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I work full time. Financially it would be a strain but doable. I think counseling for myself is a great idea. Thanks all for being my sounding board.
Hang in there veuvegirl! Try small changes at first while getting scheduled for some individual counseling for yourself.
You might not be able to cook, but anyone can make a great spinach salad! Add things like boiled egg, cheese, walnuts/almonds and some roasted chicken from your nearest grocery store deli and you have a healthy dinner
In the last year I have gone away twice for a month and once for two weeks. I will be honest and tell you it is a huge adjustment coming home. One gets used to going to an empty hotel room every night where there is quiet and you can do what ever you want. No disturbances. And although I missed being home in some areas, it is a treat living alone. When I finally came home, it took about two weeks for me to readjust. So, I can understand him a bit. (It is also a treat that if you are a regular at a hotel, they treat you like a Queen/King, catering to all your needs. It can be quite the life.)
Maybe he needs to find a way to adjust when he gets home from traveling. Maybe if he had a few hours alone when he first gets home. He needs some adjustment time.
The thing counseling will show you if you go by yourself if often that can't change things. If you want things to get better you might have to pull the pin. It will help to evaluate yourself and also your husband.
If he willing to go, then you can work towards a resolution.
Love this, and have tried it. It couldn't hurt to try again.
This guy was good enough for 20 years of your life. Don't throw in the towel until you try it all. It sounds like you are aware of your faults and it sounds like his faults are bad but not unbearable.
It sounds like his temper and weight gain became an issue with his taking on this new job, and you said he says he still loves you. Are you showing him that you still love him? You admitted to a difficulty with nagging and that can wear a man down very fast. I hear that he isn't being the man of your dreams lately, but I'd suggest setting a goal for yourself, say for two or three weeks (mark it on your calendar so you know you are committed to it) and try to do everything you can to be the right person. Sure back rubs help, but being the initiator for intimacy helps more. No nagging. I know it can drive a person crazy to deal with a mess, I'm a bit of a "neat freak" myself. Just clean up the messes as you find them, and when you see him clean something up himself, praise him for it immediately. No need to be corny, just tell him how much you appreciate it without bringing up all the times it doesn't happen.
You said that he turned it down when you were initiating. Is it possible that he really was too tired? Since you ran marathons, I'm assuming you've kept yourself in reasonable shape. Even an attractive wife may be turned down occasionally if a man is simply weary to the bone or overcome by stress. Have you tried suggesting earlier in the evening, say around 7, that you'd like to retire to bed early so you both have some energy? That way, he might plan his evening to save some energy. Remember that he is gone several days out of the week. The best way to salvage this relationship is to make sure that his days at home are the best days of his week. From his behavior, it really sounds like he is struggling under a huge load of stress. When I am under a great deal of stress, my wife encourages me to stop putting so much on my plate. She is entirely capable of financially supporting us even if I wasn't working, so I don't need to put in 50 hour weeks. (Double income, no kid, either of us alone could make enough to support both of us, though she makes slightly more than I do) If he rejects sex, try offering it again the next night. Put yourself in your most seductive clothes. As a man, I can assure you that we are not that complicated. Seduce him and then praise him for how wonderful his performance was. See how much his personality changes over a few weeks.
I was a slob when I got married. My wife was very tidy. Now, we are both quite tidy. Rather than nag me about things, she tried to use positive reinforcement, even if it was just stroking my arm and saying thank you when I cleaned something up. After a few years, I had moved from leaving messes to searching out things (like baskets of laundry) that I could handle (fold).
I'm a very lucky man. I married a woman that believes the secret to marriage is knowing that as a man I will always think: "If I'm not horny, make me a sandwich."
I also suffer from resting A**hole face. Something many people have noticed . My wife, fortunately, is largely immune to my resting a**hole face. (Google the term if you don't know it) Perhaps to really top this off, I'm also innately an Ahole with an alpha-type personality. She manages to get past my flaws and has my undying affection because of it.
Relationships can be hard. Yours sounds like it could be saved. You may have to go above and beyond to do it, and it isn't "fair" for you to have to do it, but it is worth the sacrifice. You may find he becomes much more approachable if you're willing to spend a few weeks asking yourself at every turn "What would he want his wife to do?" It is through this question: "What would her ideal man do?" That I was able to be the man I needed to be to put a ring on her finger. It is still a question I must ask myself from time to time. If you keep asking yourself this question and make his weekends at home his favorite part of every week, he may choose (entirely on his own) that he really wants a job where he can be home more. Good luck veuvegirl. If you can run a marathon, I believe you can survive this endurance test as well.
Edited a few times to add some significant things after I finished reading the entire thread.
Pretty sure he isn't. Men that are having affairs will almost always maintain their current physical shape or begin a process of improvement. She said he was putting on significant weight, so an affair is very unlikely.
My question is, how did you express you were unhappy? Were you trying to be nice, polite, and not to offend him? You can't do that, it may not get your full point across.
Its why I suggest sitting down with him, telling him you've been deeply happy for some time, and unless things change and he agrees to counseling, you are ready to move on.
...
I just think you need to be more blunt.
I'd like to offer that I disagree with the part about being more blunt and that I believe suggesting you may be ready to move on would be the worst possible course of action. It will undermine any effort to actually save your marriage.
I don't know, it might be easier just to leave. You don't need to put up with cruelty, especially if it's directed at your children. Separate now and let him figure it out. Life's short.
It's easier, but anyone taking that route should chop their ring finger off so they never take a "Til death do us ****ing part" pledge. I have no respect for that kind of immaturity out of someone that is supposed to be an adult.
In the last year I have gone away twice for a month and once for two weeks. I will be honest and tell you it is a huge adjustment coming home. One gets used to going to an empty hotel room every night where there is quiet and you can do what ever you want. No disturbances. And although I missed being home in some areas, it is a treat living alone. When I finally came home, it took about two weeks for me to readjust. So, I can understand him a bit. (It is also a treat that if you are a regular at a hotel, they treat you like a Queen/King, catering to all your needs. It can be quite the life.)
Maybe he needs to find a way to adjust when he gets home from traveling. Maybe if he had a few hours alone when he first gets home. He needs some adjustment time.
I've been known to tell people "I promised my girls I'd be there". I have no kids. In my family, I refer to my wife and my dog as "my girls", a tradition she started. The work place often fails to have proper respect for marriage, but children are considered sacrosanct and no one would dare suggest I break a promise to "my girls". Occasionally this meant working much longer days so I could drive home and back early in the morning rather than stay at a hotel, but I was lonely and not happy away from my home.
I've been known to tell people "I promised my girls I'd be there". I have no kids. In my family, I refer to my wife and my dog as "my girls", a tradition she started. The work place often fails to have proper respect for marriage, but children are considered sacrosanct and no one would dare suggest I break a promise to "my girls". Occasionally this meant working much longer days so I could drive home and back early in the morning rather than stay at a hotel, but I was lonely and not happy away from my home.
It is not that I am not happy at home, nor possible the same with the op's husband.
Raising three sons to adulthood, taking care of a house, paying the bills, taking care of the car---regular life things, after 57 years it is a treat to go away for a couple of weeks. I still consider myself a home body. If co-workers ask me to go out after work, go to a party--I always choose to go home. It is always an adjustment to come home. Home is a great place. It just can be demanding, it is just the way it is. Not necessarily a negative thing. It is just getting back to life.
I think it is sweet that you use the term "my girls".
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. My wife, fortunately, is largely immune to my resting a**hole face. (Google the term if you don't know it) Perhaps to really top this off, I'm also innately an Ahole with an alpha-type personality. She manages to get past my flaws and has my undying affection because of it.
