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Yes sir. I used to be stone cold when it came to emotions. Where I was in my life it was great. I could do what I wanted to do and when I wanted to do it. Then one day I wanted something more than long-term singledom. Don't get me wrong, if that is what someone wants, then that's the best thing for them. For me, long-term singledom was a phase. The closer I got to 30, the more I wanted to be open and share my life with someone. Even though my two relationships didn't work out this year, I can think back on both of them and how tremendously happy I was. I know the saying about being secure in myself, but there's something to be said about someone being and feeling secure with another person in your life. I loved that time in both of my relationships. I felt that I was more productive and could do way more things with that other person in my life. I felt I had that person that could fulfill parts of me that I didn't want to open up about.
One of these days I'll get it right and meet the one who can accept me at my best and my worst, but I've loved the experiences I've had this year with being fully devoted to my relationships. Even when I said hurtful things or we parted ways, it still didn't change how devoted I was. That's a regret I will never have, because it's what I needed and it showed that I can be a "man" for better or for worse. I haven't been able to say that in the past.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Yeah, no matter where this goes, it has been super enjoyable to fall for and connect with someone I'm so very attracted to. It had been awhile since I fell like this. Even if it ends soon, I think we'll be friends and it will have certainly been a successful relationship. I do wish for more with her though.
This is a tremendous thread, so much wisdom shared!!
This is my second marriage, and this one (6 months old) has had nothing but curveballs from the beginning. My dad died very shortly after I started dating my husband and this year alone, we've had job changes, job loss and my mother was diagnosed terminally ill. The only thing that has gone right this year is DH and I have each other. He has been a tremendous source of strength and support to myself and my mom. He is a great sounding board, and his default is to always try to find something that will make me laugh. We are hoping to toast to a New Year with brighter things ahead, but of course, there is my mom's illness lurking overhead because we don't know how much time she has. But I'm grateful for a strong man (and also for my own strength that I didn't know I had) by my side for this journey. I shudder to think of how things would have gone if my ex-husband was still around, and I'm glad that I didn't have to find out.
I think part of the "problem" is when you're young, you're not thinking of the harshness of life and the day-to-day realities of illness, death, job loss, etc. A little life experience shows you that life isn't all fun and highs, and that you need to be attracted to your partner but beyond that, their external appearance is not really what matters.
Beyond the Catholic faith which provides for pre-marital classes/counseling, there really isn't much available to the general masses, no information pamphlet at the marriage licensing office about things to look out for before tying the knot (but maybe there should be).
I won't repeat all the wonderful things that have been said in this thread, but when you're thinking of marriage as a lifetime commitment, you need to consider what changes can and will occur during that lifetime, and not just where you're at in the present moment, the seating chart for the wedding reception and where you'll go on your honeymoon.
It is hard to anticipate how things will go for any of us, and it isn't until you're actually in a crisis that you see how you respond and how your partner responds. Some people are driven apart by a crisis, some are drawn together. And IMO, you often learn that on the fly, when you're running on adrenalin and little else. But it is very true that adversity and how one deals with bad days and conflicts are going to be a valuable tool in showing you the kind of person you are with. I don't necessarily agree with if they get upset about petty things, they won't be able to handle the big ones. DH gets annoyed at the drop of a hat over tiny things, but he steps up when it really counts, and that is what matters to me.
I've been married for forty-eight years and what I've noticed is that as you each go through the various phases of life you change. Neither of us is the person we married. Children change you, jobs change you, financial circumstances change you.
And with those changes comes a need for adjustment by the other person. Keeping a marriage this long has required compromise and work. And along with that has come satisfaction in an accomplishment.
The one guarantee is that circumstances will change. And how you each adjust to that change will determine the quality of your relationship. Just off the top of my head I'd say the qualities of honesty and commitment were the most necessary to keep us on track.
Nicely said. Looking back on my first marriage we went through a lot in the 10 years we were together. While we were a good "team" (in the military sense, we functioned well together and got along) throughout much of it, we didn't have the sort of relationship that could be sustained long term. We did well with things like yearlong and frequent separations and day to day life with kids, but one of the major life events that changed our paths entirely was the decision to leave the Church (we're nontheists/apostates). It had a ripple effect. Our, especially my, entire worldview changed, and quite drastically. That event transformed me as a person. I was completely different 7+ years ago. I barely recognize the person I was. Those changes affected us as individuals on multiple levels, and in turn our marriage -- realizing that we're going down separate paths.
I also think after the loss of our first son that we ended up going in different directions in many respects. Not that we weren't supportive of the other person, but the tragedy itself also played a huge role in my transformation and the route I took. We went in different directions after a certain point. There was a lot of exploration, discovery and introspection after those two big life events.
