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Right. I and most of the people I went to school with didn't even have cars until maybe late in their senior years, if that soon.
What...was I supposed to call mom and ask her to leave work in the middle of a shift to go on a date? Yeah, good luck with that.
Granted, I did go to high school for three years in the[Bghetto[/b],so at times before I moved out, it did seem like there was a pregnant 16-year old around every corner. Somehow, I don't believe they were dating, though. Especially the guy they knocked boots with.
With fewer kiddos getting cars for various reasons that you can surmise these days, that's not going to be an exception.
The ghetto versus affluent area could be the difference. I grew up in an area that the kids all had cars. I drove a brand new bronco to school most days, but I owned a honda civic and a jeep wrangler. I parked next to a guy that had a Porsche.
I married the last guy I dated in high school. Our relationship might have worked if he was not so I to himself, friends and just having fun. And I hadn't actually wanted to be in a relationship with someone that actually wanted to spend time with me. Crazy how that works out. I just tell myself he just was not into me.
Of course, I am still looking for that someone that is into me. So maybe I should have stayed with my ex that never came home, would not sleep with me and always put his friends above me.
Going for serious romantic relationships before becoming comfortable with platonic socialization with others in general is definitely putting the cart before the horse.
I agree. There's the word "friend" in "girlfriend." The same social skills apply: taking a genuine interest in the other person's feelings, keeping up with what's going on in her life, carrying a conversation, taking about things you have in common, things like that.
High school was not fun for me. I did have a boyfriend but he went to another school, and I felt very alone at times. I had a small band of friends, but sometimes everybody was busy with activities at lunch or out sick and I'd be alone at lunch. I absolutely did not identify with the breezy girls with designer clothes and Daddy's car. You know how it is. Nobody is walking up to someone's else's table and saying, "Mind if I sit here?" All the cliques are formed and locked down tight.
College was much better. I actually enjoyed learning and trying hard in class, so when I could choose what I wanted to study and sit in the front row without feeling like a teacher's pet, school was a lot more fun. Nobody knew me. I went to junior college before transferring, and I learned that the students who didn't like school would flake out and quit after a few weeks, so the people left were more like-minded. Professors treat you differently in college, and some will be friendly and cool. It's more okay to be yourself there.
Someone above said there's a reason the term "late bloomer" exists. Hang in there. Also, maybe look into being a tutor. I tutored high school kids, including the homecoming queen and a couple cheerleaders. I wasn't intimidated by them anymore. Calculus is tough, and everybody has to take it or a similarly advanced math.
Hmmm. Do you ever get the feeling you are overthinking things?
I have always been an overthinker (I do it without realizing it).
Granted, I probably am overthinking in that post given my nature, but exactly how so? On what basis do you say that I am overthinking in that post? That's the critical question.
Adding to that post I made, that's why it's also demoralizing to see people to mention that they manage to get dates and even have flings (or get "friendzoned" over time), but not get any further, or even be able to enter romantic relationships but always something going wrong in the end that results in a breakup (that's what I mean by people otherwise being proficient in dating and conducting romantic relationships still feeling dissatisfied and unsuccessful) - because I am here practically sitting at y=0 having been unable to get anywhere with girls, even platonically. That's also what causes quite a bit of angst. Using inductive reasoning and taking into account all relevant factors, I am getting the feeling that I am going to be one of those guys that struggle severely with dating and entering romantic relationships and possibly end up like one of those, "Male [20/22/25/28/30+]: never been in a relationship." I may be successful in math and music, but then again, I have seen quite a few posts on various forums of Ivy League graduates across their twenties who take part in tons of hobbies, etc and are even proficient socially (so they're even "better" than I probably will) still unable to find someone and get very many dates, if any.
Last edited by Anonymous_U123456789; 11-22-2014 at 03:19 PM..
This is why it's important to live in the now and enjoy it. OP you're heading right down the track to being forever single with your incessant agonising and hand wringing.
I have always been an overthinker (I do it without realizing it).
