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Let me ask you a question. With things broken as they are for whatever the deep rooted issues within each of us that exists, if therapy is not taken to heart by her and only by me, do I take that route anyways and hope at some point she truly believes it can help, or is one-sided therapy just another stop-gap temporary solution with no way to arrive at a long standing solution?
You need the therapy for you, regardless. Like LM said, it took decades to get to this place, and you both are accountable. You will need to break that down so you can move forward toward a healthy life regardless of what your wife does.
IMHO, the only thing you can "decide" tonight is whether to try it together. If she does not agree to right away, she may come around. But I would not necessarily stay in the house if she does not agree to therapy together.
Let me ask you a question. With things broken as they are for whatever the deep rooted issues within each of us that exists, if therapy is not taken to heart by her and only by me, do I take that route anyways and hope at some point she truly believes it can help, or is one-sided therapy just another stop-gap temporary solution with no way to arrive at a long standing solution?
Stop trying to put the cart before the horse.
You simply can't know the answers to these questions until you start the process of getting to the bottom of your issues.
Like Wmsn4life said, whether you do this as a couple as an individual it still needs to be done!
You simply can't know the answers to these questions until you start the process of getting to the bottom of your issues.
Like Wmsn4life said, whether you do this as a couple as an individual it still needs to be done!
I understand that I must seek counseling for me and the relationship. It's more in the how, like if she agrees counseling is needed for her and the relationship which makes us agreeable can it be done without at minimal a trial separation? Can we exist under the same roof at this time without doing more harm than good?
Every time I put the horse in front of the cart I find that cart magically in front of me again. It really does suck to be me sometimes.
I understand that I must seek counseling for me and the relationship. It's more in the how, like if she agrees counseling is needed for her and the relationship which makes us agreeable can it be done without at minimal a trial separation? Can we exist under the same roof at this time without doing more harm than good?
Every time I put the horse in front of the cart I find that cart magically in front of me again. It really does suck to be me sometimes.
If you are both agreeable to counseling then yes you can certainly stay under the same roof while you are seeking it.
If one partner will not work on a relationship in counseling then separation is the best thing.
OK, time to review. Problematic statements in bold:
Quote:
Originally Posted by metalmancpa
We have been going through a rough spell for a few years now. We both have our own personal stresses to deal with - work, etc.
My wife has a gastrointestinal issue which keeps her in constant pain which makes daily life difficult for her. She is quitting her job because of it, and I agree she needs to.
She needs people in her life, emotional connections. We are opposites in that regard. I am truly an anti-social introvert who requires no people, no emotional connection to survive. I can be happy in a white padded cell.
Of course that's a problem because I can become disconnected and distant, and with a wife who needs connection I may not be fulfilling those needs for her.
I stumbled on graphic sexting. Talks of sex and meeting up, and with more than one person.
It probably fulfilled a gap in our troubled relationship.
My vice in our marriage is economic, as I spend more than we make, and we've suffered because of it.
I consider this whole thing cheating yet she does not.
.
Quote:
Originally Posted by metalmancpa
I now know I refuse to live the rest of my life in a lie, so if I don't feel the future holds true repair then I will not trap myself.
But I've witnessed first hand her pain. And it may have something to do with what ultimately drove her to what I've uncovered. Her coming home from work in pain, curling up in bed - we were separate.
Maybe my helplessness in knowing what to do left her alone, and because of her illness I allowed us to drift apart more than it should have.
Quote:
Originally Posted by metalmancpa
In this case I didn't tip her off, I stumbled on evidence. And I found it again a month later.
Quote:
Originally Posted by metalmancpa
All will depend if we can mutually and wholeheartedly agree on a course of action. This may not be possible. It is not a perfect process, and there will be times when you take 1 step forward and 3 steps back.
I don't want to try it own our own as a believe my wife is more comfortable with because I don't have the strength to fight this on my own. I don't want to go to counseling if she feels she is doing it to support me. We stand on different sides of that equation, and one has to budge - and it won't be me, because I firmly believe a reconciliation can not work without outside intervention.
OP, imagine what it must be like to be married to someone who would say this:
"I am truly an anti-social introvert who requires no people, no emotional connection to survive."
