Am I right to be upset or should I just get over it? (dating, boyfriend)
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This is an extremely angsty, long post so please don't read if you don't have the patience.
I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half now. When I first started talking to him, he was very open about some issues he was having. He was depressed, on medication and was recovering from an addiction to a controlled substance (he was prescribed this medication so he abused it regularly). At this point, he was 19, had taken a year off college after failing his freshman year, arguably because of the addiction and living in his aunt's basement. He had a very tumultuous relationship with his parents and talked fondly about his aunt. I was a senior in high school and had just been accepted to my dream school for political science. We were very different; he was a bit of an underachiever and I was an overachiever. However, we bonded over our mutual family problems. I had a lot of problems with my own parents. Eventually, we began dating. Mind you, this is a long distance relationship. He's in Boston, I'm in Toronto.
Despite knowing his sketchy past, I pursued a relationship with him because he was actually a very intelligent, ambitious individual with emotional problems. But everyone had their vices, right? Anyways, things were fine, lighthearted and great up until 3 months into the relationship. We got intimate pretty quickly; I had never had sex with anyone before him but I think I was 3rd or 4th for him. I wasn't pressured or anything like that, but I did feel a little weird about the fact that I didn't wait very long. I brushed it off a virgin thing. I was 17 at the time. Nevertheless, it wasn't really an issue. We didn't get intimate again for a few months, because of the distance, so I think that helped make it feel less "rushed". The next time we did, everything was fine and then all of a sudden, it wasn't. He just couldn't "rise to the challenge", so to speak. I wasn't really familiar, being one of the first few times I'd done it, so I'd asked him what was wrong. I began to feel self-conscious, like maybe it was my fault? Looking back, it was silly and stupid of me, but I kept pushing for him to tell me what it was. Obviously, I thought it was me. He kept reassuring me it wasn't. But he revealed something. At this point we'd only been dating for about 3 months, so it fairly early in our relationship. Things got heavy and hot with us early on, emotionally and physically, so I guess I wasn't totally taken aback. He told me a secret about his aunt. He shared a disturbing story about a few inappropriate moments in his life with her when he was a child. No one else in his family was aware. An example of one of them was that he would often sneak into her drawers and smell her underwear. One day she caught him. He was about 6 and she was much older, 25 maybe? She asked him why he did that and whatnot. Instead of putting a stop to it, she began handing him her used underwear herself.
[ A quick background: His father joined the military right before he was born so his mother was practically a single mother. At the time, his father's sister (the aunt) was in her early twenties and helped take care of him a lot. ]
I was really understanding. I didn't push for details. I was sick to my stomach, but I think I handled it pretty well. I avoided the subject, because I could tell how uncomfortable it made him and it wasn't really talked about again until many, many months later. Nevertheless, my feelings towards her changed a lot. He'd always spoken so nicely about her, describing her as the only adult who understood him and stood up to his parents for him, but now I was seeing her in a completely different light. I don't really have a tolerance for people who have inappropriate contact with children. So to say the least, I wasn't very fond of her anymore. I felt his relationship with her was toxic and disgusting, but I didn't say much on it because our relationship was new and it wasn't time to cross that bridge. It was obvious he was having issues because of it. Anyways, after he told me the story, I understood why it wasn't happening for him and we moved on. He went home, and everything was normal, despite knowing what I did.
Fast forward to 8 months later, we've been dating for one year and things are different between us. We start talking about me spending the summer with him. At this point, he was still living with her (to my disdain) but was looking to move out. In the months leading up to this, I began noticing the weird things about their relationship. It wasn't anything as atrocious and conspicuous as her behaviours with him when he was a child, but it was mild, weird actions that began making sense. I completely encouraged his decision to move out, to be honest, I pressured him a lot. He was off the drugs at this point, including the depression medication and was looking at a career in the military. I felt like this was the perfect time to get on his feet and get the hell out of that house.
