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I'm somewhat cynical about marriage, and think traditional view of marriage are seriously flawed in our modern world. I also think that even of marriages that last, at least half are not truly happy ones.
Even so, marriage does work for many people - and even works temporarily for many more. When a marriage is truly good, it is a wonderful thing. On the other hand, you don't need marriage to achieve the same results.
My first marriage was terrible, even though I stayed for a long time (stupidly optimistic that it could change for the better). This marriage closely approaches my ideal (largely because my wife is extremely compatible), yet is highly non-traditional.
First OP, I would not worry about other marriages at this point. I could tell you the details of my marriage (which is strong, growing, and good), the positives we do have, some of the rougher times and spots, etc. It won't help.
To me, it sounds like you two have disagreements on some things. You call them fundamental. Maybe they are. Like what?
Really, even in marriage, two people do not have to agree on everything. Even some big things. Now, the more you agree on the better, as these things can be difficult to work out. Or, sometimes, you have to respect the difference in opinion and move on. The degree to whether this is possible is not only based on what the disagreement is about, but how deeply important it is to any one or both individuals.
Ultimately, I think a good marriage prioritizes being individuals in a partnership! My wife and I certainly do not agree on everything, and some things are not flippant issues. We work together to support our individuality in those regards and make our marriage stronger despite our differences.
It looks like you are now at a cross roads. Split living separately, I think you now have before you the choice of trying to do extra work to bridge your differences with your wife, or otherwise probably begin seeking a divorce. If your living seperate, there is no reason to "stay together." There is no marriage at that point ultimately anyway. A child does not benefit from two parents in a toxic marriage either, and it is better for the child to cut those ties, so that the two of you can seek happiness with another significant other, while being their parent.
Of course, that does not mean all is lost either. To try and see if reconciliation is possible, to give and receive the respect you desire on your differences, etc, your likely going to have to start trying to communicate through those differences in a constructive way with a third party (ie marriage counseling).
Really it depends where you want to go with it. I am sure you married your wife for many reasons. You admit you said you thought she is the one. Turns out, she is an individual, you do not agree on everything, and things are not just happily ever after. Welcome to life, but that doesn't mean things cannot be worked on or repaired... or ended. Depending on what you really want to do.
Sorry to hear about your situation, and I hope whatever you choose to do, you can bring it to a positive resolution for the two of you.
(PS, my wife had a prior marriage to someone who was a liar, cheat, and manipulator, married her for green card purposes, almost immediately after, began cheating on her, stealing, etc... and yet even she did not lose faith in marriage. She admitted she was naive and made mistakes, learned from them, and moved on with her life. Your situation is not about what marriage is. It is about your marriage).
I am not 50+ I am still 36. Well I was married and divorced. Marriage is different to every one, every one had different type of ups downs, also night mares. I do still believe in Marriage even my first marriage failed. Have try to work it out? Living in a same place does not help just try to find out what bothers your wife,I have the feeling your wife is tired of being house wife and a mom, It is not a easy work, I think you better let her to enjoy at least a day in a week. Or just try to spend some more time with your wife.
I am not 50+ I am still 36. Well I was married and divorced. Marriage is different to every one, every one had different type of ups downs, also night mares. I do still believe in Marriage even my first marriage failed. Have try to work it out? Living in a same place does not help just try to find out what bothers your wife,I have the feeling your wife is tired of being house wife and a mom, It is not a easy work, I think you better let her to enjoy at least a day in a week. Or just try to spend some more time with your wife.
Just throwing this out there, but his wife might even find it nice to go back to work. Even if it is just a part time job. My wife loves our daughter and is a great mom, but also values the effort she has put into education and career, and finds it important to maintain that while being a mother.
We've been married 38 years and we think marriage is fine. She's happy and I'm happy. There's nothing wrong with the institution of marriage. The problem is selfish, mean, unforgiving, unloving people that don't know marriage has to mean "we". We work together for common goals. We stay faithful, even though life is very demanding right now. We cooperate and have rules and guidelines for the children. If the home is a battlefield, then it doesn't work. It also helps, a lot, to work to make things fun in the bedroom for both.
First to the OP, having a new marriage (relatively) and a new baby at the same time can be very stressful on most people and put a strain on your marriage. I encourage you and your wife to try couple's counseling. You might be able to work though this, it won't be easy (but the best things in life usually aren't easy). Give it a try because I can assure you that a counselor charges a lot less an hour than a lawyer.
