful for the time we shared the experiences. But to go cold turkey is hard
Has anyone else gone through this? Anyone else afraid to speak to their better half about their desires?
This may not be the best place to discuss taboo topics. Aside from the forum being PG-13, I think you'll find most of the crowd on this board to lean a little toward traditional values. I can recommend a place that will be more accepting and appropriate to discuss this issue with...feel free to direct message me and I'll forward you the info.
Kinks and fetishes are more common than most people think. Children who develop them for whatever reasons (from natural sexual curiosity or from trauma) can still grow up healthy, normal adults. You shouldn't feel ashamed for them and it's good you opened up with your wife. We don't have enough information about why she's now not accepting, but it could be because she doesn't gain satisfaction or pleasure from the same things you do. Have you tried asking her if there's anything she's thought about exploring? It should be mutual fun and not just her fulfilling your fantasies to appease you.
It could be that you two aren't sexually compatible at this point in your lives. An option is to ask whether she'd be okay with you seeing someone else non-romantically. I'm not going to go into detail with how that would work on here, but you could research it on your own. You just need to communicate in a calm way that you feel this is a necessary part of your intimacy and well-being and that you'd like to continue to use it as a form of release and/or coping. Approach it from that angle and see how she feels about working with you.
As personal preference as I'm known to be a very stout, strong and aggressive man, I don't believe in roughness such as choking, punching, slapping etc..
Someone might get hurt and it's not my style to hurt anyone whom I care about or love intentionally. Know your strength so you can turn the volume down a bit when it's full roar is not needed.
The OP didn't mention whether he was a Dominant or submissive, or even if he's talking about specifically D/s play. In the realm of kinky stuff, it's kind of silly to assume the big, gruff man is the one that likes to do the rough stuff. Sometimes it's the biggest guys that end up liking to feel like the daintiest of ladies (or like a bad school girl) behind closed doors.
but more along the lines of adventurous, experimenting (w/spouse) and toys and such.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ace_TX
I have no idea what your talking about
I dont have any perversions
and maybe im different but i didnt learn from porn... Before i ever seen live action porn i already knew what i wanted done to me sexually by a woman just off of instinct
Well, Ace, unless you consider experimenting with toys and such to be perversions, I think it's pretty clear what the OP means.
Jokir, I think there comes a point in most adults' lives when they want to try something new or change things up with a long-term partner, like toys, roleplay, dressing up, different activities, etc. There is nothing wrong with that.
Ideally, long-term partners and spouses would feel safe and comfortable at least making suggestions without fear of being mocked or making the other person angry. And both partners would remember not to react with anger or disgust if the other wants to try something they don't. All that needs to be said is, "Hmmm, I don't think I could get into that. Sorry."
Just remember that your wife doesn't have to be okay with everything you want to try or agree to do something just to please you if it makes her uncomfortable, and vice versa.
I think the bigger question for you right now is why your wife stopped doing those things with you? Is it that she no longer enjoys them? Or did she not enjoy them in the first place and just got tired of doing them when she gets nothing out of them, herself? Is there another issue in your marriage that needs to be resolved?
I can say that I knew by my ex-hub's personality that there were certain things he wouldn't want to do, so I didn't suggest them. I had a partner who was kind of adventurous, but one time I suggested something and he reacted like such an immature jerk about it that I didn't feel comfortable suggesting anything to him again. A shame, because things started out so well and we had a good sex life for a long time, years. Once that feeling of security and safety was gone, however, blah. He was such an ass about it that I never even initiated after that. I also stopped accommodating him when I wasn't in the mood for what he wanted. I used to go ahead and work with it, and usually I'd get into it myself. But after that, I didn't even care enough to try.
Just in general I think you'll need to find another forum besides C-D. You obviously can only hint at what you're referring to because this is PG-13. Also most of the posters are obviously not very experienced with kink yet feel the need to be judgmental. Sorry there's so little help here!
I've been tied up for the last day and a half and haven't had a chance to read everybody's post. Well there was a few on there that I read that made assumptions, or put their spin on things. There's one said it my mind was possibly manipulated by the porn. That I can't be further from the truth. I never really even discovered pour into my late 20s early 30s's and it wasn't because my parents are lack of parenting. My father was in the Navy and going a lot my mother works long hours but I did have a very good childhood as far as within my own household. I use the word fantasy because it's easier for everybody else to relate to but it's actually considered what I developed as a safe zone. And trust me it confuses the heck out of me and boggles my mind how I could develop a safe zone or an escape that directly parallels the exact thing I was trying to skate from.
