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My apologies for the long first post. I am female, 54, no kids, unmarried, educated, slim, and have a good life with assets. Many people think I'm in the 39-42 year range because I take care of myself and am a lot of fun. I don't specifically "target" any age range of guy, and do fine living life by myself (just get tired of doing everything alone), and have a lot of interests, so I really don't think I'm a "cougar". For several years I've been friends/coworkers with, and a mentor to, a guy who is 32, he's cute but average, normal life, but a really good, well-mannered person with a good heart. He has taken a lot of my advice, which has turned out well for him, he thinks I'm amazing. He's called our relationship "this thing between us" and neither one of us know what that means. We find each other really interesting and he does a lot to help me, too, when I am dealing with something. He wants kids, but he doesn't realize with his age, there's a good chance that anyone he would marry a couple of years down the road will already have kids, and he doesn't want that. It's a family legacy thing, and he's not interested in being 35 with a 27 year old wife. So he doesn't realize he has a problem. For now, I don't even know how he views me, although he texts me every day to make sure I'm ok, buys me nice gifts, and cares about me. He's invited me to meet his parents/siblings. Recently, it's like my eyes are opened and I'm seeing him in a "relationship" light instead of just a "mentor/protege'". Should I forget any thoughts of this, should I pursue this, or just continue being great friends and see if it develops into anything else? and one thing I really need help with - should I wait to see if he makes a move first, or should I just go for it?
Him wanting kids is gonna throw a wrench in your plans..... While you guys may have a good chemistry/thing going, the kids thing might not go away for this guy and lets be honest, if you haven't hit menopause yet you're looking it in the face.
I will confess, I didn't read the scenario. I just red the headline and wondered why you are requesting help with a boytoy. You know what this is and that it is inappropriate in anyway to think of this man as nothing more than an exciting thrill to be had perhaps while you shop for a real relationship.
This is tough because, as you say, he wants kids. If you do wind up having a relationship - I mean a boyfriend/girlfriend thing - you both need to realize that due to this issue, it won't be forever. So you'll both need to start out knowing there isn't a potential for "forever," and you both need to be okay with that.
He does have "later on" to have kids, if he doesn't mind being an older father (i.e. if he, say, marries at 40 and has his first child at 42, he will be 60 before even that first child graduates high school...but that's really his problem, not yours).**
That said, you aren't having sex? Kissing? Anything? I would ask him whether he wanted that type of relationship, and I would absolutely, during THAT conversation, not later, bring up the fact that you won't be having children.
** This is part of why I wouldn't have children past 40, BTW. As it is, we had our last child when I was 39 and I will be 57 when that littlest graduates high school. I want SOME time between that and death to be selfish and wander around the house half-naked. The other reason was simply that I knew I was tired already, and carrying a pregnancy at an older age was going to be tough...too tough for me. I admit that. It was hard enough at 39 with a pre-schooler. Obviously this guy, in your situation, won't have to think about that second part for him, personally, as he won't be carrying any pregnancies. Just putting in my own experience.
My apologies for the long first post. I am female, 54, no kids, unmarried, educated, slim, and have a good life with assets. Many people think I'm in the 39-42 year range because I take care of myself and am a lot of fun. I don't specifically "target" any age range of guy, and do fine living life by myself (just get tired of doing everything alone), and have a lot of interests, so I really don't think I'm a "cougar". For several years I've been friends/coworkers with, and a mentor to, a guy who is 32, he's cute but average, normal life, but a really good, well-mannered person with a good heart. He has taken a lot of my advice, which has turned out well for him, he thinks I'm amazing. He's called our relationship "this thing between us" and neither one of us know what that means. We find each other really interesting and he does a lot to help me, too, when I am dealing with something. He wants kids, but he doesn't realize with his age, there's a good chance that anyone he would marry a couple of years down the road will already have kids, and he doesn't want that. It's a family legacy thing, and he's not interested in being 35 with a 27 year old wife. So he doesn't realize he has a problem. For now, I don't even know how he views me, although he texts me every day to make sure I'm ok, buys me nice gifts, and cares about me. He's invited me to meet his parents/siblings. Recently, it's like my eyes are opened and I'm seeing him in a "relationship" light instead of just a "mentor/protege'". Should I forget any thoughts of this, should I pursue this, or just continue being great friends and see if it develops into anything else? and one thing I really need help with - should I wait to see if he makes a move first, or should I just go for it?
OP:
Questions for you...
What is your employers policy regarding dating?
Are you in a supervisory role at work?
Regarding the bolded part in pink...
Have you thought about getting clarity about what "this thing between us" means?
Have you thought about asking him how he views you?
Thank you for your post. We are equals- as far as coworkers, and there's no policy against coworker relationships. I think a conversation may be happening soon, I just am having a problem reading him. I don't think he expected to have any feelings for me, which I'm still not sure are there. I may be misinterpreting this. He shows me a lot of attention, and if he were closer to my age, the way things are going, it would be clear to me that he wanted a relationship, I'm just confused because I never expected this from someone 2 decades younger than me.
He's only 32, he does have time to have kids with a woman in her 30s. I think you know the age gap is just too much between you two though. I'm in a similar situation to you and trying to make myself see reality - I am 44 (and yes look a lot younger) and the guy is 34.
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The other reason was simply that I knew I was tired already, and carrying a pregnancy at an older age was going to be tough...too tough for me. I admit that. It was hard enough at 39 with a pre-schooler. Obviously this guy, in your situation, won't have to think about that second part for him, personally, as he won't be carrying any pregnancies. Just putting in my own experience.
