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Often in these pages we hear of men bemoaning their parlous financial status. They're pitiable college-students, bedraggled retail-workers, underappreciated teachers, proud but poor social workers, law-graduates stuck in clerkships. Women, we hear, smell wealth and poverty, and their noises decidedly draw them to the former. A poor main who elevates his pecuniary wherewithal becomes a star with the ladies. The Horatio Alger rags-to-riches story apparently carries direct analogy in amorous life. On the other hand, we read (albeit less often) of affluent men who complain of being harassed by gold-diggers, prodded and coaxed out of their money, where in almost Christian analogy the rich man is denied the salvation of love, being pursued not for his character but for his wallet.
Both extremes confuse me. Never in my experience has a claim of wealth (exaggerated, accurate or intentionally attenuated) garnered me more female attention. Never has a tawdry display of poverty crushed a potential opportunity. Almost invariably, dinner-dates have insisted on a 50/50 split. Never has a woman dropped hints asking about my 401K, or whether my house is paid off, or if an elderly rich relative is about to die, or if I'm mired in debt. If I admit in conversation about being divorced, never have I been asked if the divorce was financially devastating. If I start talking about the stock market, the strength of the dollar, the divergence this year between small-caps and large-caps, oil prices or price-earnings ratios, almost invariably the woman's eyes roll in listless boredom.
My point is that money is neither-nor. Barring some unimaginable extreme, it neither damns or saves.
And so I have two questions to my esteemed brethren (using the term without gender) of the Forum.
1. why is so prevalent the [male] financial excuse for failure in dating? Do my fellow males seriously believe that doubling their salary will double the acceptance-rate of their romantic proposals? Do the females see themselves being twice as likely to be attracted to a man with twice the net-worth?
2. quite simply, where are the gold diggers? If from jejune desperation or reasons of conducting sociological research I were to reinvent myself as a cavalier dandy, seeking to trade lucre for lust, how to do so? How to comport myself? Where to fish?
1. It's so prevalent because it means that the male in question is not to blame for his romantic failures. It's essentially an excuse to avoid putting any effort into improving as a human being, changing any part of one's life, or worse yet, admitting to one's self that they are anything less than perfect. The irony here is that it's crystal clear to everyone except the male in question why he is single, and it has nothing to do with finances... and the longer he buys into this delusion, the more humiliating it becomes for him.
2. You said that you've 'claimed' or 'exaggerated' your wealth, but words or even simple actions are hardly the same thing as actually spending large amounts of money on a woman. True gold-diggers are definitely onto this and if you're not actually producing the goods, they're not simply going to sleep with you unless you can work your magic before your story falls through completely... and if you're claiming to be really wealthy, they're already going to be guarded. Non gold-diggers will probably just be insulted.
While I do think that the first cliche is a myth, for a certain type of person (men too, but traditionally women) the simple fact of the matter is that wealthy men can afford things like the best restaurants, expensive vacations, gifts for her parents, a fairytale wedding and luxurious honeymoon, two very nice cars, a beautiful home, long-term security, prestige, status, social currency, etc.-- not just because of her own materialism, but also because of the values of her parents, friends, etc.
Attraction has a huge social component and some women simply like the feeling of having scored what is universally considered to be the most appealing prospect in the room. The money is just a small part of what it means to 'score' a wealthy man.
But long-term happiness depends on a variety of factors that mature women (and indeed mature people in general) will understand and want for themselves above all others. These include compromise, peace of mind, love, trust, support, the ability to grow together and change each other's lives for the better, etc... and none of them depend on money.
Wow, what a rant.
Last edited by Spatula City; 12-21-2014 at 04:22 PM..
2. You said that you've 'claimed' or 'exaggerated' your wealth, but words or even simple actions are hardly the same thing as actually spending large amounts of money on a woman. True gold-diggers are definitely onto this and if you're not actually producing the goods, they're not simply going to sleep with you unless you can work your magic before your story falls through completely...
My aim isn't a string of impromptu sexual conquests, but something more permanent, even if the "relationship" is predicated on rather crass and dishonorable principle of exchange. So the charade of wealth will quickly be unmasked. My point rather was to say that whether I make a first-impression that bespeaks huge wealth, modest wealth or no wealth at all - well, the outcome is the same.