These all stem from eight or nine years of being taken advantage of sexually by by various people a little older than I was, male and female - one was a family member. The way it's been explained to me is that I develop these areas develop these places in my head that paralleled what was going on but I used different means to make it bearable and survivable. And somebody brought up about BDSM and dominatrix fetishes - no not at all anything like that brings back triggers ugly images. This is more along the lines of toys voyeurism exhibitionism adventurous - maybe going to a swingers club but maybe not for dissipating maybe have another person or a few other things
Someone mentioned maybe speak with her about finding another person a surrogate or a loaner - I couldn't do that for a few reasons. Early on in our relationship I want to stray emotionally but not sure actually with another woman I was dealing with the loss of my two daughters and this person had two young daughters the same age and I was going to replace my third be for losing my daughters and I saw the pain and hurt that caused in her and I just don't think I can that again.
And I don't think it was the infidelity even knows emotionally not so actually it was still in Fidelity that caused her to back away. Because it was after infidelity it we discussed everything and everything came out and instead of passing judgment she is acknowledge some things and then she even grab my hand and walk my path with me. I go back to some of the emails from the time and she was happy and we were the happiest couple in the world. She even mentioned it she love the new direction we're going in. All she's told me is that she's changed with no reasons.
As far as her she was born and raised in Italy so it might possibly be a cultural thing. It just really stinks because I opened up to her about a lot of things in my life and now some on my getting used against me especially when the fight to the arguments start. And trust me I am not playing myself off is a saint or that I am not perfect by any means. I'm just low on happy now.
I spoke with my therapist about trying to lock up these things and put them away and she said it's on the dangerous side because of the intensity did like the time another been ingrained in my brain my thoughts. She correlated it to a bipolar person taking her medication that they go off her medication they may not be predictable and these things that I have the gold is my coping skills and coping mechanisms to get through life if I put them away if you possibly have repercussions because I will build my medication. I just don't know what to do because I love her to death but I'm not happy.
For some people who cast their opinions based on their perfect life I ask you to take a walk down my path, in my shoes and see the world as I have seen it. Then tell me what your thoughts are
I started this world all alone
Then taken to be alone
Trusting and wanting to belong
Innocence stolen
Head filled with threats
I remember that life was a struggle
It isn’t all roses now but back then it was double
Trust is false
Trusting in the false
I remember when I was searching for answers
Ended up in the house of another
I remember when I was left there crying
I was down on the floor and felt like I was dying
Now it was my soul that was stolen
I remember when I thought I was finished
I couldn’t take another
Quick the end is near
Need Safety
Disconnected the mind
Hide whatever I had left
Preserved myself, whatever remained
Dreamed of a new place
Found safety
All the time I was alone
Always on my own
Find a place, anyplace
No place is there safety but in my head
Need to find a fantasyland
New safety
Getting lost on the way
Disappearing inside myself
Wanting to find happiness
Find acceptance
Find friends
Find ways to forget
Make a new dream
Make a new fantasy
Make a new wall
New Safety
Lock another door
Disassociation now my best friend
Looking for clues and end up in wrong places
So many troubles - trouble in every face
I remember when I turned to drinking
Surrounded by losers it felt like I was sinking
When I walked on my own and I lost all sight
The only future I saw was at the end of a pistol
The path I choose
In my dreams and fantasies
Trusting only one
Safety for one
Security for one
Counting on one
Acceptance for one
I remember when I questioned by the five-o
Disbelief-bad memories-flashbacks, fear - why was I still alive
I remember I was in lost and stressing
Unexpected protection arrived
In this world?
Is this real?
New trust formed
My life saved
I have guilt on my hands from some stupid decisions
I bleeding heart from some painful divisions
So today I sit here and I’m thinking about ****
About the life that I lived and the things I did
All the ones that are hurt
Wishing to take back the hurt of one
People the ones who were there
All the people that ****ed me and made me aware
Asking myself if I would take it all back
But no I wouldn't change for this is my path
You got to be strong to stand on your own
In this world, your dreams and fantasies
Forever to survive
Counting only on yourself
Adapt to find happiness
Disassociate to disappear
Develop your protection
Design your own safety
Provide your own security
Accept yourself
Changing only for yourself
You’ve never been down this road
You can’t in vision nor want to witness
Last edited by Jokir72; 11-20-2014 at 09:21 AM..
Reason: Added line
Keep talking to your theopist...consider seeing one together with your wife.
You can't solve any of this only working on yourself alone.
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Not allowed to rep you right now, so this thumbs up will have to do.
