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Old 02-01-2015, 09:17 AM
 
2,776 posts, read 3,969,192 times
Reputation: 3049

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It's not about "giving in" or "not giving in" - your description of events is enough to see that there are other issues. For example the "hypothyroidism" - it's ridiculous. So your wife's problem is that she is tired and has foggy thinking in her own words. Well she needs to get her health on track, it's basic, logical, and needs to happen. Diet and Exercise will help her the most - much more than prescription meds and doctor visits. Since you yourself feel run down and depressed, you both will benefit from a major diet change. Cut out processed foods, gluten, fast food, milk and cheese, corn syrup and inorganic produce. Start supplementing your new clean diet with you each going to the gym once a day for a few minutes of cardio and body weight exercises.

Also research online natural cures for thyroid issues (and causes of thyroid cancer) so that you can really educate yourself on your wife's potential medical condition. You would be surprised, the medical profession is so quick to prescribe meds and dismiss natural remedies, but there is a ton of great information out there on how to regain and maintain your thyroid health by consuming the right things.

It is a major lifestyle change I am suggesting. With the diet change your daughter's behavior may itself get a lot better too. I am about 10 years "post" where you are today and I wish I had known and done these things at your age as it could have saved my marriage and made a happier me. I didn't know where my energy was going, I didn't know why I felt tired so often and so unhappy with so much... diet really did impact things this much! My family's diet when to pot when we started trying to save money and the energy/health changes started so subtly that we didn't notice our health declines. My suspicion is that something similar is happening to you today. Read up on how to eat/be healthy.

Now regarding having another child - your instincts are right on target. Having another child right now would be the worst thing you could do for your relationship and family. Get things on track health wise for your existing family, and make certain everyone has enough energy to function well (and with fair division of labor) and find joy in what they are currently doing before adding another member into the mix. Having a child will not make your wife happy! She needs to get her health in order, physical and mental so that she can find joy within herself. Already you "stepped down" at work which was a major sign that something is wrong in my opinion, something is wrong with your situation. Get it back on track and "step it up again." Then consider having another child.
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Old 02-01-2015, 09:26 AM
 
Location: Katonah, NY
21,192 posts, read 25,116,307 times
Reputation: 22275
I can actually understand both sides of this. I think that you are being much more practical - but I can understand what may be going on her head to a certain degree. I don't think that the desire for a baby is always logical - and at times, it may well go against all reason. It sounds like she genuinely wants another baby - and after having a miscarriage and having no other pregnancies, she probably has some tunnel vision going on. All she can see is the light at the end of the tunnel - and that is a baby. She has lost sight of what is going on her real life - i.e. - your depression, your problems with your 6 year old, the toll her medical problems have taken on all of you, etc. All she can probably focus on is how happy she'll be when she has this next baby. She may feel like all of the problems will go away and she'll feel complete and happy. I may be COMPLETELY off base here - but that is the feeling that I got from your post and your other posts. I also know many women that have had trouble conceiving - and observing them from the outside, it seems like a kind of mania to have a baby sets in . Sometimes it is shared by the husbands and sometimes not. As someone who has had a miscarriage myself, I will say that I was absolutely devastated. But I also got pregnant again about 2 months after that resulted in a healthy baby boy. So my devastation was fairly short lasting. But I know other women that couldn't get pregnant right away after a miscarriage or stillborn - and I think it makes the miscarriage or stillbirth that much harder to get over. It's probably hard for her to look at her life now and throw in the towel. It makes sense for her to focus her energy on getting herself well, taking care of your 6 year old, and working on your marriage - but I'm not sure that she is capable of doing that on her own. It might take a therapist or someone to get her back on track. So sorry you are having to go through all of this. And I agree with you - I don't think adding another child to the mix is the answer. Like I've said before - children oftentimes only exacerbate problems - not fix them.
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Old 02-01-2015, 09:29 AM
 
Location: Central IL
20,726 posts, read 16,283,321 times
Reputation: 50370
Quote:
Originally Posted by mbuszu View Post
It's not about "giving in" or "not giving in" - your description of events is enough to see that there are other issues. For example the "hypothyroidism" - it's ridiculous. So your wife's problem is that she is tired and has foggy thinking in her own words. Well she needs to get her health on track, it's basic, logical, and needs to happen. Diet and Exercise will help her the most - much more than prescription meds and doctor visits. Since you yourself feel run down and depressed, you both will benefit from a major diet change. Cut out processed foods, gluten, fast food, milk and cheese, corn syrup and inorganic produce. Start supplementing your new clean diet with you each going to the gym once a day for a few minutes of cardio and body weight exercises.

Also research online natural cures for thyroid issues (and causes of thyroid cancer) so that you can really educate yourself on your wife's potential medical condition. You would be surprised, the medical profession is so quick to prescribe meds and dismiss natural remedies, but there is a ton of great information out there on how to regain and maintain your thyroid health by consuming the right things.
With all due respect....being diagnosed as hypothyroid is a bit beyond self-diagnosing yourself as being tired, assuming it is related to the thyroid, then self-treating with some unproven "natural" remedy, then declaring yourself cured and professing that "cure" will work for most everyone. That's not even close to reality for someone who is truly hypothyroid.

