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Threads like these are good for people to examine their own behavior in relationships. I know that doesn't add anything to the thread, but it definitely made me think of a few times I've been passive aggressive. I can't imagine throwing a fit like that in front of an SO's family though.
I feel for you and anyone mentioning anything similar - just grateful to not be going through it, myself. It would be nice if some could just be honest regarding how they feel, instead.
Hopefully you will live your life without this torture.
Last edited by In2itive_1; 12-02-2014 at 12:00 AM..
I actually didn't go to a hotel last night because I ended up going to the movies with my two best friends and had a really nice time. I felt really good so decided to go home. Plus, I was so incredibly exhausted that I knew I'd pass out from exhaustion which is exactly what happened.
He is now answering basic questions; but otherwise ignoring me. This is his pattern. Total silent treatment. Then he will answer very basic questions. Eventually, he will/want need something and then just act like nothing has happened. The basic-talking-but-still-emotionally-withdrawn-phase could last anywhere from days to weeks. Hard to tell. At this point, it's not really mattering a whole lot to me any more.
What did I do to deserve the silent treatment, emotional withdrawal? Nothing. Nobody deserves this. Nobody deserves to sit in their own house and watch their dog receive more affection than they do. But to answer everyone's questions, on Thanksgiving day, I asked him to chop veggies. I was doing the entire dinner alone (which is okay, I love to cook) and got really behind. I explained this to him and just asked if he would chop some veggies for me. He went off and started yelling at me, saying I should've been better organized and some other stuff and then....BOOM. He left and put his earbuds in and that was that. My family happened to be at my house and they confirmed that I wasn't nasty about it or anything. I have no idea why chopping veggies would set him off. I'm guessing something happened at work? Or he had just spoken to his mom on the phone so there may have been issue with her? I don't know. Honestly, I don't care. Reason 1532 why the silent treatment is stupid.
My guess is nothing happened at work. You just had the audacity to request help that he knew he should have been giving you and he was embarrassed because it made him look bad in front of your family. Narcissists hate it when they're exposed.
And you know what the best thing you can do right now is? Ignore him. If you're really about to go to counseling and you're really not inclined to save your marriage, just ignore him. See, by making you jump through hoops to get some kind of crumbs from him by way of answer to very basic questions, he's getting his ego stroked. So don't stroke it. If there is one thing a narcissist cannot stand, it's to be disregarded.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bande1102
To those who post about doing the silent treatment back, getting angry--I totally get that. When someone stops talking to you or withdraws---especially when this person is your most intimate partner--it really, really hurts. There is a huge level of anger and frustration and resentment. Then, when you can't take it any more and yell, the other person will blame you for yelling. I've been there. If you leave the room when they ignore you, they blame you for not being available because if only you'd waited 5 more minutes, they were going to talk to you. For those who think giving the silent treatment back works---it doesn't. Trust me. The person who initiated the silent treatment will outlast you. They are the masters. This is what they do. No matter what you do, you will always be blamed. It's always your fault.
All I can do is stay calm, continue to communicate with him, and make my plans.
Ah, but not playing the game was, and is, my way of staying calm. My ex tried to blame me with that "I was about to talk to you" garbage.
Him: Where are you going?
Me: It's obvious you don't want to talk, so I'm leaving.
Him: I was just about to talk to you.
Me: No, you weren't. You know it, and I know it, so cut the [crap]. Bye.
And then I would either get in my car or a cab and go home. In your case, I would just go about my day.
Giving some one the silent treatment and acting up in front of friends or family is two separate behaviors and IMO each of them is intended to have a different effect or communicated something different.
One of the easiest things for couples to do is to hold it together in front of other people and pretend that things are fine. I think he wants people to know that there is a problem as a buffer for things to come.
Sometimes the silent treament means you have had it with her stuff and a week with out it is nice. It was a needed break for everyone and a chance to reset the relationship emotionaly. Sometimes people in relationships hit below the belt and it's better to say nothing rather than try to one up them. Remember that old saying if you don't have any thing good to say.....
Some counsellors think men who are prone to violence do better by being silent and not escalating a situation.
This works with confrontations with males or females. If communication was easy there would be virtually no divorce. If the op decides to seek therapy the op will have to forget about all the advice on CD. You can't go into a therapist and say my husband is a petulant jerk fix him so I can be happy.
If you're the type who thinks they are right no matter what and anyone's opinion/viewpoint/argument is wrong then you're just a self absorbed arrogant douchebag. Communication isn't hard. It just takes both people hearing each other out and willingness to listen to the other person. The problem is that for the most part the "bully" of the relationship tends to act out in a loud intimidating manner and attempt to cower the more timid/passive party to their point of view. Sometimes it's as simple as the bully being insecure but by acting in a loud intimidating manner they get their way.So the timid party just "gives in" therefore the bully feels like they "won".
Therapy works if both parties go but going by yourself and letting out your anger/disappointment/frustration can be therapeutic in its own way too.