As for me, I am divorced. My ex husband left me and came out of the closet as gay. So in that respect, it's not like anything in the world could have prevented my marriage from failing. He didn't love me/couldn't love me in that way. He said we were nothing but roommates and he was right.
That said, I know marriage is not something I want ever again for a few reasons, but I still think it's a good thing. A lot of couples I know who are married are very happy... most in fact. They aren't happy all the time and they have problems (life isn't sunshine and rainbows), but overall they are happy, in love, things are good for them. And surveys back this up by showing people who are married are generally happier. They have the extra security of knowing they have each others backs in times of crisis and most are raising children together as well. Plus, in old age they have all those shared experiences and continue to have them.
Why do I not want to re-marry? For me, the big advantages of marriage include raising children and having a lifelong friend and partner. I don't plan on having more children, so that just leaves a lifelong partner. Maybe I will meet this man at some point and change my mind on re-marriage, but I haven't yet. So it's hard for me to really consider marriage when I can't imagine someone to be married to. Especially when I am happy now and life is good for me as a single person and I was miserable and stressed when I was married. Other reasons (and I won't get into them in detail) include I have money that I want to protect and go to my daughter if something happens to me (I was nearly financially devastated in marriage to a spend thrift who wracked up credit card debt and squandered our nest egg) and I don't feel like being someone's indentured servant (working full time, and cleaning and cooking and doing yardwork in all my off time) again.
I guess I am saying life is good and I am very happy single. I could see myself as being even happier with a good man as my lifelong friend, partner, and lover... the right man. But I've not had much luck finding this man, so it's not something I can realistically envision whereas I don't have to envision being single and being happy... because I already am.
I have not stopped believing in marriage. And I say that will 33 years of marriage to one woman in my pocket and a marriage going through a very bumpy stretch currently.
I have stopped believing in it for me. I think it's perfect for some
people.
I just don't think I was made to be a wife. That's the
conclusion I've come to after 12 years. I was made to be a mother, I was made to
be a worker, I was made to be a writer, and a lover. But really not a
wife.
I do all the "wifely" things, and I do them well. I keep up the
house (and am a neatnik). I remember to write out the thank-you notes, and I'm
the one who sends Christmas cards. I remember all the birthdays and verbally
toast acquaintances on Facebook (both mine and my husband's), in person with
friends and relatives (both mine and my husband's), send a card to the adults,
send a card and a little cash for all the kids. When someone does something kind
for me, for my husband, or for my children, I'm the one who says thank you, and
I do it just right...the way the person wants and expects (a phone call, a lunch
treat or whatever the case may be). I schedule every appointment. I work from
home rather than have my husband shoulder the financial burden. I pay the
landscapers and took my turns mowing the lawn before we made this decision. I
"cover" for everyone, and if I can't, I make it right; if my husband is grumpy,
I give a little laugh and explain that he has had a hard work week, whether he
has or not; if my children act up, I dutifully take them to whomever they have
offended and make them apologize, and I apologize on their behalf. I find new
doctors when our old ones move on or retire. I leave out a Christmas card with
cash for the mailman each year, a card for the trash collectors, and I bake
cookies for the teachers. I take my car in for oil changes and maintenance. I
have done the overwhelming majority of the child-rearing, including years of a
grueling therapies schedule for our special-needs son. I find the best routes on
a map. I sniff out the best bargains at the store. I budget. I arrange
vacations.
I do all of it.
But I hate it.
Sometimes I
wish I could just claw at the walls to get away.
That's the simple
truth.
If my husband and I wind up divorced, which is likely, I will not
be marrying again. If I fall in love with a man who needs marriage, I will have
to let him go, to allow him to find that. If I meet a man and we fall in love
and he is fine with never marrying, that will be a wonderful gift. If I never
meet another man, the fear of that possibility is not reason enough to stay here
and be unhappy. Whatever will happen, will happen...but I will not be
married again.
People who are unmarried still keep up with housework, perform social niceties, thank others for gifts and kindnesses shown, schedule their own appointments, shoulder the financial burden of the household, handle children's behavior if children are in the picture, find new doctors when others leave or retire, do Christmas cards, acknowledge people who perform services, interact with kids' teachers, keep up with vehicle maintenance, raise kids if they have them, budget, arrange vacations, etc.
Those aren't "wifely duties," they are just average human responsibilities, whether one is married or not. I get it if you're disillusioned with taking on all the responsibilities, versus having the person you're married to willingly share the load. But really, those aren't things specifically tied to "being a wife." Some people marry people who share the load in life, some don't.
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