When it came down to it we were aware that we needed to let go and venture down our own paths. I came to realize he wasn't the person that meets the criteria in the OP.
I truly needed someone I could lean on, who is a good communicator, is compassionate, and supportive. Communication, openness, perspective (seeing multiple sides), and compassion are vital during more challenging times.
Timberline, I read the article and thought it was very true but would like to add more and that is to find someone who suffers with you in the way that you need them to. It sounds like you really like this lady but that your needs are very different and it's good that you're finding this out now. If you need communication and she shuts down then that's a huge red flag. I'm so sorry.
I found this article timely for me too because I've started to date a man in the last couple of mo that I hope will be the one. Early on I learned that he lost a daughter when she was 16 and he was devastated. Now it's 20 yrs later and he still suffers during holidays, her birthday, and her death anniversary and he cried about her on the phone the other night. The hardest thing for him is that he's never been able to talk to anyone about this--his ex, who was his wife at the time just shut down on him and even blamed him for the girl's death because he made the very, very difficult decision to take her off life support. I am absolutely amazed by the strength this man has shown under such adversity and hope that I can be there for him in the way that he needs me to be. One thing that I have learned about him tho is that he has a deep need for communication when things are rough and that's good for me because I feel the same way. Others may feel differently.
Precisely. Partly the reason for the dissolution of my first marriage. It was a major component for me, and communication. We had different wants/needs in that regard.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Metaphysique
Precisely. Partly the reason for the dissolution of my first marriage. It was a major component for me, and communication. We had different wants/needs in that regard.
Yeah, I don't think this person fits that bill. Or I fear she doesn't. I need more time, but there just isn't the warmth. Some of it is because her energy is going into her issues, but it does make me cautious.
I find the biggest challenge is, at times, oh, how to put this... is not being emotionally selfish with people that have different needs in this respect than I do. I want to communicate and re-connect. Some people want and need space. That space makes me more wanting to communicate and connect... it makes me feel lousy. But that's pretty selfish, because it is what they need and if I care about their feelings I should be able to give that space that they need. When working through it "together" means giving space is where I get tripped up in relationships. It's either insecurity or emotional selfishness (or perhaps they're the same). I'm quite conscious of it and often put up a facade (which is exhausting) because I try to be that good partner, but damn, maybe it just isn't a good match.
Someone sent me the link below and it got me thinking. Unfortunately, my main thought was, "great, another way to weed people out"... and while generally I generally don't buy into a lot of the crud coming from religious sites, this one does make a bit of sense to me. I just don't focus on the good times. Good times are easy, but I do put a lot of weight on how we "argue" (talk through difficult things), and how we reconnect, but I've never given much thought on dealing with suffering together. I'm not sure the copyright rules here, so I'll just give a snippet and the link. Some questions this man suggests you ask before deciding to partner for life with someone:
start quote
Who do you want holding your hand when the test says "cancer?"
On whose shoulder do you want to lean when the doctor says, "We've done all we can?"
With whom do you want to lay beside when you don't know where your child is or if they will ever come home?
When your world turns upside down, in whose eyes do you want to look?
Find someone who suffers well.
For those that are or have been married, how would you rank such a consideration in importance?
I'm 6 mos into a relationship, and there was a rocky bit at the 2-3 mo mark but we've passed through that... but at 43 and being 6 mos in, maybe my timeline is a bit accelerated, but I'm already thinking about "is she the one?" and while I feel she very well may be, I don't feel positive about it at this point when putting it up against this criteria.
I don't really want this to be about me, but about the article and its premise. How sound is it to you?
I've come so far. The woman I'm with is someone who fits those.
I find the biggest challenge is, at times, oh, how to put this... is not being emotionally selfish with people that have different needs in this respect than I do. I want to communicate and re-connect. Some people want and need space. That space makes me more wanting to communicate and connect... it makes me feel lousy. But that's pretty selfish, because it is what they need and if I care about their feelings I should be able to give that space that they need. When working through it "together" means giving space is where I get tripped up in relationships. It's either insecurity or emotional selfishness (or perhaps they're the same). I'm quite conscious of it and often put up a facade (which is exhausting) because I try to be that good partner, but damn, maybe it just isn't a good match.
I think I'm an interesting case. I would love to be there for someone when she going through some stuff. I want to hold and communicate too. However, I am so used to people wanting space that my default is to giving them space.
I've gotten so used to it that I have actually through some friends off. One lady thought that I ditched her. I just told her that I would never do that. I just figured she wanted her space.
I'm still not used to being wanted by someone I value.
Then there are certain people that I would rather avoid.
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