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One of the reasons I won't date single moms is that no matter what, I will never be a priority in the family structure. I will always be "second place." It's similar to feeling like the backup plan when she decides she wants to date someone else. I, unlike some guys, don't settle for being second fiddle.
You can have equal priorities in life... everything doesn't need to be in a hierarchy. And it's very easy for people to share importance. And easy example... say you have two sons. Are they not equally as important to you? Or can you only have a favorite and a least favorite? I know some people do, but others love equally.
That said, you aren't going to be most people's #1 priority in life if you are just dating them; even if they don't have kids. Becoming a priority in someone's life is something that develops overtime as a relationship develops. For example, say you have a woman in your life who is getting a great job elsewhere and she wants you to move with her. Would you give up your job and friends for a woman you are "just dating?" Now what if she is your girlfriend? What if she's your wife?
I am not saying you should date single moms. You don't want to and I don't think you should. It's not your thing. I am just pointing out that your reasoning for it is flawed. There is no reasoning/thinking it though. It's how you feel and based your emotions (and that's perfectly fine).
My sister was divorced with two kids and never had a problem dating. However she also made six figures, owned her own home, had a drama-free relationship with her ex and received child support. So there was no expectation for a guy to come in and play White Knight and pick up the slack that some deadbeat ex left behind.
Truth is, there is no shortage of men who will date a single mom (I am living proof... I am a single mom due to divorce. I've had more dates in the past three years than I did in the dozen years I was trying to date before I was married). Most of the men interested are single dads due (which makes sense most men 35+ who are single are divorced and many have kids too) I only dated two men who had no kids.
Don't worry about who won't date you. No matter who you are in life there are lots of people who aren't interested in you at all for whatever reason. That happens to everyone. Focus on the ones who will date you and forget the rest, it's not worth fretting over them.
All that said, dating as a single mom is a challenge. The biggest challenge is that (if you have younger kids) it's harder to be spontaneous and you have less free time, but I also wonder how many people (other than those with no obligations in life) can truly be spontaneous all the time and have a lot of time on their hands to date.
My biggest hangup is I haven't met anyone yet on the same page as me (I meet a lot of men interested in marriage, but I am not interested in marrying again). So I end up feeling like I am wasting time with random men when I could be spending more time with my child. I do 100% of my dating when my daughter is with her dad... but the same men will call every evening when we aren't on a fate and want to talk and such, and that's usually homework time, family dinner time, etc and it pulls me away from that.
I agree with you. There is no shortage. I'm also a single mom due to divorce but I don't feel any restrictions in the dating area.
I think single moms and dads are some of the strongest people in society you will meet. They are mature, independent and have a sense of self because they are forced to grown and stand up for themselves and their children. Most men know that because they've knewn a single parent . I've meet men that respect single moms for the fact that they have know other single moms whether their own mom or someone in their family that faced adversity and pushed through it only to come out on the other side. Men are looking for women that have some of the same qualities as their own mom whether strength, loyal, gentle, understanding, humor etc. What better way than to witness a mom with her own children? When you have a child with that person, it may be a little late to find out this person is not the wholesome person you thought they were when you met. While there are cons to dating single parents, there are also many pros.
I like dad's because it tells me they are responsible and stand up. When I see a single dad involved and present with his kids it tells me alot about this person's character, his strength and determination. You can rarely tell that from a single person when you first meet them because everyone puts on their best face when you start dating. But a person's character, integrity, strength, drive and determination can tell me many things if this person is relationship quality. Some people say I can tell if I want to date someone by the way they treat their mom or a waitress. But can't you tell even more by the way they treat their own children? Of course, you can tell.
Anyone you date is going to have some issue. It's only human. Drama in the family, work, sex life etc. You have to choose the issue that you can deal with.
No, I am however a self-proclaimed realist and somewhat sensible person until I become inebriated from a night out.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jillabean
You can have equal priorities in life... everything doesn't need to be in a hierarchy. And it's very easy for people to share importance. And easy example... say you have two sons. Are they not equally as important to you? Or can you only have a favorite and a least favorite? I know some people do, but others love equally.
That said, you aren't going to be most people's #1 priority in life if you are just dating them; even if they don't have kids. Becoming a priority in someone's life is something that develops overtime as a relationship develops. For example, say you have a woman in your life who is getting a great job elsewhere and she wants you to move with her. Would you give up your job and friends for a woman you are "just dating?" Now what if she is your girlfriend? What if she's your wife?
I am not saying you should date single moms. You don't want to and I don't think you should. It's not your thing. I am just pointing out that your reasoning for it is flawed. There is no reasoning/thinking it though. It's how you feel and based your emotions (and that's perfectly fine).
My guess is the "self-proclaimed realist and sensible person" hasn't truly figured out the realities of life yet. (Although some never do.)
Single moms are desirable to those who find single moms desirable. Period. I have no idea who they are, but as a young, childless dude in his 20s, it's not me or many of my friends in the same age group. Most of us still have plenty of living we want to do prior to raising a child; things you can't really do that much of when you have an infant/toddler/child running around. It's probably going to be older dudes who also have children or who desire to have children in their lives.
In most cases, that probably means people who are like you (has kids) and who are close to you in age. A lot of people's problems with dating is that they think they're too good for or above a certain group of people, not realizing that they, in fact, are in the same exact group as the one they shun.
All this talk of single moms being undateable and undesirable...
Will it always be the case for single moms? Do you ever become desirable again in the dating pool?
As a single dad that went through this, let me explain my opinion.
1) Depends on age.
2) You will generally be less attractive than someone without kids...if you are younger. Most of the older dating pool everyone has kids so it's less of an issue.
3) Drama associated with ex and so forth factors in too.
4) The dating scene shifts from the 20-35 scene into the 35+ scene into the 50+ scene. Some people don't get that and think it's "kids" when there are lots of factors in play.
Now for the reality check.
The main causes to people disappointed in or having trouble dating relates primarily to poor decisions in searching or unrealistic standards. (This is uni-sex advice fyi)
For example, Bob aged 24 jobless, living off his parents and playing in a band can still get tons of women.
Bob aged 40 in the same circumstance....not so much and if he doesn't re-evaluate his standards he's going to be dateless.
(Re-evaluate standards is a reality based version of the alternative "don't settle" argument).
Really, this becomes like a couple who had a child together. When the child is born, the husband doesn't just go to the back burner. They recognize a new priority in their lives, and in addition, recognize the importance to put time and effort into making sure their own relationship grows and remains a priority.
The rest of your post was well said and accurate, but this last point I have to disagree to some extent based on what I have seen from others.
A lot of time the child DOES come an overwhelming priority to the point that one or both partners cannot cope, and divorce eventually ensues...
Whether it's the woman's fault for not giving the husband enough attention, or the man's fault for having "too high" expectations after a child... it's irrelevant, but it does happen, and is quite common.
I was going to post to him "what do you think happens when your OWN CHILD is born"...
I think he is hung up on the "it's not my child, so I don't care, have zero responsibility for "IT" attitude", but he just might be completely selfish and ill fit to be a parent or have any living thing in his responsibility
Single mothers become desirable again when their children are gone from the home.
But do the math, if she had them when she was 21-26, now they are gone- she would be possibly mid to late 40's depending on when they launched out of the "living at home" situation.
According to my male friends and colleagues (I'm female and single no kids) at about 45 women are not really desirable anymore, as they say "they've hit their expiration date".
So single moms would have a better chance dating when the kids are younger maybe?
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(Although some never do.)