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Old 11-28-2014, 07:53 AM
 
Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
4,640 posts, read 11,870,624 times
Reputation: 9885

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My husband has a history of giving me the silent treatment. The last time was in July and lasted 4 days. During the silent treatment phase, he won't talk to me, won't tell me what's wrong, withholds affection & sex, just completely ignores me. Unless, of course, we happen to be around other people and then he talks around me. You'd have to be really perceptive to realize he's ignoring me. He's actually really good at it. Typically, the silent treatment starts because I ask him for something, he gets mad and just shuts me out. Eventually, (anywhere from days to weeks), he'll decide I'm forgiven, I guess, and then treat me like nothing has happened.

During these periods of the silent treatment, I am a mess. I'm anxious, can't sleep, can't eat, I worry that he's having an affair or is going to leave me. I've tried to ignore it, while letting him know that I'm willing to listen and talk. It is just agonizing and at this point, I'm starting to get worried about me. The last time he did this, I told him exactly how it made me feel, promised I'd never do it to him (because it is so painful) and asked that he never risk losing me or our marriage by doing this ever again. He seemed to agree. I thought he got it. Apparently not.

I'd like to add that I'm not perfect. But I am willing to work with him, make concessions, try to change my behavior, etc. The problem is that the silent treatment doesn't offer me the chance to do any of this because I'm never sure, exactly, what I've done to deserve it. I've told him this repeatedly.

Anyway, yesterday he got mad at me, refused Thanksgiving dinner, and apparently I'm getting the silent treatment again.

I am not looking forward to being ignored tonight. I would really, really like to go to a local hotel with a spa and pool for tonight. I really want to go to a crazy happy movie and then just spend the night and escape my life for 24 hours.

The thing that is stopping me is that I want to make sure he doesn't think I'm abandoning the marriage or leaving him. I would be really hurt if he spent the night in a hotel. I would seriously be freaking out. I don't want to do that to him.

I also don't want to force his hand. If he's planning to leave me, I need a few months (ideally 6) to get things in order.

Does anyone have any advice?

Last edited by bande1102; 11-28-2014 at 08:01 AM..
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Old 11-28-2014, 08:06 AM
 
Location: Lansing, MI
2,948 posts, read 6,994,889 times
Reputation: 3271
Out of the FOG - The Silent Treatment


Do what you need to do to take care of yourself.
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Old 11-28-2014, 08:15 AM
 
Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
4,640 posts, read 11,870,624 times
Reputation: 9885
Thanks, dragonfly. That link is very helpful. And eye-opening.
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Old 11-28-2014, 08:19 AM
Status: "108 N/A" (set 11 days ago)
 
12,881 posts, read 13,548,684 times
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For guys who do that its like being stuck in neutral, and you can't get back in gear emotionally speaking. I will admit to being guilty of it . I think leaving the scene would not do much for some. It may not be that he is not talking to you rather than he is not talking period and whether you are there or not makes no difference.

My advice is keep communicating with him with the kind of communication that does not require a response if he doesn't what to give you one. Like " the Bumsteads bought a new car." Sometimes these periods are broken with an event where he or you have to switch into caring mode , like when there is an injury or someone gets the flu or a headache.
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Old 11-28-2014, 08:27 AM
 
Location: On the corner of Grey Street
6,126 posts, read 10,069,938 times
Reputation: 11796
I don't care what you've done - no one deserves to be punished by their spouse with days of silent treatment. If he has an issue with you, then he needs to address it. I understand a few hours of him getting his thoughts together or whatever, but days and days? That's so juvenile. This almost seems like a form of abuse. Your relationship sounds unhealthy. Although I guess I can't blame you for thinking he'll leave you given this behavior, but seriously maybe he should be the one worried you'll leave him. It might do him some good to see this works both ways - I would totally check into a hotel, turn my phone off, and enjoy myself. Let him not hear from you for awhile and see how he enjoys it.
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Old 11-28-2014, 08:31 AM
 
1,503 posts, read 1,800,788 times
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Silent treatment is among the worse form of abuse. You have to decide how much you are willing to tolerate.
You have discussed how you feel when he does the silent treatment act. He can see what he is doing to you and yet he continues to punish you by doing what he knows hurts you most.
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Old 11-28-2014, 08:35 AM
Status: "108 N/A" (set 11 days ago)
 
12,881 posts, read 13,548,684 times
Reputation: 9546
Once I gave my spouse the silent treatment, she packed her self a bag, called her friend to drive her 2 hours to an airport, left the state for a week to visit a relative and never called until I had to go to the airport to pick her up . In that scenario I felt I won

It like women cry when they are happy , they cry when they are sad , they cry when they are mad, they cry when they are afraid. Sometimes a guy tries to " cheer " them up and it doesn't work because he is not in tune to what emotion is triggering the crying. IMO it's the same with the silence. Before you decide to do anything know what emotion is behind the silence so you can respomd appropriately.

Last edited by thriftylefty; 11-28-2014 at 08:58 AM..
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Old 11-28-2014, 08:52 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
3,275 posts, read 2,978,908 times
Reputation: 12528
It sounds as though he knows what buttons to push and he is a great manipulator. This is not healthy, and IMO counseling would be a good idea, for you on your own if he won't do it.

The only thing I can add is that, if you do decide that you want to leave when he gives you the silent treatment, you might want to tell him this during some neutral moment in advance. That way, you have made it clear that you are not abandoning him or the marriage, but also that you have an obligation and the right to take care of yourself.

My husband is bipolar and occasionally during a manic episode he will yell at me and blame me for things that aren't my fault. I told him that I will not abandon him or our marriage, but if I feel he is not being rational, I will walk out of the room and give us both time and space to clear our heads. I have done this several times, and it has worked for me, whereas previously, I didn't want to leave during one of these episodes precisely because of the same concerns you express.
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Old 11-28-2014, 09:09 AM
 
Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
4,640 posts, read 11,870,624 times
Reputation: 9885
Quote:
Originally Posted by irootoo View Post
It sounds as though he knows what buttons to push and he is a great manipulator. This is not healthy, and IMO counseling would be a good idea, for you on your own if he won't do it.

The only thing I can add is that, if you do decide that you want to leave when he gives you the silent treatment, you might want to tell him this during some neutral moment in advance. That way, you have made it clear that you are not abandoning him or the marriage, but also that you have an obligation and the right to take care of yourself.

My husband is bipolar and occasionally during a manic episode he will yell at me and blame me for things that aren't my fault. I told him that I will not abandon him or our marriage, but if I feel he is not being rational, I will walk out of the room and give us both time and space to clear our heads. I have done this several times, and it has worked for me, whereas previously, I didn't want to leave during one of these episodes precisely because of the same concerns you express.
Thank you for your insight, irootoo. It helps. Yeah, I'm going to get some counseling for myself. I know this isn't healthy. I also know that it will absolutely destroy our marriage. He must know this, too. Sad because it didn't have to be this way.
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Old 11-28-2014, 09:15 AM
 
Location: Sodo Sopa at The Villas above Kenny' s House.
2,492 posts, read 3,014,898 times
Reputation: 3910
Easier to endure silent treatment rather then verbal abuse in the short run. If you feel you need to get away write a note and do it. If you are worried that your action will cause him to leave I think you have bigger issues. My SO is somewhat bipolar and has anger issues. Its so frusterating and I often wonder why I stay.
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