I would start putting my affairs in order, just in case things can't work out.
You both really need marriage counseling. The silent treatment for weeks on end may be a symptom of a bigger problem. Asking someone to chop veggies shouldn't result in a total withdraw from the marriage. Either it's something deeper in the marriage that he can't communicate or he may have some deeper issues within himself.
If you're the type who thinks they are right no matter what and anyone's opinion/viewpoint/argument is wrong then you're just a self absorbed arrogant douchebag. Communication isn't hard. It just takes both people hearing each other out and willingness to listen to the other person. The problem is that for the most part the "bully" of the relationship tends to act out in a loud intimidating manner and attempt to cower the more timid/passive party to their point of view. Sometimes it's as simple as the bully being insecure but by acting in a loud intimidating manner they get their way.So the timid party just "gives in" therefore the bully feels like they "won".
Therapy works if both parties go but going by yourself and letting out your anger/disappointment/frustration can be therapeutic in its own way too.
You sound like the type who thinks they are right no matter what and anyone's opinion/viewpoint/argument is wrong then you're just a self absorbed arrogant douchebag. Communication isn't hard.
Divorce, wars, fistfights, communication is indeed hard, that’s why so many people make a living teaching people how to communicate, notwithstanding the number of professionals whose job is to basically communicate. The reason some people quit talking is because some people stop listening to them. There is an old rule in counseling, you might not be able to change a person’s behavior, but you can change your response to that behavior.
My guess is nothing happened at work. You just had the audacity to request help that he knew he should have been giving you and he was embarrassed because it made him look bad in front of your family. Narcissists hate it when they're exposed.
And you know what the best thing you can do right now is? Ignore him. If you're really about to go to counseling and you're really not inclined to save your marriage, just ignore him. See, by making you jump through hoops to get some kind of crumbs from him by way of answer to very basic questions, he's getting his ego stroked. So don't stroke it. If there is one thing a narcissist cannot stand, it's to be disregarded.
^^^this says it all.
I didn't read every post but your original post immediately put me in mind of my narcissist ex.
My advice would be to educate yourself on narcissistic personality disorders. Take a good look at your relationship and decide if you want to spend the rest of your life banging your head against the wall and having the life sucked out of you or perhaps be in a normal healthy relationship.
Op one thing I've observed about cd over the years is that some people are always pushing for separation even when they are in a far worse situation that the case they're responding to. Take our advice with a grain of salt.
Communication clearly is the key but as you have stated in your original post, you are no angel and have not told us things you do that lead to these random acts of silent treatments. Talk to your husband when he calms down and try to come up with a way to address issues that trigger these sort of behavior. You are clearly doing something that is resulting in this silly behavior.
Is it possible that he is manipulative as suggested? Sure! But remember that it is also possible that he doesn't know how to express his emotions when he feels you've done something upsetting. If the dude is a bad husband overall then You weigh your options but this is not a criminal offense. You should definitely confront him. Don't do something stupid because randoms like me are reacting to a one sided post that isn't painting the entire picture; you don't see your flaws and can't describe it as you are ....his.....Get the advice of trained professionals to help get your marriage where you want it to be.
Best
I agree with this post.
OP, are you aware of conative strategies? These are strategies that allow us to problem solve. There is one about the power of interpretations and how we have to sometimes change our interpretations in order to change directions.
If I was in your shoes, I would definitely be hurt by my husband's behavior but I would also take my knowledge of interacting with others to have a different outcome, because ultimately, that is what you want. Forget about trying to save the marriage, which involves the cooperation of husband and wife, and strive for a different more positive outcome which will mostly benefit you.
If my husband got upset because I asked him for help, I wouldn't interpret this as me being a bad wife or him not being happy with me. I would interpret this as he wanting me to be more independent FROM him.
My husband has never ignored me but he has refused to be helpful. So instead of feeling bad about myself, I just learned to do things without him. One time, I was putting up the Christmas lights and my husband asked why I didn't ask him for help. Lately, he has been asking if he can help with dinner, mostly because I stopped providing a variety of food since it was too much for me to handle alone.
Anyway, I am furthest from your problem and, therefore, I have the easiest solutions. I wish you luck and I am sorry to hear about your relationship with your husband.
You sound like the type who thinks they are right no matter what and anyone's opinion/viewpoint/argument is wrong then you're just a self absorbed arrogant douchebag. Communication isn't hard.
Divorce, wars, fistfights, communication is indeed hard, that’s why so many people make a living teaching people how to communicate, notwithstanding the number of professionals whose job is to basically communicate. The reason some people quit talking is because some people stop listening to them. There is an old rule in counseling, you might not be able to change a person’s behavior, but you can change your response to that behavior.
Lol. Really? I'm not the guy who gave his wife the silent treatment and made her leave for a week. It sounds like you're seeing yourself in what I posted. You're not the OPs husband are you?
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