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So I've been dating this man for about 5 months and at first I really liked him and thought it was going somewhere but somewhere along the line, I just lost that feeling. I held on some longer to make sure I wasn't just having a pissy mood and that it wasn't just him hitting a rough spot, and thought maybe I could even stick out the summer b/c we had big plans and he'd spent quite a bit of money on concert tix for us.
But then last week I had a really rough day at work and texted him that I had and he called a few minutes later, I hoped to ask me about my day but instead he just went on about his, which was getting to be a pattern for him, and never once did he ask about mine. Then the next day I was telling him about it, and trying to keep it brief b/c I'd begun to realize that listening was not his best quality. He listened in complete silence, and that seemed a big strange so I stopped mid-sentence and waited. . . a whole 15 seconds! Then he said something about a storm rolling in. I'd also caught him totally not listening before that, but this was a time when I really needed him to--and I've listened to him b*tch and moan about his job and his kids and his ex and. . . so surely I could blow off a little steam myself when I need to. So, I broke up with him. I figured I just wasn't "hooked" enough to put up with that so I let him know and of course he was completely shocked and upset and trying to put a good spin on his behavior but I just let him know that if he was that uninterested in my life that it wasn't going to work out.
So the reason I'm writing this is that I hate to be the one to break up! I mean I guess I'd rather dump than be dumped and I realize that the alternative is settling for someone who is not quite right for me and that's not good either, or I could just quit dating altogether but that's no fun either, but I actually cried more than he did! And yet I knew this needed to be done but I still went around second guessing myself and thinking I must be crazy to let a good man go like that when it will be hard to find another and at times during the day my heart would give a little lurch and I realized that I'd miss his nightly phone calls, but still yet I know this was the right thing to do b/c if I kept him around just so I wouldn't be lonely, that's not fair to him. Do others suffer this or is it just me?
I might add that I'm not even remotely tempted to call him and try to see him again--it's not that. It's just that I keep wondering if I'm too reactive, but then if the feeling isn't there, it just isn't. The last thing he said was, "The craziest thing is that I thought you liked me better than I liked you." And that's when I realized that he figured he could drop the act of listening carefully to me b/c he figured he had me hooked and could act any way he wanted to. So no, not sorry but still feel bad!
So I've been dating this man for about 5 months and at first I really liked him and thought it was going somewhere but somewhere along the line, I just lost that feeling. I held on some longer to make sure I wasn't just having a pissy mood and that it wasn't just him hitting a rough spot, and thought maybe I could even stick out the summer b/c we had big plans and he'd spent quite a bit of money on concert tix for us.
But then last week I had a really rough day at work and texted him that I had and he called a few minutes later, I hoped to ask me about my day but instead he just went on about his, which was getting to be a pattern for him, and never once did he ask about mine. Then the next day I was telling him about it, and trying to keep it brief b/c I'd begun to realize that listening was not his best quality. He listened in complete silence, and that seemed a big strange so I stopped mid-sentence and waited. . . a whole 15 seconds! Then he said something about a storm rolling in. I'd also caught him totally not listening before that, but this was a time when I really needed him to--and I've listened to him b*tch and moan about his job and his kids and his ex and. . . so surely I could blow off a little steam myself when I need to. So, I broke up with him. I figured I just wasn't "hooked" enough to put up with that so I let him know and of course he was completely shocked and upset and trying to put a good spin on his behavior but I just let him know that if he was that uninterested in my life that it wasn't going to work out.
So the reason I'm writing this is that I hate to be the one to break up! I mean I guess I'd rather dump than be dumped and I realize that the alternative is settling for someone who is not quite right for me and that's not good either, or I could just quit dating altogether but that's no fun either, but I actually cried more than he did! And yet I knew this needed to be done but I still went around second guessing myself and thinking I must be crazy to let a good man go like that when it will be hard to find another and at times during the day my heart would give a little lurch and I realized that I'd miss his nightly phone calls, but still yet I know this was the right thing to do b/c if I kept him around just so I wouldn't be lonely, that's not fair to him. Do others suffer this or is it just me?