To me, the ONLY thing working in your favor as you think about resolving this is that you have 33 years of history that you have invested in. That and the fact that you say you love each other, although it is apparent that that has not really been demonstrated effectively over the past couple decades and "love" has devolved into "duty."
It seems you have lost the intimacy that a couple of your standing should have, and that you no longer put each other first. Stop worrying about keeping score or who will be the first to flinch. The ONLY thing to consider tonight is whether you both think your marriage is worth fixing. It probably can be fixed, but how is not important now.
OK, time to review. Problematic statements in bold:
OP, imagine what it must be like to be married to someone who would say this:
"I am truly an anti-social introvert who requires no people, no emotional connection to survive."
To me, the ONLY thing working in your favor as you think about resolving this is that you have 33 years of history that you have invested in. That and the fact that you say you love each other, although it is apparent that that has not really been demonstrated effectively over the past couple decades and "love" has devolved into "duty."
It seems you have lost the intimacy that a couple of your standing should have, and that you no longer put each other first. Stop worrying about keeping score or who will be the first to flinch. The ONLY thing to consider tonight is whether you both think your marriage is worth fixing. It probably can be fixed, but how is not important now.
Only that you both would want to.
I know I have put my foot in my mouth with that quote above, but that damage was done a long time ago.
I do not like the word love because it compartmentalizes a relationship. I already told her I felt we had something deeper than love. And to my fault my over thinking of this situation isn't helping. I wish my mouth wouldn't always say what's in the mush I call a brain.
Thank you for a simple answer to my myriad of twisted and over complication questions.
We spoke today. She wants to do anything to save the marriage, as do I. We are going to find a counselor now, and move forward.
I will keep the following issues to myself until we meet with a counselor:
I have to deal personally with what I deem being cheated on and the doubts I still have. I have to bottle the hurt and anger so as not to make things worse. I need to be patient and see what more gets exposed in counselling before I let my emotions run rampant.
I don't feel intimate towards her at this time (and I'm not an emotional touchy person in general), but that's due to me being cheated on, regardless if it was never physical (which at this time I just have to believe). I know that's not good if she is craving an emotional connection, but she's going to have to be a bit patient with me.
I'm not ever going to forget how I was hurt, but for the sake of a long standing meaningful relationship and marriage, I need to learn to live with it since I deem the relationship larger than it.
We spoke today. She wants to do anything to save the marriage, as do I. We are going to find a counselor now, and move forward.
I will keep the following issues to myself until we meet with a counselor:
I have to deal personally with what I deem being cheated on and the doubts I still have. I have to bottle the hurt and anger so as not to make things worse. I need to be patient and see what more gets exposed in counselling before I let my emotions run rampant.
I don't feel intimate towards her at this time (and I'm not an emotional touchy person in general), but that's due to me being cheated on, regardless if it was never physical (which at this time I just have to believe). I know that's not good if she is craving an emotional connection, but she's going to have to be a bit patient with me.
I'm not ever going to forget how I was hurt, but for the sake of a long standing meaningful relationship and marriage, I need to learn to live with it since I deem the relationship larger than it.
Glad you two are in agreement now about the marriage counseling.
Just think about this a minute...not to diminish your hurt, but worse things than sexting have been forgiven and gotten over my friend.
You will continue to be miserable and angry for as long as you decide to be. This is a choice you are making.
I'm not ever going to forget how I was hurt, but for the sake of a long standing meaningful relationship and marriage, I need to learn to live with it since I deem the relationship larger than it.
You really don't need to make any kind of pronouncements right now. Just get into counseling and take it a day at a time. You two have a LOT to sort through.
I am really unclear on something, though. What does she think you know, exactly?? What have you told her about?
If you feel her sexting is cheating, then it is.
That's all that matters.
Not if she says it is not cheating.
I'm sorry you are in a tough spot.
Get yourself some therapy.
Not couple therapy.
Being cheated on messes with our self esteem and such. And then we doubt ourselves.
If your marriage is stresses or bad, it does not justify cheating.
You take care of YOURSELF first.
Then the rest will fall into place.
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