Being hypothyroid can take a fair amount of experimenting (with a doctor's help) on different dosages of thyroid hormones and possibly different combination. Changing a dose often means waiting 6 weeks to see the full effect, re-evaluating, changing the dose and waiting another 6 weeks - in other words, considerable time. Also, being hypothyroid can affect the ability to get pregnant in itself, regardless of any other issues you might be having.

Being hypo can be exhausting and depressing and should not be underestimated - I'd suggest getting to a well-qualified endocrinologist and getting full labs done including T4, FT4, FT3, as well as vitamins D3 and B12 which are known to affect the absorption of thyroid hormone.

Yes, and get into therapy/mediation with someone experienced with reproductive/family issues.
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Old 02-01-2015, 09:50 AM
 
324 posts, read 426,398 times
Reputation: 632
My concern, and should be your wife's as well, is that you had to take a step down at work. That's a slippery slope for your career, which provides financial stability for your family. Does your wife know you had to do this? That fact alone would be enough to put off having another child right now.
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Old 02-01-2015, 09:51 AM
 
11,768 posts, read 10,239,242 times
Reputation: 3444
Quote:
Originally Posted by reneeh63 View Post
With all due respect....being diagnosed as hypothyroid is a bit beyond self-diagnosing yourself as being tired, assuming it is related to the thyroid, then self-treating with some unproven "natural" remedy, then declaring yourself cured and professing that "cure" will work for most everyone. That's not even close to reality for someone who is truly hypothyroid.

Being hypothyroid can take a fair amount of experimenting (with a doctor's help) on different dosages of thyroid hormones and possibly different combination. Changing a dose often means waiting 6 weeks to see the full effect, re-evaluating, changing the dose and waiting another 6 weeks - in other words, considerable time. Also, being hypothyroid can affect the ability to get pregnant in itself, regardless of any other issues you might be having.

Being hypo can be exhausting and depressing and should not be underestimated - I'd suggest getting to a well-qualified endocrinologist and getting full labs done including T4, FT4, FT3, as well as vitamins D3 and B12 which are known to affect the absorption of thyroid hormone.

Yes, and get into therapy/mediation with someone experienced with reproductive/family issues.
+1 Beat me to it.
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Old 02-01-2015, 09:54 AM
 
Location: U.S.A.
19,638 posts, read 20,130,445 times
Reputation: 28747
Healthy babies are not conceived under stress and aprehension.. Happy families are not created that way either. May you all get back to good health & happiness first with what you have now.
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Old 02-01-2015, 10:01 AM
 
Location: Oklahoma
535 posts, read 514,193 times
Reputation: 482
I understand why you don't way to have another child. That said, yes this will cause resentment forever. I had a nearly 10 year marriage where he suddenly said he didn't want kids a year before we agreed we'd start trying. It was unbearable for me. He had his reasons too (nothing as serious as yours, but still reasonable) but I thought we could fix them. He didn't. I was unable to get over it.

Is there any chance of you reconsidering when your daughter gets older? Maybe 11 or 12? I know preteens can be hard too but will she be slightly more independent.

It hurts to give this advice, but don't give in. A child is not something to give in about, no matter what side of the coin you're on. If there's a chance of you being ok with it in the future then tell your wife that. BUT ONLY if there's a real chance. Good luck. You sound like a hardworking, good man.
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Old 02-01-2015, 10:10 AM
 
5,401 posts, read 6,498,108 times
Reputation: 12017
Whoa. You & your wife are overwhelmed. Stress is your present fuel. You need to sit down and discuss how to downsize your expectations maybe with help of counselor. Health issues are much easier to address if you both not over stressed. Your daughter may be having troubles because you are all overwrought.

You, as a family, need find a sensible do-able balance of daily activities--- so you can all be happier. Also as family take time to walk as exercise & stress relief and eat healthy-- no fried, no sugar -- foods.

Everyone needs to de-stress. Cut out excess tv, digital intrusion, and do some simple things as family. Taking a job step down may bite you later, so you need also address that. Getting healthy as family will help you figure out if more children is good or bad idea. Your wife does not need additional stress of feeling like failure in that department.

So everyone needs cut each other some slack & find simple ways to enjoy life. It is all about the journey not the destination. Good luck.
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Old 02-01-2015, 11:03 AM
 
Location: Lebanon, OH
7,060 posts, read 8,900,924 times
Reputation: 14709
It sounds like you have enough on your plate as it is, having another kid will sap your energy and finances and just add to your stress.

My wife and I only had one and I think if we would have had a second we would have been strapped financially and unable to save anything for retirement.
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Old 02-01-2015, 11:13 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,126 posts, read 107,381,087 times
Reputation: 115947
Quote:
Originally Posted by reneeh63 View Post
Therapy might help her focus on the daughter you have rather than perhaps over-reaching for another. She may not be entirely rational at this point so getting another party involved might help.

Be sure though that you don't unilaterally choose that person or she'll see it as you further pushing your agenda.
This. She seems to be stuck in grief over the miscarriage, and that's affecting her perception of the current situation. She wants another child to make up for the miscarriage, but she doesn't see that the child you already have is a handful.

You: get some parenting classes to figure out why your daughter is not responding well to you.
Her: therapy to help with processing the miscarriage and the difficulty conceiving.

After the above, both of you can reassess, and see if you need couples counseling, or if the problems have begun to resolve.

Thyroid: see if you can find a doc who doesn't accept insurance. They're expensive, but they can get to the bottom of things pretty quickly. Insurance pressures its docs to avoid the expensive advanced thyroid testing.
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