Long story short, I spent that summer with him. He was living in an apartment his grandmother had rented out to him. Things went downhill quickly. We began fighting a lot, arguing and it even got physical. Now, to be clear, I wasn't beaten. I'm not the victim type. Whenever things escalated to that point, it was always mutual. He never hit me where I didn't hit him back. I'm considerably smaller than him, so he was always able to sort of restrain me. We had outbursts and it got nasty. We obviously we were not ready for the pressures and complications of living together. At this point, he was 20 and I was 18. It was only for the summer, never meant to be permanent, but like a taste test, you know? I realized that we were just far too immature, volatile and stupid to be living together. It was a bad situation.
A lot of things happened but to rewind, early on, when I first moved in I met his parents. Throughout our relationship, I had encouraged him try to fix that relationship. I felt that he needed to give them an opportunity. There was a lot going on there. I won't get too much into it, but they were young parents who made a lot of mistakes. But everyone makes mistakes. In retrospect, I made a mistake in pushing for him to talk to them. He obviously wasn't ready to rekindle that relationship and I should've respected that.
At first, I got along with his parents. I was the first girl they'd met and everything was okay. I could tell, right off the bat, that they didn't take me very seriously. I didn't let it get to me. But it was obvious that they believed I was just a temporary thing, a girl from Canada that was pretty insignificant. I think they felt that I was holding him back, because at that current point in time, they were pushing for him to join the armed forces. He had a lot of speeding tickets and traffic violations, including a suspended license. His father kept telling him that if he didn't join the army and show the judge he was doing something with himself, he was going to jail for a year. I was apprehensive about this. Now, to be clear, I'm no legal expert but I'd dealt with a lot of similar situations with my mom. She had about 4 DUI's. So I spent a lot of time talking to lawyers, going to court and whatnot, being her eldest child. I was also a political science major, looking to get into law school, so I'd educated myself some. Anyways, I felt like he was being manipulated. I'd encouraged his decision to look into a career in the military. My brother had joined as well, so I have nothing against the military. However, things changed when I saw how hard his parents were pushing him to join, telling him he had no choice or he was going to jail. I told him how I felt maybe he should wait until all his legal issues were settled before making an major decisions. I still supported his decision, I just didn't think it was his decision anymore.
Rewind to a few weeks earlier, I'm in his mother's kitchen and she's talking about her son's spiral. I guess he was an honour society student until he got into college and got heavy into prescription drugs and messed up his life. I always knew he was really smart and capable so it made sense. At this point, I made a really big mistake. The conversation took a turn, in where she mentioned that she had a feeling that her son had been molested. Up until this point, the very few times I'd spoken to my boyfriend, I'd encouraged him to talk to his parents about what happened with his aunt, as I felt that it would benefit him. Emotionally and mentally. I felt that he should give them a chance, as I really believed that they would support him and hopefully, make sure she never had contact with him again. [Note: His mother did not like his aunt, because she'd always prevented him from fixing his relationship with his parents. There was bad blood there, even before my boyfriend was born]
So, my mistake. I opened my big mouth. There isn't a single day that I don't regret saying something, because it wasn't my secret to tell but I'd been holding onto this thing for a year and in that moment, I felt sick. I mean, this poor woman feels like something happened to her son, and she was right but she had absolutely no idea and he wasn't saying anything. I felt that his aunt was getting away with it, as no one had confronted her and told her what a sick person she was. So I blabbed and told his mother about the situation with his aunt and the stories he'd told me.
I felt terrible and I knew I shouldn't have done it the second I opened my mouth, but at that point, there wasn't anything I could do to take it back. I did, however, make it clear that he was very uncomfortable, scared and embarrassed of this secret and that I didn't think they should come out and ask him about it. We agreed to have me talk to him and see if I could convince him to say something to them, and therefore, make him feel less betrayed by him.
Obviously, things never go as planned.
I talked to him but it was obvious that he was never going to change his feelings about it. He justified by saying that she had children now and that could affect her kids, his cousins, who he was fond of. I understood what he was saying he, but he was someones' child too, and she didn't care, so I didn't feel that she deserved any courtesy. However, I couldn't force him to talk and I was so afraid of his reaction to what was going to happen if he found out I blabbed.
His mother and I had a falling out, and it's a long story, but we got into a fight and obviously, she took his side. She called me names and whatever, and I didn't say anything back. My boyfriend was laughing while she humiliated me. At that point, I was done. Ready to leave and never look back. He apologized and begged for me to stay. He got upset with his mother, which I knew was for my sake, because I'd seen him laughing that day.
