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One of the 2 groups calls itself a "social and networking" group but for all intensive purposes its a singles group. I have been in 2 singles groups some years ago and I would go in with the attitude of worrying about making friends and being the "nice guy" all the while over time the others were pairing off.
My experience has been that after a certain amount of the original members pair off singles groups tend to fall apart(both groups I joined are very new).Another thing about singles groups is that if you attend for so long and don't date anyone after awhile its like your damaged goods and you end of hoping for new members who don't know you to join. Its like being the kid in gym class that no one wants on their team.
What I am saying is that singles groups tend to have an expiration date and they only last so long and it seems to me you need to worry more about dating than the "making friends" part. For the most part I believe that no matter what the other members say such as "here to meet new people", "not dating now but trying to make new friends" in reality they are looking to pair off as much as anyone else and once they do they start to pair off they tend to drop out. I am all for making friends but in the past I focused so much on that I didn't work as much on the dating part as much as I should have and when the groups came to an end after most had paired off I was left with little to show for it(a few tepid dates that went nowhere with women that had me firmly in the "friendzone".)
I don't want to join these groups and just bulldoze my way through them to get a date and to hell with everyone else but I don't want to be the "milquetoast " guy just trying to be nice, not upsetting anyone but also not dating anyone as others have fun. That's the way it has usually worked out for me.
So what do you think the proper balance is here between making friends and looking for a date?How do I avoid ending up in the same situation this time?
Last edited by senecaman; 12-13-2014 at 04:05 PM..
If you want to make friends, go to the gym. You need to go into these groups with the attitude you are going to hook up, friend zone is for the weak. Don't **** around with trying to "get to know her" you can do that afterwards.
Why would they have an expiration date? If they're not able to attract new members on a regular basis, it's not a very good group. And pairing off can be a long process. There would be the inevitable mismatches, with people re-joining the group, and trying again with someone else, there would be the usual false starts with a breakup early on, and someone returning to the group. Unless people just don't bother to return to the group and try again, your description of a group with a time limit doesn't make sense.
If you want to make friends, go to the gym. You need to go into these groups with the attitude you are going to hook up, friend zone is for the weak. Don't **** around with trying to "get to know her" you can do that afterwards.
I won't go quite this far, but you need to stop being THE NICE GUY. I like to get to know a bit about the woman I am interested in a bit, try and memorize the friend zone clues so if you get zoned you can bail or push back and see if you go back to eligible. It's like another smart guy said in another thread women love to test guys when they first meet them.
IMO the ones who adamantly say they don't play games are the biggest players. Keep that in mind as you go through life. It's kinda like the guy who has to proclaim his Christianity to everyone he meets.
Why would they have an expiration date? If they're not able to attract new members on a regular basis, it's not a very good group. And pairing off can be a long process. There would be the inevitable mismatches, with people re-joining the group, and trying again with someone else, there would be the usual false starts with a breakup early on, and someone returning to the group. Unless people just don't bother to return to the group and try again, your description of a group with a time limit doesn't make sense.
A debatable point but whether the group last 6 months or 6 years I don't want this time to end up like the others, me being the "nice safe boring guy". I have not had much luck with single groups in the past.I think I tended to be way too passive and I didn't straight up ask a woman out (or at least I didn't do it enough).I tended to hang back,try to get to know them,letting weeks and even months go by before I made a move.I had a few dates but like I said I was pretty much "friendzoned".
I just feel too old to be so passive with women.It seems to me after a certain age (past 40) that men and women can be pretty direct with one another or you would hope so.The thing is its not clear to me if they can handle directness(maybe they can , maybe they cant-I am just not sure either way).By being dierect I mean having a conversation with a woman and if I feel some interest after a short time then going ahead and asking her if we could get together and if I could have her number and not waiting days, weeks or months to ask(if its 15 or 20 mins so be it).
Last edited by senecaman; 12-13-2014 at 05:01 PM..
I won't go quite this far, but you need to stop being THE NICE GUY. I like to get to know a bit about the woman I am interested in a bit, try and memorize the friend zone clues so if you get zoned you can bail or push back and see if you go back to eligible. It's like another smart guy said in another thread women love to test guys when they first meet them.
IMO the ones who adamantly say they don't play games are the biggest players. Keep that in mind as you go through life. It's kinda like the guy who has to proclaim his Christianity to everyone he meets.
