Have been in a singles group(over 40) for a month and I think I am on the outs. (guys, 2013)

[senecaman]

So here its Saturday evening when I was supposed to have a singles group night out that I had organized and everyone from the group either canceled or didn't want to do anything to night.In Greenville I noticed on the meetup schedule there were several singles groups that were going out tonight (apparently if your not in a relationship you can go out on Valentines Day unless your in my singles group).So my event for tonight falls apart and then I cant call anyone from the group just to go hangout(no one likes to give you their phone number so I cant call anyone) even though I have been in the the group long enough to be an organizer. Basically what I have found out is that the motto of my so called group is "what do you expect of us-we're just not very social people".

[Stagemomma]

I think you are spending way too much time obsessing about what this group ISN'T and thinking about how to flog them into shape, rather than devoting your energies to joining a better group OR starting one of your own.

And I think you are coming on too strong.

[carnivalday]

You need to read this thread again. You must enjoy bashing your head against a brick wall, because you continue to do it.

You've been told what you need to do. You just ignore it. So go ahead and organize some more singles meet ups, worry and fret if anyone is going to show up, and when they dont, wonder why in the world didnt anyone come? Face it, you don't have a singles group. You have you. You've met all those people in that particular small group, you didnt hit it off with anyone. Find another group.

Join up meetings, even if an hour away, that ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING LIKE BIKE RIDING OR DANCING (yes, Im yelling, because I dont think you are listening).

Those women you are talking about and obsessing over? I bet they would date, if they met someone that interested them. You don't. Find someone who does.

[stepka]

Yes I agree that u need to find another group. This group dynamic is ubiquitous and I swear that inner circle of women can be found in every club, church, school, workplace, etc in the nation. I call them the gatekeepers and they can't seem to feel important unless they're searching out and destroying "the wrong type." I know because even tho I'm female I am usually the wrong type. I can do one of several things--go elsewhere, befriend one of those women, or wait for group dynamics to change, and they often do.

[senecaman]

I will tell what I like to do and if anyone has an idea whether I should start a new group or join several groups it would be appreciated. I like to go to new restaurants (with in reason price wise , which is easy in our area where we have a lot of reasonable priced new restaurants).I like going to happy hours with friends .I can't drink but I like to go just to hang out and talk to people. I am just fine with a glass of seltzer water with lime all night(no one seems to care what you're drinking anyway).I would like to be in a group where you go out to hear live music and then go out for early breakfast or for brunch later in the morning. I like to be able to get to know the guys well enough in a group to be able to get together from time to time for "guys night out".I have always thought it was important to have male friends to hang out with to shoot pool, throw darts or play cards with.

I like the outdoors but I have an issue with fatigue and I cant hike up mountains. Short hikes or camping trips that aren't too far back off in the forest would be good. And drives in the mountains (I live near the Blue Ridge Mountains)are great. I do work out but the gym has not been much of a place to meet people(other than a few people that I talk to at the gym but I don't see otherwise but not for lack of trying).

One thing I would like to get better at is dancing.Nothing complicated that takes long lessons but just learning something simple to be able to dance a few minutes on the floor. There is a place I have been to a few times to hear live music and after the band is done playing the place becomes a dance party for the rest of the night. So far I have listened to the music, had some chit chat with people there(had some good conversations) but I haven't asked a woman to dance yet. That is something I would like to do. Its been a long time since I asked a woman to dance.

So do I start a group or join several groups that reflect my interests(dining out, some outdoor activities ect) ?

One thing that the singles group did for me was that until 6 weeks ago I hadn't really gone out much in over 2 years. Since I started in the group I go out more and stay out later and I have flirted with a few of the women even though as a whole the women of the group seem pretty socially apathetic. I have done some of what I have wanted to do in this group(go to some new restaurants and happy hours).Last week I had ice cream and coffee with a woman in the group(she didn't want me to walk her to her car though lol-the women in the group can be so peculiar.I walked to her to her car anyway since it was parked on a dark side street). And there is one guy in the group I have become friends with to a degree and he is interested in my idea of setting up a "guys night out" with the guys in our group. For better or worse (and this singles group can be a major pain for a lot of reasons) I have made some progress.

[senecaman]

LOL well finally the Coup De Gras. One singles group member told me this and this is verbatim.

