Telling a guy he's coming on too strong (dating, boyfriend, girlfriends)
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I need to tell the man I've been dating he's just coming on too strong with too much, too fast. I am going to do it... but I am trying to figure out how without being too harsh. I like him, but he's laying it all on too thick. I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt (that he's just "out of practice" for dating since he's been single for a long time). But I've also been on the fence about him for about a week now.
At this point, I am thinking of saying something like, "I like you, I want to keep seeing you, but you are coming on too strong. I need a degree of personal space at this stage in our dating. Can we dial all this back while we are still just getting to know each other?"
How does that sound? Any suggestions?
Little background as to why I feel I need to do this:
He's the same man I've had to tell to back off once already (he was calling me every night, before we even went out on a first date). He backed off on calling, but the past few times he's called, he's been trying to talk up phone sex. It's just weird for me. We've only been out on three dates and we've only ever kissed him, nothing more. So the idea of getting all hot and heavy on the phone just doesn't do it for me (maybe if we'd actually done something for real, I could get into it).
But right now it's just awkward and I just wish he'd stop. The latest was when he called me in the middle of me cleaning up dog vomit. I told him I was cleaning up dog vomit, yet he proceeded to describe in detail all the things he wanted to do and that he was very horny. I had to end that conversation (before I busted out laughing... having this man getting all hot an bothered on the other end of the line while I am scrubbing vomit out of the carpet--the whole situation was silly).
I've been thinking I need to tell him to back off the phone sex, I just haven't gotten around to it.
But the thing that is really bugging me is recent... I went to a funeral this week for a relative. He's been texting me all week long while I am staying with relatives and such telling that if I am sad, I can just imagine him holding me and me crying on his shoulder. To call him if I need to talk to someone about my loss. And later texts about how he wishes he could hold me and help me get through it.
I don't know, it just seems like that's some kind of invasion into personal space. He not my boyfriend yet, he's essentially just a guy I've been on a handful of dates with at this point. It's a bit much. I have family I can (and did) turn to for hugs and support at the funeral. I guess he's trying to be nice, but it's all coming off as disingenuous to me. If nothing else, it's a bit inappropriate to be that familiar at this point and during an event like this with my family and it's making me uncomfortable.
OP, this guy is throwing major red flags. I'm betting he has huge issues. Be careful and tell him you need some space and don't want to engage in phone sex. The next time he tries to engage you, hang up. Keep doing that.
Most of all trust your gut. If you're not feeling right about him this early in the game, there is a reason.
I need to tell the man I've been dating he's just coming on too strong with too much, too fast. I am going to do it... but I am trying to figure out how without being too harsh. I like him, but he's laying it all on too thick. I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt (that he's just "out of practice" for dating since he's been single for a long time). But I've also been on the fence about him for about a week now.
At this point, I am thinking of saying something like, "I like you, I want to keep seeing you, but you are coming on too strong. I need a degree of personal space at this stage in our dating. Can we dial all this back while we are still just getting to know each other?"
How does that sound? Any suggestions?
Little background as to why I feel I need to do this:
He's the same man I've had to tell to back off once already (he was calling me every night, before we even went out on a first date). He backed off on calling, but the past few times he's called, he's been trying to talk up phone sex. It's just weird for me. We've only been out on three dates and we've only ever kissed him, nothing more. So the idea of getting all hot and heavy on the phone just doesn't do it for me (maybe if we'd actually done something for real, I could get into it).
But right now it's just awkward and I just wish he'd stop. The latest was when he called me in the middle of me cleaning up dog vomit. I told him I was cleaning up dog vomit, yet he proceeded to describe in detail all the things he wanted to do and that he was very horny. I had to end that conversation (before I busted out laughing... having this man getting all hot an bothered on the other end of the line while I am scrubbing vomit out of the carpet--the whole situation was silly).
I've been thinking I need to tell him to back off the phone sex, I just haven't gotten around to it.
But the thing that is really bugging me is recent... I went to a funeral this week for a relative. He's been texting me all week long while I am staying with relatives and such telling that if I am sad, I can just imagine him holding me and me crying on his shoulder. To call him if I need to talk to someone about my loss. And later texts about how he wishes he could hold me and help me get through it.
I don't know, it just seems like that's some kind of invasion into personal space. He not my boyfriend yet, he's essentially just a guy I've been on a handful of dates with at this point. It's a bit much. I have family I can (and did) turn to for hugs and support at the funeral. I guess he's trying to be nice, but it's all coming off as disingenuous to me. If nothing else, it's a bit inappropriate to be that familiar at this point and during an event like this with my family and it's making me uncomfortable.
Wow....there's enough in that one post for me to say that, if anything, you're underplaying the red flag that he is. Your suggested statement is more tactful and cautious than perhaps is warranted.
JILLA, jilla, jilla! You keep being too nice to the wrong people, wanting to give them the benefit of the doubt, etc.
HUGE red flags in this case! Drop him like a hot potato! Jeez, you can do so much better than this!
You're letting people run over your boundaries. Then you wonder if maybe you should re-draw your boundaries in order to give these guys the benefit of the doubt. In doing so, you're opening yourself to potential abuse of one sort or another. *shudder*
Some self-reflection is called for, to gain some insight into why you do this. A red flag (or five) is a red flag. Heed it. Run, and block all access.
You know, part of the reason I posted this here was not only to get feedback on my "back off" idea, but also because I was wondering if his behavior is unusual. I seem to be color blind to red flags. I'll be honest, two of my friends already don't like what I've said about him (I've only told two girlfriends I am dating this guy, because it's only been a handful of lunch dates so far and I've been on the fence about him).
If the posters here are right (and I am thinking they are), these guys that "act nice" always seem to throw me for a loop. Part of me feels something is off, but then they've never done anything bad or wrong. Ugh. I've said it before, I am too naive and I don't know how to be less so (although I know I need to be).
I think I do need more self reflection. In the meantime, I also now need to figure out what I am going to do about this guy.
Learn to tune in better to that little voice that says "something is off here", "there's something wrong with this picture". It takes practice. You'll get better at it. Don't doubt the little voice. The little voice knows.
Ya know ya can just let his calls go to vmail, right, jilla?
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