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I have the same problem. I think it is men of that age. They start to get increasingly desperate for companionship and caregiving after 40. My poor dear ex was single for about 20 minutes after we separated. He had bought a house and moved her in before it even occurred to him to file for divorce! Dummy. I could have taken the whole shebang from him in the property settlement. And by all accounts she is a leech and a dud but he hangs on.
It would be funny if it wasn't so disturbingly sad.
Not all men are like this I assure you. I've never been married, and at this point I really have no desire at all to get married. I have several friends that feel the same. There are men out there that are very independent and are looking for companionship but want their space. These type of men probably had mommy do everything for them until they left the nest and have no clue to how to do basic things. The funny thing is in my dating experience a lot of the women my age are looking to get married again. Sorry, not interested.
While this may be true, why would does she really feel this way. Has she been in a bad relationship, where she gave it her all, opened up, let herself go, only to be betrayed, hurt, lied to and abandoned? If so, maybe she does it as a defense to prevent herself from getting too close, because when she allowed herself to do it, she got burned before. However, you can't even get to that point, if the people you date, show unnerving signs of being a smotherer/needy/clingy partner. Nothing is less appealing to me than someone who always calls, always is there, and has no independence.
Well, my ex-husband left me. But I don't really feel betrayed or abandoned. He ended up being gay--that's why he divorced me. And while he lied to me, he also lied to himself for years. I don't think he intended to marry me and leave, but he did. I am on good terms with him. I am not defensive about getting into a relationship. I tend to not cling to hurt, pain, anger, etc--I am resilient and always seem to bounce back and heal. So I have no problems putting my heart on the line.
But you are right the signs of clingy behavior do put out a red flag for me. Like the man I broke things off with because he got upset that I didn't return his calls and texts in less than an hour (because I was working out/swimming laps)... part of my reasoning for ending it was, "if he's this way now, when we've only been dating for 3 weeks, how much more clingy will be be in 3 months... or 3 years!"
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Originally Posted by david0966
Not all men are like this I assure you. I've never been married, and at this point I really have no desire at all to get married. I have several friends that feel the same. There are men out there that are very independent and are looking for companionship but want their space. These type of men probably had mommy do everything for them until they left the nest and have no clue to how to do basic things. The funny thing is in my dating experience a lot of the women my age are looking to get married again. Sorry, not interested.
This is what I was eluding to when I said the one thing the four men had in common (other than me) was that I met them though singles match ups... I was wondering if the "must be in a relationship" type was more prone to using those channels. While the long distance man didn't work out, I met him socially--not though some sort of match up type of thing--and he wasn't clingy at all.
It could also be divorce. I really don't know how recently any of them were divorced. I know a lot of people (both men and women) can't stand being single after a divorce. You see so many of them rush back to the altar. I don't get it.
I feel that it's ideal when a man pursues you ardently. I'd much rather date men who are eager to spend time with me than men who are lukewarm about me, wouldn't you?
When a man is pursuing you with a "full court press" you have the power to slow down the pace of the relationship to what you are comfortable with. It's easy to slow a man down but not so easy to speed things up, when a man is dragging his feet. So count your blessings, you situation is ideal, IMO.
Let men be the gas pedal and you be the brake. If a man is calling too often, don't answer every call. Don't accept every date. Leave them hungry and wanting more of you. Let them miss you. Allow things to build slowly, I certainly wouldn't break up with a man just because he was eager. Eager is good, IMO.
Do you really want a man who can take you or leave you? A man who doesn't yearn to hear the sound of your voice?
This is what I was eluding to when I said the one thing the four men had in common (other than me) was that I met them though singles match ups... I was wondering if the "must be in a relationship" type was more prone to using those channels. While the long distance man didn't work out, I met him socially--not though some sort of match up type of thing--and he wasn't clingy at all.
It could also be divorce. I really don't know how recently any of them were divorced. I know a lot of people (both men and women) can't stand being single after a divorce. You see so many of them rush back to the altar. I don't get it.