I might add that I'm not even remotely tempted to call him and try to see him again--it's not that. It's just that I keep wondering if I'm too reactive, but then if the feeling isn't there, it just isn't. The last thing he said was, "The craziest thing is that I thought you liked me better than I liked you." And that's when I realized that he figured he could drop the act of listening carefully to me b/c he figured he had me hooked and could act any way he wanted to. So no, not sorry but still feel bad!
But then last week I had a really rough day at work and texted him that I had and he called a few minutes later, I hoped to ask me about my day but instead he just went on about his, which was getting to be a pattern for him, and never once did he ask about mine. Then the next day I was telling him about it, and trying to keep it brief b/c I'd begun to realize that listening was not his best quality. He listened in complete silence, and that seemed a big strange so I stopped mid-sentence and waited. . . a whole 15 seconds! Then he said something about a storm rolling in. I'd also caught him totally not listening before that, but this was a time when I really needed him to--and I've listened to him b*tch and moan about his job and his kids and his ex and. . .
{snip}
I know this was the right thing to do b/c if I kept him around just so I wouldn't be lonely
Thing is, sooner or later you would have felt lonely in the relationship, anyway--except then you'd also be stuck with all the responsibilities and confinements of a relationship, such as listening to his self-absorbed, oblivious prattling.
I don't know if it's generational thing or a man thing or a people thing, but I find that a lot of people just don't listen, at all..... at all.
My dad is the worst, he doesn't hear a word I say, Mrs. Chow sometimes complains that I don't listen.....
IDK....
I took a communications class one time and part of it was carefully watching your interactions with people and you'd be surprised how often people don't pay attention or actually listen and understand what you've said.
I think too that a lot of people are trapped in their heads a lot of the time and listening to the outside world sometimes takes a lot of work. I know sometimes after work I don't want to have to put in the brain power that true listening actually takes......
Generally speaking, us guys like to offer a solution to the problem or the bad day.....whatever it is the complaining is about.....then we want to move on to the next topic.
Women (in my experience), tend to console and participate in "active listening" a lot more.
I might add that I'm not even remotely tempted to call him and try to see him again--it's not that. It's just that I keep wondering if I'm too reactive, but then if the feeling isn't there, it just isn't. The last thing he said was, "The craziest thing is that I thought you liked me better than I liked you." And that's when I realized that he figured he could drop the act of listening carefully to me b/c he figured he had me hooked and could act any way he wanted to. So no, not sorry but still feel bad!
Hey, Stepka! Power through, Ma'am! You probably made the right decisions and I think you know it. The bolded really speaks to how he saw the relationship and I think your assessment of him based on that statement is spot on, so you did yourself right by ending the relationship. Little things really do matter in a relationship because it's the little things that get us through the daily grind. Being careless in the little things, like listening, can destroy a relationship.
So I've been dating this man for about 5 months and at first I really liked him and thought it was going somewhere but somewhere along the line, I just lost that feeling. I held on some longer to make sure I wasn't just having a pissy mood and that it wasn't just him hitting a rough spot, and thought maybe I could even stick out the summer b/c we had big plans and he'd spent quite a bit of money on concert tix for us.
But then last week I had a really rough day at work and texted him that I had and he called a few minutes later, I hoped to ask me about my day but instead he just went on about his, which was getting to be a pattern for him, and never once did he ask about mine. Then the next day I was telling him about it, and trying to keep it brief b/c I'd begun to realize that listening was not his best quality. He listened in complete silence, and that seemed a big strange so I stopped mid-sentence and waited. . . a whole 15 seconds! Then he said something about a storm rolling in. I'd also caught him totally not listening before that, but this was a time when I really needed him to--and I've listened to him b*tch and moan about his job and his kids and his ex and. . . so surely I could blow off a little steam myself when I need to. So, I broke up with him. I figured I just wasn't "hooked" enough to put up with that so I let him know and of course he was completely shocked and upset and trying to put a good spin on his behavior but I just let him know that if he was that uninterested in my life that it wasn't going to work out.
