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This is an interesting thread. I remember a while ago there was another similar thread. The problem was slightly different. In this thread, the discussion was a mother who said her kids were more important than her husband. If I remember right, most thought, especially the women, that this was the correct attitude for a mother to have. Interesting when the shoe is on the other foot, how then the priorities change. For the record, imho, God always comes first, then the spouse, then other family according to their actual needs.
Was that thread about actual minor-age children? Not adult, married, self-sufficient "children"?
This is an interesting thread. I remember a while ago there was another similar thread. The problem was slightly different. In this thread, the discussion was a mother who said her kids were more important than her husband. If I remember right, most thought, especially the women, that this was the correct attitude for a mother to have. Interesting when the shoe is on the other foot, how then the priorities change. For the record, imho, God always comes first, then the spouse, then other family according to their actual needs.
This isn't a case of the shoe being on the other foot. The shoe being on the other foot would be if the wife listened to her mother who was interfering in the marriage, and she failed to defend her husband. In fact, there was a thread about that just recently. The opinion was unanimous that the husband should leave and find someone who could function as a team with him, not write him off if the mother said to do that.
Alright this seems to have gotten a little heated, which really wasn't my intention.
Dave nz - Yes I work. Throughout the entire relationship, including now. Now do I bring in the same income as he does? No.
I do appreciate some of the thorough responses.
I have contemplated divorced. I've been stewing on this for a month or so now but haven't pulled the trigger because family members are appalled that we're willing to end a ten year relationship.
Last edited by CookieBaker; 11-25-2014 at 10:01 PM..
Guy sounds like a serious Mammas boy. I can't relate to that as I'm very independent. If its been constant for 10 years its not unlikely to change. Must put a serious strain on the relationship.
If you weren't pulling your weight in the relationship, I could understand him losing respect for you, but it sounds like you are. Goodluck either resolving it, or moving on.
Alright this seems to have gotten a little heated, which really wasn't my intention.
Dave nz - Yes I work. Throughout the entire relationship, including now. Now do I bring in the same income as he does? No.
I do appreciate some of the thorough responses.
I have contemplated divorced. I've been stewing on this for a month or so now but haven't pulled the trigger because family members are appalled that we're willing to end a ten year relationship.
Well, it's not unheard of. My mother has been wanting to leave my father, due to his difficult behavior and stubbornness in changing, and throwing tantrums when my mother brings it up, and they have been together 20 years. So, she's getting stuff paid off and worked out before leaving.
But your family aren't the ones in the relationship. You staying effects you-not them. You're the one who has to live with him, and practically his mother.
So, it's like a saying I heard from a girl who wasn't living the life her parents wanted "I won't set myself on fire just so they can be warm." Don't break your back and be unhappy just to please others. It's good to be selfless, but there's limits, and if it seems like you're always the one sacrificing and being miserable, and people are content to let you be miserable at their happiness, may be time to put yourself 1st.
But all this is only if you're completely unhappy, and feel that his mother has overstepped her boundaries, and this issue has been happening alot over 10 years.
I love my mother very much, but she would never expect that I pick her over my wife. If it actually happened I would try and be reasonable, but I know some people can't be reasoned with. I feel bad for people that are put in those positions.
...I've been stewing on this for a month or so now but haven't pulled the trigger because family members are appalled that we're willing to end a ten year relationship.
OMHO, I don't think family members should be brought into a discussion about your marriage. That's just me. I'd have never considered talking to my parents or sibs about problems with my spouse. Said spouse doesn't stand a chance from then on. Apparently hubby talks to his momma about you, and you talk to your family about him. Just seems wrong to me.
Oh, and hubby is wrong, wrong, wrong to put his mother ahead of you. Only a fool would think that way, and only an even bigger fool would admit it to his spouse.
Well, it's not unheard of. My mother has been wanting to leave my father, due to his difficult behavior and stubbornness in changing, and throwing tantrums when my mother brings it up, and they have been together 20 years. So, she's getting stuff paid off and worked out before leaving.
But your family aren't the ones in the relationship. You staying effects you-not them. You're the one who has to live with him, and practically his mother.
So, it's like a saying I heard from a girl who wasn't living the life her parents wanted "I won't set myself on fire just so they can be warm." Don't break your back and be unhappy just to please others. It's good to be selfless, but there's limits, and if it seems like you're always the one sacrificing and being miserable, and people are content to let you be miserable at their happiness, may be time to put yourself 1st.
But all this is only if you're completely unhappy, and feel that his mother has overstepped her boundaries, and this issue has been happening alot over 10 years.
Vanillachocolate - first of all, thank you for your honest opinion. And I do understand that sometimes I need to put myself first. If this happened during the entire duration of the relationship, I would've ran long ago.
We've had a great relationship before marriage and having kids came into talk.
But once we got married (which happened not so long ago), mil seems to now have an opinion about everything.
I do think she has overstepped her boundary, and I could get past it if HE stuck by me but during a heated argument he told me that if push came to shove, he would pick his family over me... So in retrospect he's already made a decision for me.
OMHO, I don't think family members should be brought into a discussion about your marriage. That's just me. I'd have never considered talking to my parents or sibs about problems with my spouse. Said spouse doesn't stand a chance from then on. Apparently hubby talks to his momma about you, and you talk to your family about him. Just seems wrong to me.
Oh, and hubby is wrong, wrong, wrong to put his mother ahead of you. Only a fool would think that way, and only an even bigger fool would admit it to his spouse.
I normally don't, and I would never talk to my parents about it unless I've finalized a decision. I have spoken to a sibling about it because I really wanted someone to shed some light.
Then there's hubby who's spoken to his cousin's..
Vanillachocolate - first of all, thank you for your honest opinion. And I do understand that sometimes I need to put myself first. If this happened during the entire duration of the relationship, I would've ran long ago.
We've had a great relationship before marriage and having kids came into talk.
But once we got married (which happened not so long ago), mil seems to now have an opinion about everything.
I do think she has overstepped her boundary, and I could get past it if HE stuck by me but during a heated argument he told me that if push came to shove, he would pick his family over me... So in retrospect he's already made a decision for me.
Seems like it was fine when you were just the girlfriend. Now, as the wife, mil is probably feeling threatened now because her son has another major woman in his life. So, she may be controlling, and hanging on to her son. I forget, didn't she have a bunch of failed marriages? or was it just dating? Does she have any other children, and is she in a relationship now? Because if she's single, and her son is an only child, it can be understood, she wants the bulk of her son's attention and to keep things to her liking with regards to him, because he's all she's got, and possibly not too much outside of him. If she is so fixated on her kids' relationships, she either has control issues, or simply not much of a life.
However, if she's got other kids and/or a busy life, I just think it boils that she's jealous of her son's wife, and wants to be #1 so she incorporates herself into his life & marriage, and he's apparently used to it (the former lol), as it seems he goes to her to talk about your relationship, then takes her word and opinion as gospel over your's. It may sound silly, but many mothers/sons + fathers/daughters + brothers/sisters have these complexes where they overstep boundaries and try to be involved in things they shouldn't be, or involve the other in matters they shouldn't.
Like my brother who has a serious girlfriend of 5+ years. When said girlfriend wanted to set me up, a few years back, he says I don't need to meet anyone. How selfish is that.
But I have said enough. I may be way off. I am just throwing out theories/possibilities Sorry. I wish you luck in any choices you make, and hope whatever it is, is good for you, and will make you happier with your life and self. Sorry you're having problems.
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Sorry. I wish you luck in any choices you make, and hope whatever it is, is good for you, and will make you happier with your life and self. Sorry you're having problems.
