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I would imagine that the reason it's not past a superficial level is because you're not acting with any initiative to take things beyond a superficial level. You mention that among the people you eat lunch with, you "may be developing actual friendships and there has been discussion of hanging out sometime." That's vague and fairly passively expressed. Friendships (and social activities) don't just happen by loitering around and hoping they somehow materialize. You actually have to put forth active effort.
I did 120 hours at a music summer camp over two summers (I am a junior). I am in a youth symphony (outside of school) and in two orchestras at school and might be joining another orchestra that is outside of school [though this one is actually mostly college students to older people (40+)]. I should look more into math stuff, but there's this one competition in late February-early March 2015.
Yeah, that's what I am working with the psychologist and therapist on actually [the social skills and confidence]. That, and to repair some of my negative outlooks on life and dating and relationships in general (that I have harvested over the years).
Wow, OP, I wish I were you! Or I wish I'd been you in HS--all those music activities! So, you don't make friends through those orchestras, and all? Maybe you just haven't found anyone you click with?
It sounds like you're doing everything right, in terms of addressing your concerns. That's great that you're working with a psychologist. I don't know how one gets to a place of having "harvested negative outlooks on life, dating and relationships" at the ripe old age of 16 already, that's interesting. I hope your psych is able to help. This is a good investment in yourself, taking the bull by the horns, as it were, before you get to college. (Universities have free counseling services, just FYI, for future reference.)
You sound really bright. Don't worry about not dating. You're doing the right thing by focussing on what makes you happy, on the one hand, and working with a psychologist on the other. Be patient, as the counseling takes time to bear fruit. You're actually way ahead of the college and post-college guys who come here to complain about the same thing you're concerned about, because you're actually trying to do something about it; you're getting professional help.
Aren't there any shy or geeky girls in your school you could try to make friends with? Have you already tried that? I could see you being part of a small, geeky circle. Those can actually be a lot of fun.
I don't know...other than I have never really tried for some time and otherwise I just didn't know how to take things to the next level, so to speak. That, and I am relatively quite low on the social status hierarchy. But as of now, I can only give you a vague response. I am actually working with my school psychologist (and my therapist to a smaller extent) to get to the roots of this malfunction.
I do have a couple casual friends at lunch this year though with whom I may be developing actual friendships with and there has been discussion of hanging out sometime. So I guess there is some potential.
Good. Work with your therapist and school psychologist on this. This is the root of your problems. Being able to create bonds with others, to have close friendships with others - that comes first. Don't think about dating until you understand how to create bonds and friendships first.
Going for serious romantic relationships before becoming comfortable with platonic socialization with others in general is definitely putting the cart before the horse.
Alright, thanks. I actually had originally just came here for a quick question but a productive discussion actually ensued this time, surprisingly after the two frustrating threads last month. Thank you for that.
I don't know...other than I have never really tried for some time and otherwise I just didn't know how to take things to the next level, so to speak. That, and I am relatively quite low on the social status hierarchy. But as of now, I can only give you a vague response. I am actually working with my school psychologist (and my therapist to a smaller extent) to get to the roots of this malfunction.
I do have a couple casual friends at lunch this year though with whom I may be developing actual friendships with and there has been discussion of hanging out sometime. So I guess there is some potential.
The way to deal with that is to find others who are also low in the hierarchy. Being low in the hierarchy doesn't really mean anything in the grand scheme of things, it just means that social hierarchies are superficial by nature, so it's easy to blow them off and do your own thing. If you tried, I think you'd find some good friendships, serious bonding, if you looked in that arena.
BTW, did you not make friends at the music camp where you spent a couple of summers? It's hard not to make 1 or 2 good friends at camp.
The way to deal with that is to find others who are also low in the hierarchy. Being low in the hierarchy doesn't really mean anything in the grand scheme of things, it just means that social hierarchies are superficial by nature, so it's easy to blow them off and do your own thing. If you tried, I think you'd find some good friendships, serious bonding, if you looked in that arena.
BTW, did you not make friends at the music camp where you spent a couple of summers? It's hard not to make 1 or 2 good friends at camp.
Very true. And, really, socially hierarchies at the adolescent level morph a LOT as you age and get into more mature social situations. People with niche interests, while sometimes looked at askance in HS, usually find "their people" pretty quickly in college and adulthood. That is, of course, assuming that one is open to socializing and forming bonds with "their people" once they meet them. The key here really is being comfortable enough in your own skin to approach people with whom you want to develop social bonds, and not hang back.
I never dated in high school. During that time, my prime focus was to get good grades and get into to college. Nobody took it seriously.
My prime focus was the same, but I still socialized and had high school romantic relationships. One doesn't necessarily have to preclude the other. You can have friends and girlfriends and do extracurriculars and get good grades and get into college.
But, yeah, for the most part, at least in my social circle, nobody was really looking at high school romances like they were "for life." I did live in a small town, though, and there definitely WERE people I was in high school with who married their high school boyfriend or girlfriend. As mentioned earlier, my brother actually did, but years after high school, when they had both gone to their respective colleges, and, in her case, a master's program, and got professionally established. But that's obviously an exception to the rule. Very much so. I did go to school with people who married right out of high school to the people they dated as teens, but in the vast majority of those instances, things did not last.
I'm wondering what the accuracy of high school dating statistics has anything to do with your current issue of maintaining relationships with women.
Whether it's normal or odd that you didn't forge connections with the opposite sex back then, that doesn't dictate your future choices.
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So, you don't make friends through those orchestras, and all? Maybe you just haven't found anyone you click with?