So the reason I'm writing this is that I hate to be the one to break up! I mean I guess I'd rather dump than be dumped and I realize that the alternative is settling for someone who is not quite right for me and that's not good either, or I could just quit dating altogether but that's no fun either, but I actually cried more than he did! And yet I knew this needed to be done but I still went around second guessing myself and thinking I must be crazy to let a good man go like that when it will be hard to find another and at times during the day my heart would give a little lurch and I realized that I'd miss his nightly phone calls, but still yet I know this was the right thing to do b/c if I kept him around just so I wouldn't be lonely, that's not fair to him. Do others suffer this or is it just me?
I might add that I'm not even remotely tempted to call him and try to see him again--it's not that. It's just that I keep wondering if I'm too reactive, but then if the feeling isn't there, it just isn't. The last thing he said was, "The craziest thing is that I thought you liked me better than I liked you." And that's when I realized that he figured he could drop the act of listening carefully to me b/c he figured he had me hooked and could act any way he wanted to. So no, not sorry but still feel bad!
I've thought back on a couple of situations where I decided to stop seeing people and regretted it a bit because they were nice and I'm still single. But that's just loneliness talking. The truth is that I would pretty much never stop seeing someone who I really wanted to be with. In those cases, they're always the ones to drop me. If it's my decision, I'm just not really into them.
Ending a relationship is never easy. It means actively taking control of your life rather than just passively letting things happen to you. (This is why people love playing the victim- it absolves them of taking responsibility for any & all chaos created - or so they think..) 'Going along to get along' gets you nowhere if it's not what's in your heart. * Knowing what's in your heart is what gives you the strength & courage to let someone go ~ which is honestly one of the kindest things you can do for a person, and yourself. So have faith in your journey & keep it movin'! * That which you seek is also seeking you! : )
It's a tough thing to do, certainly. However, from what your saying, he did not have a true interest in you as a person anyway. He did not show you enough respect to even listen to you when he allowed you to speak about yourself.
So, you have every right to feel bad about having to end it, but don't feel you let a good one get away. Someone who has no concern for you is not a good one.
Thing is, sooner or later you would have felt lonely in the relationship, anyway--except then you'd also be stuck with all the responsibilities and confinements of a relationship, such as listening to his self-absorbed, oblivious prattling.
Yes, I was already doing enough of that lol.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chowhound
Sorry to hear it didn't work out.
I don't know if it's generational thing or a man thing or a people thing, but I find that a lot of people just don't listen, at all..... at all.
My dad is the worst, he doesn't hear a word I say, Mrs. Chow sometimes complains that I don't listen.....
IDK....
I took a communications class one time and part of it was carefully watching your interactions with people and you'd be surprised how often people don't pay attention or actually listen and understand what you've said.
I think too that a lot of people are trapped in their heads a lot of the time and listening to the outside world sometimes takes a lot of work. I know sometimes after work I don't want to have to put in the brain power that true listening actually takes......
Yes, I think that was most of it--he was so into what was in his head and then he'd call me and talk about the mundane details of his life--like he had to get it out of his head and into mine, and he was doing about 90% of the talking and I was starting to say less and less b/c I knew he wouldn't be interested or I'd tried bringing a subject up before but he'd changed the subject back to himself. I guess I snapped the day I had such a bad day though--the kind that makes you question your whole career path--and he couldn't even listen for 5 min on the phone. I don't know why the phone went silent for that 15 seconds I mentioned earlier. Was he sleeping? Got up and walked around? Or just totally off into another world? I'll never know--I'm sure you were never that bad Mr. Chow--I certainly don't expect men to be like women but if they can't listen for 5 min w/o going to sleep, what's the point of being in a relationship?
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It's been a suck week.