That could be part of the problem. I have never done any of those singles match-ups. I have always met people just out doing things either seeing live music, or hiking or while visiting an art gallery or museum. I recently did OLD, and it's worked out pretty well. The woman I have been seeing for about a month now stated early that she really wasn't looking to get married again, which was great as far as I was concerned. I have heard divorced men often look to get married again pretty quickly, maybe look for ones that haven't been married?
Not all men are like this I assure you. I've never been married, and at this point I really have no desire at all to get married. I have several friends that feel the same. There are men out there that are very independent and are looking for companionship but want their space. These type of men probably had mommy do everything for them until they left the nest and have no clue to how to do basic things. The funny thing is in my dating experience a lot of the women my age are looking to get married again. Sorry, not interested.
Actually, I see the desperation only among men who have been married before--which is most men over 40.
That's the scariest thing I've heard since Halloween.
I've been divorced for almost three weeks now and being married is the LAST thing on my mind.
Well, that's my experience in real life too. Most of my unmarried friends have no intention of ever marrying. I was just going by what I see on this forum (which is probably a big mistake), that recently divorced men have this overwhelming need to remarry right away because they are so helpless that they need to be taken care of.
Last edited by david0966; 12-04-2014 at 08:16 PM..
I skimmed through a number of the posts after reading the first page or two. Here's what I think: you're fairly normal in your expectations because you haven't met someone you're really excited about. And if the feeling and sense of mutual understanding was more or less equal, then you and your ideal partner would get along fine.
Dating strangers is really very strange, isn't it? It's not like you have the luxury of meeting someone without the concept of "dating" all wrapped around your relationship. Everybody starts off with expectations and rules before you ever find out who the person is.
What do you want? A stable, long term relationship? Heck, I'd rule out dating immediately unless you meet someone who likes you. You start dating AFTER you start liking someone, not before.
You have to just live your life and get out and socialize more. Ideally, forget finding someone. Just appreciate your freedom. Maybe get a pet. Dating, meh.
I've had a recent string of luck with meeting guys (I swear the older I get, the easier it gets) anyway, over and over I find that I feel smothered by them/the attention. At first, I thought it was a string of bad luck, maybe I just keep meeting "needy" men, but you know what they say, there *is* one common denominator in all this, me.
I am starting to think I am unusual in the amount of "space" I need in a relationship (especially early on). So I wanted to hear from others.
I've asked friends and some of my family about it and they agree that the men I am meeting are out of line. Then again, sometimes people you know well just agree with you to make you feel better if you know what I mean.
The relationships I was happiest in recently was long distance. I dated an old friend last last year until summer this year. I would have liked him to communicate more... I'd only hear from him ever couple of weeks... but overall I was happy and didn't mind the distance. But he ended it because he said he couldn't handle the distance. We are just friends again and I still see him and we enjoy each other's company. There was no falling out over the breakup... no one did anything or hurt anyone. He just said he couldn't do it (but I could--which is where I wonder if I am usual).
Now the men I've dated since the above ended. These men all seem to have one thing in common... they call, text, talk too much for my comfort level. One guy was calling and texting me several times a day and wanting to go out on dates 2-3 times a week (big dates, not just lunch or something). I felt smothered and ended it. Next guy wanted to know if I would marry him on the first date... that was short lived (smothered for a different reason). Next man tried to plan an 8-10 hour "first date" with me... again, I felt overwhelmed. The latest man I met is calling me every day (he called one day for over two hours... and he calls late at night too). He also sends messages every day... we haven't even been on a date yet! Again, feeling smothered.
So, independent opinions... is it me? Or am I just meeting the wrong men? Is it both? What if anything can I do to stop this pattern? Maybe it's just the needy men who hit on me (maybe they hit on everyone)... maybe I need to just say "no" to men more often.
Honestly, it's so frustrating. I am finding at this point that I am starting to dread the idea of meeting anyone because I find it stressful/overwhelming the way the men I meet seem to lay it on thick from the get-go. Today at the gym I was thinking how I am perfectly happy by myself. I am not lonely at all with all my friends and family... I miss being in relationship where I love and am loved back romantically, but if it takes away from my happiness and leaves me feeling "smothered" is it really worth it to keep trying?
You meeting these guys online? If so, could explain the neediness. OLD is often a last resort for folks, so by the time they go that route, they've lost patience, and many of them want to settle down.
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