So let me ask instead quite bluntly: what does one do (rather than say) to attract true gold-diggers? Where does one go? What first impressions should one make?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Spatula City
If the choice is between a regular guy who does his best but can only afford going out to a movie and a restaurant every week or two and an otherwise regular guy who can shower her entire family with presents, the latter is going to have the advantage-- not just because of her own materialism, but also because of the values of her parents, friends, etc. Attraction has a huge social component and some women simply like the feeling of having scored what is universally considered to be the most appealing prospect in the room.
But this advantage requires time to manifest itself. If one man can offer his lady a luxury vacation in Europe, and another can barely take her to go canoeing in the local artificial lake, well, at that point a judgment can be made. But presumably such invitation (to Europe or to the lake) would only come once the relationship has developed to some point. One does not walk into a bar, jump atop of a table, clang two glasses together, and sonorously announce that the first lady who deigns to sleep with him will be paid $1M.
So to reiterate my question above: how does one unfurl one's peacock-features unambiguously but not coarsely?
Is there a website that caters to those who want to buy / be paid for having a relationship? Ashleymadison or something?
Target your marketing.
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My aim isn't a string of impromptu sexual conquests, but something more permanent, even if the "relationship" is predicated on rather crass and dishonorable principle of exchange. So the charade of wealth will quickly be unmasked. My point rather was to say that whether I make a first-impression that bespeaks huge wealth, modest wealth or no wealth at all - well, the outcome is the same.
So let me ask instead quite bluntly: what does one do (rather than say) to attract true gold-diggers? Where does one go? What first impressions should one make?
The easiest way is probably to have wealthy friends and spend time with them in places where wealthy people go... but I have no idea how or why you would want to attract a gold-digger. I suppose looking the part can go a long way if you're not in the right social circle... but a lot of the wealthy people I've met don't flaunt their wealth.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ohio_peasant
But this advantage requires time to manifest itself. If one man can offer his lady a luxury vacation in Europe, and another can barely take her to go canoeing in the local artificial lake, well, at that point a judgment can be made. But presumably such invitation (to Europe or to the lake) would only come once the relationship has developed to some point. One does not walk into a bar, jump atop of a table, clang two glasses together, and sonorously announce that the first lady who deigns to sleep with him will be paid $1M.
So to reiterate my question above: how does one unfurl one's peacock-features unambiguously but not coarsely?
Maybe you could try having conversations that show that you spend your large amount of money on exciting and expensive things. But it's pretty hard to BS a trip to Paris that you haven't taken, talk about international sailing trips when you don't have a yacht, or casually mention something about a restaurant you've never been to and could never afford.
Is there a website that caters to those who want to buy / be paid for having a relationship? Ashleymadison or something?
That's specifically for marital infidelity. And then there's the infamous foreign-bride racket. Or other contentious schemes where there's gross disparity in age between the male and female. Instead, my project is to find a local woman, in age comparable to mine (meaning, she's no longer young), who has no husband or boyfriend, and is looking to acquire one.
The easiest way is probably to have wealthy friends and spend time with them in places where wealthy people go... but I have no idea how or why you would want to attract a gold-digger. I suppose looking the part can go a long way if you're not in the right social circle... but a lot of the wealthy people I've met don't flaunt their wealth.
And that exactly is the rub, on both counts. Having spent a lifetime in relentless thrift and savings, I have no comprehension of "bling", tasteful or tacky. There's a reason why my screen-name is "peasant".
Exacerbating matters, ours is a blue-collar and impoverished region. My employer is the sole local engine of affluence, and nearly all coworkers are already married. I have no "wealthy" friends, and not the foggiest notion of how to acquire even superficial associations with what passes for the local notables. No one abides the parvenu; old money (if such a thing existed locally) would be disdainful. Non-money would be jealous and vindictive.
So we return to the broader problem of dating: success depends on one's networking skills, on fostering connections that later could be parlayed into dating-opportunities. Fail in that, and no gold will save you.
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