Granted, I probably am overthinking in that post given my nature, but exactly how so? On what basis do you say that I am overthinking in that post? That's the critical question.
Adding to that post I made, that's why it's also demoralizing to see people to mention that they manage to get dates and even have flings (or get "friendzoned" over time), but not get any further, or even be able to enter romantic relationships but always something going wrong in the end that results in a breakup (that's what I mean by people otherwise being proficient in dating and conducting romantic relationships still feeling dissatisfied and unsuccessful) - because I am here practically sitting at y=0 having been unable to get anywhere with girls, even platonically. That's also what causes quite a bit of angst. Using inductive reasoning and taking into account all relevant factors, I am getting the feeling that I am going to be one of those guys that struggle severely with dating and entering romantic relationships and possibly end up like one of those, "Male [20/22/25/28/30+]: never been in a relationship." I may be successful in math and music, but then again, I have seen quite a few posts on various forums of Ivy League graduates across their twenties who take part in tons of hobbies, etc and are even proficient socially (so they're even "better" than I probably will) still unable to find someone and get very many dates, if any.
Work on making friends. Work on your social skills. Stop thinking about everything else. Stop worrying about other people. Stop worrying about people that date but aren't happy. You're acting like someone who is just learning to swim but is worried about the Olympics. And also - breaking up is a natural part of dating and relationships. Few people end up spending the rest of their lives with the first person they go out with. That doesn't mean they are always miserable or that they are unsuccessful. It just means that they weren't right for each other. There are going to be way more people that are wrong for you than are right for you. Dating is about finding the right ones and to find the right ones, you have to go through the wrong ones. But like I said, master the basics before you spend your days worrying about something you don't understand and aren't ready for.
You have a lot going for you, OP. Count your blessings. Focus on those activities that bring you pleasure and that also bring you into contact with other people your age who enjoy those things. Talk to the other kids at the music recitals and math competitions, etc. You should find a few that you click with, sooner or later.
I still don't understand why you didn't make friends at the music camp you attended. Or did you? Still no answer to that question.
I have always been an overthinker (I do it without realizing it).
Granted, I probably am overthinking in that post given my nature, but exactly how so? On what basis do you say that I am overthinking in that post? That's the critical question.
Your posts seem to be looking at dating from a technical analytic POV. Forging intimate (even platonic) connections with people doesn't come down to numbers or formula. It may be you're lacking spontaneity or warmth in your approaches.
If you enjoy reading, there's a ton of books out there that can recommend ways to improve social skills. I think you said you were meeting with a counselor, which could be a fantastic resource since they're probably clued into social events at your school that you could join.
Your posts seem to be looking at dating from a technical analytic POV. Forging intimate (even platonic) connections with people doesn't come down to numbers or formula. It may be you're lacking spontaneity or warmth in your approaches.
If you enjoy reading, there's a ton of books out there that can recommend ways to improve social skills. I think you said you were meeting with a counselor, which could be a fantastic resource since they're probably clued into social events at your school that you could join.
Exactly, people have said this before.
I have a very strong left brain (and is partly the reason I am so analytical and do great mathematically), but a very weak right brain. Unfortunately, proficiency in social skills and dating are responsibilities of the right brain. I also sucked at sports throughout my childhood and wasn't much of a reading-for-pleasure guy either, which are other indicators of not being a right-minded guy.
I also recall someone on another forum saying that my intellectual development has far outpaced my emotional/social development which is posing difficulties and frustration.
And yes, I am, and she gave me a book on social skills which I have started reading.
Work on making friends. Work on your social skills. Stop thinking about everything else. Stop worrying about other people. Stop worrying about people that date but aren't happy. You're acting like someone who is just learning to swim but is worried about the Olympics. And also - breaking up is a natural part of dating and relationships. Few people end up spending the rest of their lives with the first person they go out with. That doesn't mean they are always miserable or that they are unsuccessful. It just means that they weren't right for each other. There are going to be way more people that are wrong for you than are right for you. Dating is about finding the right ones and to find the right ones, you have to go through the wrong ones. But like I said, master the basics before you spend your days worrying about something you don't understand and aren't ready for.