I was embarrassed and upset because I felt alone. The only person I had was my boyfriend. I was in a foreign place. I was barely 18 and pretty much on my own, living with someone that I wasn't getting along with. But I couldn't just leave. I didn't have the money too, because I'd spent most of it getting things for the apartment and groceries and rent and all the other expenses we had. I couldn't work, obviously. But mainly, I was too embarrassed to call my mom, ask for money to get home and admit she was right She'd made it clear that she didn't support my decision to go see him, and felt it was a mistake but I was an adult and I needed to learn for myself.
Lesson learned, mom is always right.
Things became tense. After the fight I had with his mother, she made phone calls. She told his whole family about what I'd said concerning his aunt, including her and made me out to be this vindictive evil person who was looking to alienate him from his family, even though, at the time she'd told that she believed me. At one point, they went out to a Krispy Kreme and she asked him if the things I said were true.
He said no, they weren't true and I'd made it all up.
That was the end of everything. Fast forward a few days, and his father convinced his grandmother to evict him and tell the police I was trespassing.
His father called his aunts to come and confront me for the things I'd said. The aunt, the one who'd done those things to him, was there and obviously she had a few choice words for me. My boyfriend was there too. We all sat at a kitchen table. Everything came to the surface. I was called a *****, a *****, a psychopath, a liar and whatever else you can think of.
I didn't defend myself. To this day, I regret that, but I didn't do anything to stick up for myself. At one point, his aunt was screaming at me, telling me she would kick my ass and I just lost it. I cried, and finally broke and called my mother. They took the phone, explained that I needed to leave and all the **** I was supposedly causing and wouldn't let me talk to her. Now I don't want to come off as a victim, but in that moment, I was under attack. There were about 8 people there, all over 40, including a 60 year old grandmother, all calling me a ***** and telling me that if I didn't leave the apartment they would have me arrested for trespassing. I can't even explain what that felt like.
My boyfriend, if you could call him that, didn't say a word. At one point, his aunt (not the one who had done those things to him) told him to look her in the eyes. I was sitting beside him. He turned to her and she said, "Look me in the eyes and tell me you said those things about your aunt,". The aunt in question was there, she was a few feet away. He told them that he swore he never said those things. So his aunt looked at me, repeated again how she would ruin me if I didn't leave, before calling the police.
Side note: I'd already agreed to leave, that night. I planned on calling my mom and having her book the next flight over. I was desperate to get out of there. I had nothing left to say to anyone, including my boyfriend. However, they insisted that I take the bus. Why? I don't know. They just refused the idea of me taking a flight. I had to take the bus. But I wouldn't allow them to book the ticket with my credit card. The only time I really said anything was to say that if I was paying for my way back home, I would book a flight.
His family did not like it that I was adamant in not letting them push me around on how I would pay for what and kept threatening me.
When the police arrived, they told them that I'd damaged the apartment, when I absolutely did not. My boyfriend had punched the walls when he was upset with me, but I'd never done anything like that. I didn't break things when I was upset, his parents knew this, but they lied. Anyways, it was about 8 adults telling the cops that I was doing all this bull****, and the cops just told me to leave. They wouldn't let me go upstairs to get my things because they'd insisted that I was just looking for an excuse to get inside. My boyfriend brought my suitcase down. Obviously, I was missing over half of my personal stuff but I had my wallet.
So I left. I had no idea where I was going, barely any money and no plan. I got into a taxi and headed to the airport. With the few coins I had left, I called my mom, completely panicked and at a loss. She booked a flight for me to get home.
Writing this, I get emotional all over again. Before all of this, I was a straight A student, accepted into the University of my dreams, planning for law school, extremely close with my friends and family and overall, I had a simple, good life. Nothing was perfect, but I was happy. My life was uncomplicated.
What happened to me there, I don't know how to describe it, other than it's one of those experiences you never forget. It completely changed me, because it was a huge wake up call. In those short, few hours, I was homeless, no idea what I was going to do or how I was going to get home and it was unlike anything else I'd experienced. I was terrified. I couldn't stop shaking. Nothing like that had ever happened to me.
