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I'm a 34 year old male. Ever since the violent death of my father, I've been struggling with depression. I have a wife, and a beautiful 8 year old daughter. The guilt I feel is so deep that I just can't describe it here.
In early 2014, I started a sexual relationship with another woman. I saw her as a comforting power in my life; my wife, while she is very kind, is a bit naive, and it can be very draining to be around her. I and this other woman, let's call her Jane, became increasingly dependent on each other; I saw her as an emotional and moral crutch. I remember one time, I broke down in front of Jane. A couple of months ago, my daughter lost her best friend, who was struggling with illness, and I felt so responsible for her grief. Plus, my profession puts a whole lot of responsibility on my shoulders when it comes to peoples' lives. In desperation, I suggested to Jane that we just run away from everything. But that didn't happen.
Well, eventually, I did the right thing, and cut my relationship with Jane. However, the guilt is unbelievable. If my wife and daughter find out that I betrayed them, what's going to happen to them? I don't like thinking about it.
Did I destroy my family?
You're not responsible for your daughter's grief. Let her process her feelings in a natural and healthy way. If she needs guidance in that, you can have her see a grief counselor. That's a much better solution than having an affair, don't you think?
How would running away solve anything? Run away from your daughter, who you claim to be so concerned about? That makes no sense.
You need to see a grief counselor, yourself. You don't need anti-depressants (in case it crossed your mind), you need to deal with your grief. Please get help ASAP. The sooner you begin, the sooner you'll start feeling better.
P.S. How could you have destroyed your family if they don't even know what you did? You're not thinking rationally. Get help. It's only a Google away.
I'm a 34 year old male. Ever since the violent death of my father, I've been struggling with depression. I have a wife, and a beautiful 8 year old daughter. The guilt I feel is so deep that I just can't describe it here.
In early 2014, I started a sexual relationship with another woman. I saw her as a comforting power in my life; my wife, while she is very kind, is a bit naive, and it can be very draining to be around her. I and this other woman, let's call her Jane, became increasingly dependent on each other; I saw her as an emotional and moral crutch. I remember one time, I broke down in front of Jane. A couple of months ago, my daughter lost her best friend, who was struggling with illness, and I felt so responsible for her grief. Plus, my profession puts a whole lot of responsibility on my shoulders when it comes to peoples' lives. In desperation, I suggested to Jane that we just run away from everything. But that didn't happen.
Well, eventually, I did the right thing, and cut my relationship with Jane. However, the guilt is unbelievable. If my wife and daughter find out that I betrayed them, what's going to happen to them? I don't like thinking about it.
Did I destroy my family?
If you want to stay with your wife and keep your family together...............keep your mouth shut
I know plenty of people that have had affairs that are happily married, but I know of not a single one where someone got caught or came clean. A friend on mine's dad found out that his wife had an affair on him over 20 years ago after his wife admitted to it in her last days while dying of cancer. He has said that he would have rather not known, as he had no doubt that his wife loved him, but hearing about her having an affair with an old friend of his that is also passed on now stung pretty bad.
If you still love your wife, remember that what she doesn't know won't hurt here.
If you man up just say what you have written here. Communicate everything and you will have a better chance of fixing this. I understand the people that think you should eat the guilt, but I believe everything should be on the table. How much worse would it be if she found 10 years from now and considered those 10 years fake?
Tell her. After you do then you two can talk about what will happen next. The pain of guilt will be less severe if you do it that way. I know if my gf or wife did that to me, I would want to know. It would suck to hear it, but at least we can figure out what to do next. Since you only did this one time, there's a good chance things will work out if you what and how to say it.
I understand the "keep it quiet" theory, using the cliche "what she doesn't know won't hurt her".
But, the decision on whether to carry this emotional baggage with you or come clean depends solely on how you carry yourself. There are some people who can file guilt away, and no one would know the difference. There are some people who carry guilt on their sleeve, and it can be evident to other people you have a weight on your shoulders. You find yourself torn - can you live with this knowledge on your own; will you hurt a person you love? Over a long period of time, if you are the latter who can't hide guilt, that could start eating away at your wife as she will notice you to be different. The weight of guilt can only have a negative outward effect if you carry guilt on your sleeve. If you have the ability to resolve your conflict internally, either by yourself or through therapy, then there won't be that cloud over your head for everyone to see.
The second part of your decision if the effect of your wife and daughter finding out. You currently know how your relationship and life is with them having no knowledge. If all is "good", then this news could and probably will have a lifelong effect on your relationship. For your wife, either it's instant divorce, or she "says" she forgives you but carries something inside of her for the rest of her life, the knowledge. Trust will be fractured and maybe never the same. Or maybe she's a saint and will forgive you. Not knowing your family dynamics, just guessing that it's easier for a daughter to forgive. Neither will forget.
It's your choice. Choose wisely based on your own situation, not by someone here on the internet saying tell her or keep quiet, because we don't know you, your family, or your situation. You need to do some soul searching, and decide what is best for you, and then let the chips fall where they may.
That you feel very guilty and want to protect your family from the dark impact of what knowing would do is a good sign that you can recover stability without sharing anything and that you genuinely care about them.
Unless it's causing a major disturbance in the family, make peace with what bothers you about your wife. If you really are sincere that what you did was only a mistake and you truly love your family, the way to make up for it is to make peace with your wife's faults as you would want her to make peace with your fault if she knew.
If you want your faults to be forgiven, then forgive others theirs.
There is a powerful scene in "Its a Wonderful Life" where, after losing his family for awhile, George Baily returns and is ecstatically happy to see every annoying little flaw that used to bother him about his life. The way to manage those little flaws that tick us off, where maintaining a stable home is important to those counting on us, is to break through those flaws with more love, not less. Baily's whole perspective changes after knowing how dark and emotionally desolate things could have been. Yes, some of the things your wife is sharing and showing you are negative but she didn't chose you to intentionally disappoint you.
Identifying faults like your wife's are not impairments to love. They are paths to deeper cooperation and connection. It's all in your approach. You can approach it as an intolerable obstacle or an opportunity for further growth. Helen Keller was deaf AND blind. That didn't stop Anne Sullivan. She broke through.
When you tell someone lovingly you accept them for exactly who they are an odd thing sometimes happens. They realize what it is about them needs work and they try to change.
No you didn't destroy your family. You did however destroy something intrinsic inside of you, your peace of mind. But given the fact you have many issues in your life at the moment I think a therapist would be well worth it. You have to come to terms with your father's death, your daughter's grief and your relationship with your wife, along with a deep sense of guilt and shame over an affair. The very fact you wanted to run away shows that you are in a deep hole that you feel like there is no escape from. A therapist will help you come to terms with all of these issues and help you cope with, what seems to be a lot of crap in your life, much of it not your doing.
And don't tell your wife about the affair, not yet anyway.
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