That's exactly it. I call this the "mountain analogy". I see all these people falling/dying at various parts of the mountain in the process of climbing, but I can't even make it past the first row of the entrance line down here.
And actually, one of my far future fears is theoretically having a series of relationships (if that) for the rest of my life that at best each last a few years, because that seems to be how most people's lives are these days. I don't know if I mentioned this already or not, but again, I see frustrated people in these older age groups that are unable to have a lasting relationship. However, I recall some posters questioning if that's really "bad".
In response to the underlined, that's true, and what is demoralizing is the fact that I can't even do that even if I want to. That's what I mean when I mention these people advising me to "start dating" and have my own experiences, etc and me getting frustrated in response because I can't even if I want to (which I do).
This fixation is what's paralyzing me and something the school psychologist has even been trying to derail. But this is basically the core of my angst. I understand that developing social skills and confidence is the first step, but at the same time I am demoralized because I realize that that's merely what it is [the first step], and many people who are proficient in those skills are still unable to get dates or if they are, they aren't really getting anywhere. I wouldn't be too worried if I was actually in the latter group of people. But I am not, and seeing those people is demoralizing and unsettling. The fixation revolves around the concern that if many of these people who are able to date, etc aren't successful in their romantic lives and are thus giving up even, what is my fate supposed to be?
This obsession is what's causing a lot of anxiety for me and is something I am going to be looking into with my therapist.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
You have a lot going for you, OP. Count your blessings. Focus on those activities that bring you pleasure and that also bring you into contact with other people your age who enjoy those things. Talk to the other kids at the music recitals and math competitions, etc. You should find a few that you click with, sooner or later.
I still don't understand why you didn't make friends at the music camp you attended. Or did you? Still no answer to that question.
Do you know your IQ score, btw?
No, I didn't make any actual real friends. I felt as if the "cliques" were pre-defined and I didn't really have a chance, and that seems to be a recurring theme, even at that orchestra I was talking about that meets outside of school.
That's exactly it. I call this the "mountain analogy". I see all these people falling/dying at various parts of the mountain in the process of climbing, but I can't even make it past the first row of the entrance line down here.
And actually, one of my far future fears is theoretically having a series of relationships (if that) for the rest of my life that at best each last a few years, because that seems to be how most people's lives are these days. I don't know if I mentioned this already or not, but again, I see frustrated people in these older age groups that are unable to have a lasting relationship. However, I recall some posters questioning if that's really "bad".
In response to the underlined, that's true, and what is demoralizing is the fact that I can't even do that even if I want to. That's what I mean when I mention these people advising me to "start dating" and have my own experiences, etc and me getting frustrated in response because I can't even if I want to (which I do).
This fixation is what's paralyzing me and something the school psychologist has even been trying to derail. But this is basically the core of my angst. I understand that developing social skills and confidence is the first step, but at the same time I am demoralized because I realize that that's merely what it is [the first step], and many people who are proficient in those skills are still unable to get dates or if they are, they aren't really getting anywhere. I wouldn't be too worried if I was actually in the latter group of people. But I am not, and seeing those people is demoralizing and unsettling. The fixation revolves around the concern that if many of these people who are able to date, etc aren't successful in their romantic lives and are thus giving up even, what is my fate supposed to be?
This obsession is what's causing a lot of anxiety for me and is something I am going to be looking into with my therapist.
No, I didn't make any actual real friends. I felt as if the "cliques" were pre-defined and I didn't really have a chance, and that seems to be a recurring theme, even at that orchestra I was talking about that meets outside of school.
And no, I don't know my IQ score. Why do you ask?
Can I ask why you spend so much time here if you are working on these things with trained professionals? I don't mean to offend you - but we are not necessarily equipped to handle people with severe issues. I mean, I can tell you to work on your social skills and to stop obsessing things that you imagine might happen instead of just living your life - but that doesn't seem to have any real effect on you. I think you need to stick with the professionals and maybe take a break from forums and such.
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