But everything worked out. I was scarred, but I made it home in one piece. A week later, I left home and moved to my dorm. I'm at school now.
My boyfriend tried desperately to get a hold of me from the second I got back to Canada. He called incessantly, he called my friends, my parents, my house and obviously, my cell phone. He tried to reach me on Facebook and other social media. I was not having it. I was so angry, hurt but most of all, I felt so unbelievably betrayed. I refused his phone calls and texts for a few weeks. When I finally spoke to him, he'd officially joined the army and was living with his parents. He signed the contract 3 days after I left.
It's been almost 6 months since the incident. I'm at school. He's at basic training. He doesn't speak to his aunt anymore, since I guess, deep down she knew that he'd told me those things. They don't have a relationship. Which is good for him.
I told my best friends about what happened. They don't support my relationship with him. My parents don't know anything except that we had a fight. To be honest, I'm too embarrassed to share it. This is the first time I'm doing it, besides telling my friends. I'm embarrassed because I put myself in such a horrible situation and I didn't do too much to get out of it until it got out of hand.
Most of all, I'm embarrassed because our relationship didn't end there. After everything happened, I don't know how or why, but I agreed to give things a second chance. It was probably the worst decision I've ever made, second to moving in with him. He apologized, profusely. He's tried to make things right. But you can't. I have a hard time trusting people. I'm very closed off. I try to be logical, reasonable and practical. I don't get attached very easily. I have ambitions and goals and my education has always been my priority. With this relationships, things began to shift. My grades dropped. I experimented with drugs. I lost my virginity. I stopped telling my friends about my life because I was ashamed. There were all my choices, I take full responsibility. I don't blame him for these things. But I think our relationship, which was my first real relationship, changed me for the worse. It was all too much, too quick. But he's been such a huge part of my life, at one point my life revolved around him, that I can't bring myself to let go. I know it's wrong. I know he's bad for me. But I love him. It's so twisted and disgusting, but I do.
I don't trust him. I've seen the way he lied. I saw how he threw me under the bus to save himself the embarrassment. When I'd asked him why he did, he explained that she was right there (his aunt) and he just couldn't say it in front of her. He feels that I just need to get over it. He's apologized over and over again, he cut her off, and he's done as much as he can. But I still have resentment for everything that happened.
I don't know what to do. I know I just dumped this huge, overwhelming story on your laps, and I don't expect you all to give me the answers. I'm pretty sure the answers will all be relatively the same.
But I needed to share this. As anonymously as I could. Perhaps, you people have more in sight into this than I do. Maybe some of you have similar experiences. Or maybe I just need a good kick in the ass by some strangers to move forward. Honestly, I just want to be able to move on from this. I feel like sharing it, despite the embarrassment, will help. Hopefully, someday I can be open about it and truly learn from this experience. I'm just not there yet.
P.S: Before you all jump to the conclusion that maybe he just lied, I know that the stories he'd shared with me are true. There's physical proof of it. No doubt in my mind.
i actually put an efort in to read this but it is entirely too long, i only made it to the part about the aunt and then where yall lived in an apt and were hitting each other
i actually put an efort in to read this but it is entirely too long, i only made it to the part about the aunt and then where yall lived in an apt and were hitting each other
i will come back later and give a response
Haha, yeah, it's fine. It is unbearably long. I didn't really know how to shorten it though. I tried my best.
Is this just a longer version of when you were asking if you should leave your military boyfriend?
I got to "Long story short....." and then noticed the 20 some odd paragraphs after it. lol I can't do it.
Either way, I didn't like the situation he was putting you in in THAT thread, and in this one near the bottom you say you don't trust him.
LEAVE! Leave before he ends up getting you pregnant or something.
No, actually this is the story of what happened over the summer. I mentioned it in the other post. Lol totally understandable, I really don't expect too many people to read it. I just kinda wanted to get it all out. It feel good to keep writing, I couldn't stop until I got to the end.
I made it about 1/2 way before I gave up.
Long answer made short............do you really want to live this way?
Don't they make boys in Canada that are less trouble without all the emotional baggage, addiction recovery and creepy aunts and physical abuse on both sides?
I bet if you keep looking in Canada you just might find one close to where you are located geographically.
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