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Actually, the therapists haven't really helped me - I've been healing myself on my own.
I've been to my own therapist twice since this all began, and in those two sessions, the first one was just a mind dump/info gathering, and the second one the therapist was behind where I was already at mentally.
The marriage counseling session was great, but again, it was the first session and was the mind dump/info gathering. I mean it felt good to get it off the chest alone and with my wife, but no healing by the therapists has been done yet, at least not directly. I suppose the cleansing of airing it out to a 3rd party was therapy, but the mental state I am at today has been pretty much my over/deep thinking at work. I am pretty confident though that the 2nd marriage counseling session will definitely be helpful based on my initial feeling from the 1st session.
To be frank, it sounds like all you've done is realize and admit your own culpability, your own role in the fiasco that is your marriage right now. That IS a big step, which is why I said "progress." A lot of people don't make it that far.
But to say you've been "healing yourself on your own"??? Just be aware that there are "honeymoon" phases where you feel like you're moving a lot faster and "getting better" than you really are. That's why I mentioned the "two steps forward, one step back" cyclical nature of this process. It's is helpful to know that is normal so you don't feel such despair when it happens.
Yes, it takes two to make a marriage and one to screw it up. Since both of you have fault, it will take longer and more work. It's not like it's problems the level of which you two have are gonna be resolved in 5 sessions.
But you've started!!
Last edited by BirdieBelle; 12-20-2014 at 07:17 PM..
Reason: typo
To be frank, it sounds like all you've done is realize and admit your own culpability, your own role in the fiasco that is your marriage right now. That IS a big step, which is why I said "progress." A lot of people don't make it that far.
But to say you've been "healing yourself on your own"??? Just be aware that there are "honeymoon" phases where you feel like you're moving a lot faster and "getting better" than you really are. That's why I mentioned the "two steps forward, one step back" cyclical nature of this process. It's is helpful to know that is normal so you don't feel such despair when it happens.
Yes, it takes two to make a marriage and one to screw it up. Since both of you have fault, it will take longer and more work. It's not like it's problems the level of which you two have are gonna be resolved in 5 sessions.
But you've started!!
I really appreciate your words.
I truly hear you with regards to the "honeymoon", really I do. I understand I am still on a roller coaster. But all I can say is believe me when I say that the way I have cycled through this (focusing on me and then my outreach to the relationship) probably much faster than most people can imagine. I am in a good place, and as I previously stated, a re-birth of sorts. I dug out something deep inside and tossed it away.
Last night I had a talk with my son (we went to a concert together) - he's 31 with 2 children. I apologized for that part of me that pushed him away all of his life, the same I have done to my wife & daughter. I told him I didn't feel I was a bad person, but that one aspect of me was deep and hurtful. I told him I could not take back the past, and can only hope I'm not too late. He said he always loved me and thought I was a great Dad. We both teared up because it was (cliche coming) a side of me he's never seen before. And I told him it's up to him to trust what I say about me realizing this "thing" that I have cleansed from my body that has been with me for my entire 54 years on earth. All I can do is be me going forward, and let the chips fall where they may.
I'm going to have the same conversation with my daughter next time I see her on leave.
Actually, the therapists haven't really helped me - I've been healing myself on my own.
You seem unusually relunctant to give credit to others. is there a reason why you are hesitant to allow the counselor and therapist their share of the credit in helping you along?
You seem unusually relunctant to give credit to others. is there a reason why you are hesitant to allow the counselor and therapist their share of the credit in helping you along?
The individual therapist I had 6 months ago was a great help. This new one I have for myself not so much.
The marriage counselor is awesome at first blush, but since it was intake of information only, I can't yet vouch if she'll help (although I'm pretty sure she will).
My comment is based just on timing. I am not reluctant at all to give credit to others, but at this juncture I know I have self healed to this point. Have a long road ahead, so I am hoping the marriage counselor will help as expected, and I'm going back to my original individual therapist.
Hi. I might as well make my first post the reason I joined this forum. 33 years married, and from my vantage point my wife has broken my trust. My problem is deeper than love - I love her, but is that enough for repair?
We have been going through a rough spell for a few years now. We both have our own personal stresses to deal with - work, etc.
My wife has a gastrointestinal issue which keeps her in constant pain which makes daily life difficult for her. She is quitting her job because of it, and I agree she needs to. She needs people in her life, emotional connections. We are opposites in that regard. I am truly an anti-social introvert who requires no people, no emotional connection to survive. I can be happy in a white padded cell. Of course that's a problem because I can become disconnected and distant, and with a wife who needs connection I may not be fulfilling those needs for her. We found each other 35 years ago, and I "need" her. Yet, from a different dimension I don't need anyone (not sure if that makes sense). We have two grown up kids so that isn't a household issue.
I've been suspecting something for a while. I am partially ashamed that doubt is in my mind, but a month ago I stumbled on graphic sexting. Talks of sex and meeting up, and with more than one person. Yet, once I confronted her, she admitted to "stumbling" on a site through Facebook and it became addictive. It probably fulfilled a gap in our troubled relationship. She has told me time and time again no physical meeting or contact ever took place. Yet, with also known email and phone usage, and knowledge these people are local - I still have my doubts because of what I read appears to say otherwise. And a month after this first find, the CPA in me became a PI and I dug up a few other things, and then a few days ago she again forgot to delete a sext thread and have now caught her twice. That's sort of irrelevant as I know it's gone on since early this year. I've never found totally nude pictures (again, tracks could have been covered), and have no proof she ever met up or slept with anyone - it's only on her word on these items. The worse picture I found she sent was of the tattoo on her butt - a side shot with he pants down to show the tattoo. But the words in the sexts are as graphic as can be.
From a relationship standpoint I have nothing to hide from my wife. No infidelity of any kind. My vice in our marriage is economic, as I spend more than we make, and we've suffered because of it.
We've discussed therapy but haven't gone yet. She is more opposed to therapy, where I feel it could be good even with my own doubts. Our daughter went though therapy years ago, and we've first hand seen more quacks than normal counselors, so I know why my wife doesn't believe in them.
I just don't know if I can feel that trust can be repaired. I consider this whole thing cheating yet she does not. I feel I've been lied to and betrayed. Is that any worse than me emotionally making her feel distant and empty? I don't want to sneak around and see if she continues to act this way. I don't want to think she's lying about never having physical contact, but at this time I cannot disconnect what I've seen from that possibility. My fear is if in my mind I can't work it out, I would be walking away from something important. I love her, but in this case love isn't the deepest thing being dealt with.
Sorry for the long first post, but just typing this out is therapeutic. I hurt and am lost.
Well, it definitely is a big trust issue and once that has happened, the hurt and resentment build.
Sounds like some void was missing that is being filled by the extra curricular activities she is involved in.
Personally, I gave up FB completely.
Share an account. That way nothing out of the ordinary can happen.
The cell texting is another issue and that is a tough one to deal with.
I am currently facing a separation myself.
In our case, I was the violator and my wife found out and it fractured things deeply.
Once the trust is gone, it is really hard to build back up.
Married 31 years and getting ready to split.
It never is easy.
I hope things work out for you.
You both have issues that need to be addressed, it seems, and sometimes a professional can help.
At any rate, her casual dalliance has turned into a full time addiction.
That "void" is getting filled and then emptied, filled and then emptied....cycle repeats.
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Trust Issues
