Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I wouldn't mind a few anonymous thoughts here on a situation I'm in, that I can only imagine is highly common:
Been seeing a guy for about a month, non-exclusively. We have a lot in common, conversations are never dull, there's physical chemistry, and he treats me with so much respect and consideration. I think I do the same, and I've enjoyed every interaction we've had.
Thing is, despite our acknowledging a couple weeks ago that we aren't considering ourselves right now sexually exclusive, I still feel he is trying really hard to make things exclusive, and way too fast. He's investing far more time, energy, $$, and thoughtfulness into the relationship than I want him to, and I don't feel comfortable reciprocating to the extent that he does. He is into PDA - I'm not - and he likes to check up on me throughout the day, and I'm just not ready for that. He's inviting me to meet his good friends, and seems really interested in meeting mine - again, I'm not ready for that. He's even trying to make plans for this summer that we could do together - faaaaaar too early, in my opinion!! I've only known him for a month, and until I'm exclusive with someone, it's hard for me to want to integrate our lives together. I cringe when he calls every single night - sometimes I am out with friends and getting my flirt on a bit - it's an uncomfortable situation... it also makes it difficult to 'miss him', when he's always around. It's lessening the attraction on my end, and I'm frustrated because I feel that if he'd just back off a bit, I could breathe and reflect on all of it and it could evolve naturally if it's meant to be. I get the sense that he's enjoying the chase, but I'm feeling a bit smothered.
As a side note, dating isn't front and center in my life right now - I have lots of other things going on, working hard to build upon my life, and I just don't have the time or energy to put a relationship first. I'm keeping it on the back burner for now, and I truly, intuitively feel that is where it needs to be. At some point, possibly in the very near future, I know I'll be ready for that again, but at this moment I'm not.
I know I need to have a conversation with him about this, but every time I think of how to do so, I feel selfish and a bit arrogant. Selfish because of how much space I need when he seems more than willing to have me enter into his, and arrogant because I don't want to sound like I'm just waiting for someone better to come along. This guy is amazing and deserves someone amazing - I'm interested in getting to know him better, and becoming closer, but at the speed he is taking things, I feel like the only natural thing to do is back off a bit myself. The closer he tries to be 'integrated' into my life, the further away I want to run. Essentially, he is initiating things that I personally associate with a 'serious relationship', not 'dating', and I'm not comfortable with those things unless we actually are in one (which we are not... I really like to take things slow!).
He got out of an 8-year relationship a bit over six months ago - so it's very likely he is just more used to serious relationships than he is with the dating scene (I understand... the dating scene is hella confusing anyway), but again... any tips on how to bring this up with integrity?
You should let him know asap that you are not looking for an exclusive relationship right now. He's trying with everything he has to win your heart and it's cruel to allow him to continue his pursuit if you are not receptive.
It sounds like a case of bad timing. He ready for a serious relationship and you are not.
Do the right thing and let him find someone who appreciates him and his courtship style. There's plenty of women who are on their knees praying every night for a man like that.
I am generally pretty direct... but I will confess I have a harder time of it with dating. Esp. when my own feelings are uncertain.
I agree though, letting him know I am not looking for an exclusive relationship at this point in time, needs to happen asap. I did allude to that on our first date, but I think he's been trying to change my mind since we've been enjoying our time together so much...
It's pretty hard to slow things down with a man when he's the only one you're dating. It’s practically impossible.
But if you keep dating other men, you are instantly able to take it slowly. Your schedule is busy with other dates and activities so that you're automatically not always available to any one man, and it also gives you time to catch your breath and reflect on what he is revealing to you about himself.
But since you are not looking for an exclusive relationship right now, it should be pretty ease to do.
However, you should have a honest conversation with him, and tell that you are not interested in a bond. You like him, but you also want to see other people, have time for yourself, see and be with friends.
If he wants a solid, exclusive relationship, you're not a right person for him.
So he wants to be exclusive, and you want to bang other dudes... this is usually the reverse, but hey
Just tell the guy. If it was me, I would be out the door. Just be prepared for that and dont get butthurt when he never returns another phone call. It's your decision.
I am generally pretty direct... but I will confess I have a harder time of it with dating. Esp. when my own feelings are uncertain.
I agree though, letting him know I am not looking for an exclusive relationship at this point in time, needs to happen asap. I did allude to that on our first date, but I think he's been trying to change my mind since we've been enjoying our time together so much...
Thanks.
I was in a similar situation recently, so I understand your male friend. He wants a real relationship you are more into the "live the moment" thing.
I've read great advice, so I may add something: don't give the guy false hopes.
If you want some time apart or just the guy to stop well...just tell him so. As somebody said, be direct, there is no point on being cold or just ambiguous.
However you need to give the guy an A for effort...another one just want a quick affair and will run away. This guy wants something serious.
So think about it...some people don't want to rush into relationships, and that's okay, but often because of their lack of honesty they lose a potential good relationship.
If you see potential with this guy, tell him to give you time...but be honest with yourself. Do you really see a future with him or not?
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,974,024 times
Reputation: 40635
You guys just aren't in the same place. If you're the only one he's seeing, or he is really into you, he's not really going to back off. Not for more than a blip in time after you tell him. It is all in or all out.
Tell him to slow things down. What is it with people being afraid of being direct?
I agree 49. Tell him straight up or be prepared to resent him for not knowing.
If you still want his attention and to keep him around, then tell him that you want him to pull back and allow you to get to know him without so much romance first. That cools men down pretty quick in my experience. Most men look to YOU to guide them into what YOU want them to do, so.. guide him.
You have to speak your mind boldly and leave no room for confusion. No one else is going to do that for you.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