I have been way to passive in the past.I think I need to find the balance between being the nice guy and being more aggressive.I want to be more assertive and direct. I would love to flirt more and be a more sensual man , and not be so afraid to compliment women.Thats something I rarely if ever do-compliment women.At times I have wanted to compliment a woman and then at the last minute I would chicken out out of fear of looking like creep, and the last thing you want a woman to think of you is that you're a creep or creepy.
Too often I have boxed myself in out of fear into being too "asexual"or just too nice. I have had some relationships and have been in love .Its not a matter of never having had anyone but too often I have come out on the short end of the stick.
Last edited by senecaman; 12-13-2014 at 05:54 PM..
Careful on the compliments it comes off as weak and needy. One is ok.
I am actually planning on joining a singles meetup after my divorce so your thread caught my attention.
I think if you could make a transition from intro to coffee, non threatening, and then when you are with her 1-1 you can start to flirt more and see if you receive in kind.
For me, this will be easier because it's asking someone for coffee in a singles group everyone knows, but it will be less pressure on you, which is what you want right?
Then you have a chance to get more assertive, flirt, and see where it goes without the group dynamic.
Careful on the compliments it comes off as weak and needy. One is ok.
I am actually planning on joining a singles meetup after my divorce so your thread caught my attention.
I think if you could make a transition from intro to coffee, non threatening, and then when you are with her 1-1 you can start to flirt more and see if you receive in kind.
For me, this will be easier because it's asking someone for coffee in a singles group everyone knows, but it will be less pressure on you, which is what you want right?
Then you have a chance to get more assertive, flirt, and see where it goes without the group dynamic.
Sounds good! Thank you.
Last edited by senecaman; 12-13-2014 at 06:12 PM..
A debatable point but whether the group last 6 months or 6 years I don't want this time to end up like the others, me being the "nice safe boring guy". I have not had much luck with single groups in the past.I think I tended to be way too passive and I didn't straight up ask a woman out (or at least I didn't do it enough).I tended to hang back,try to get to know them,letting weeks and even months go by before I made a move.I had a few dates but like I said I was pretty much "friendzoned".
I just feel too old to be so passive with women.It seems to me after a certain age (past 40) that men and women can be pretty direct with one another or you would hope so.The thing is its not clear to me if they can handle directness(maybe they can , maybe they cant-I am just not sure either way).By being dierect I mean having a conversation with a woman and if I feel some interest after a short time then going ahead and asking her if we could get together and if I could have her number and not waiting days, weeks or months to ask(if its 15 or 20 mins so be it).
Hanging back to get to know people is a good idea. But procrastinating, and letting weeks turn into months, isn't. If after a couple of weeks you find that you have some common interests with a couple of the women, or you seem to hit it off with one or two, ask them to join you for coffee afterwards, or for Saturday breakfast somewhere.
If you want to make friends, go to the gym. You need to go into these groups with the attitude you are going to hook up, friend zone is for the weak. Don't **** around with trying to "get to know her" you can do that afterwards.
The strange think about the gym is I have had as hard a time just talking to the guys there as I do the women. Socializing at the gym has been such a pain in the ass for whatever reason I am pretty much like a lot of people there now.I walk in , say hello to whoever is at the desk that day , work out and then leave.Every now and then I will have a short conversation with someone but mostly after being a member for over 2 years I am about as much an unknown entity as I was the day I signed up and its not for a lack of trying.
Most there socialize just with the people they already know or they come and go without saying much.I don't really get it because in our area its one of the few places you see the same people regularly .A lot there don't seem to care who you are and they will tell you even less about themselves.One example is a woman I who I have seen off and on working out. I knew from some of the guys working at the front desk that she was working on an advanced degree at the local university and that she had won a state beauty pageant a few years ago.Well turns out that she is a budding country music talent in addition to working on a PHD.I just saw a music video she did.
I couldn't believe when I saw the video that this was the same quiet person I saw in the gym who hardly says 2 words and basically comes and goes .Having a bit of an academic background myself it would be nice to find out more about these people but at the gym most (men and women) choose to remain strangers and unless you have some sort of contact with them outside the gym they wont tell you much about themselves.So I feel pretty much forced to act the same as the others there and just come and go without saying much which is why I joined the 2 singles groups.
Last edited by senecaman; 12-14-2014 at 04:40 AM..
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