"as an organizer you come on too strong and push people to come which really pushes people away. You seem more satisfied in getting everyone to do what you want instead of what they want."

Did I push yeah I did but the calendar for the group was and is about empty.I feel like they are just blaming me because they want to be such a loosely organized group that they barely know each other and stupid me tried to get unsocial people to be social so they put me in my place.

As I said before one of the guys already told me that a lot of the girls don't really care to date and that the group tended to draw in as he put it "damaged personalities". So now they blame me(and its the women who are blaming me-the few guys in the group could care less) for trying to make a calendar of events that was more social and more regularly scheduled when the members would rather come and go to the extent that no one really knows anyone. And rather than give me any constructive feedback they just pouted and did their passive aggressive thing by just not attending my events all the while never making any attempt to propose any of their own. And they wont. They are for the most part too scared to actually plan and host an event themselves. The calendar for this month has few events and its the same for next month.The whole reason for me planning more social events was that the lead organizer was only putting things on there that she liked and if 1 or 2 others showed up she didn't care . She didn't and still doesn't plan events that will draw in new members or that might possible get a larger turnout.They didn't have a happy hour till I put it on the schedule. The ones who attended the happy hour said they liked the event but who knows with them.Now I am just to pushy.So I guess they never wanted to go.Classic passive aggressive behavior. Even if I do what they want which is to not organize events all that will happened is that the calendar will remain close to empty.When I first started in the group they would do something on Thursdays and Saturdays but then the events dropped way off.The people who had planned those events when I first got into the group were not the lead organizer or her friends , they were other members and once they got more involved in other meetup groups the lead organizer didn't take up the slack at all and I was crazy enough to try. I even told someone as a joke the whole thing could blow up in my face because I was trying to make the group more social and sure enough it did.

I did organizing work professionally in politics( I worked with a team mostly so nothing was solely my responsibility and I can't ever recall being called pushy till now-I usually took orders not give them so I didn't push anyone) but I had never thought about organizing anything for a singles group.I was in a singles group years ago but the events were well attended and regularly scheduled and though I hosted 2 events over more than a years time for the most part I just showed up to events without a care in the world because it was the girls that kept everything running. I would bring some beer .lol But this group just seemed to be cruising to nowhere with no structure whatsoever and I stepped in (more than they wanted although what I wanted to do was add 2 events to the schedule for the month and that was too much for them).

I guess its just a difference in personalities. Happens all the time in the business world. I just got burned I figure.

[UC18]

Originally Posted by G0DDESS

That group you described sounds lame. I would've BEEN out by now.

Agreed. I'm a little concerned about the OP's self-esteem that he even felt the need to run this by us first before moving on.

[senecaman]

Until I gave it a lot of thought I didn't have many ideas that would be alternatives to the singles group

I have been thinking a lot about alternatives but I still need to stay in the singles group.Its local ,I get to go out more than I did for a long time , and some of the people do like me. I think I will organize less events though and put the ball back in the hands of the lead organizers and pursue these ideas I have come up with between singles group events. The women of the group need to learn for themselves that they will have to invest more in this group(organizing events and showing up for them) for it to work. If they won't do that more guys won't attend and there aren't that many guys active in the group now. I was in a singles group years ago and it was kept running by the girls. Most in that group got married and to someone in the group.

This is what I have come up with so far.

1 Cultivate on an individual basis relationships with the women in the singles group who do like me and see if we like to do similar things that we might get put on the group calendar.(Working on this now)

2. Cultivate friendships with as many of the guys as possible in the singles group and have a "guys night out" and do things outside the regular group schedule. I am working on this now and so far I have 2 other guys who want to go out to meet other women and to just have a good time .

3 .I have always wanted to learn to dance and I am checking out a group about an hour away that teaches "West Coast Swing" every Tuesday night.

4. I have always liked flat water paddling a lot.I had forgotten about wanting to do this and I saw a meetup group that was going paddling this spring and it reminded me that I wanted to get a sea kayak some time ago. I am checking into buying a used sea kayak and I have asked a member of my singles group who kayaks to help me find one.

5.I need exercise beyond working out at Golds Gym and bicycling sounds like a good thing and a way to meet people. I have looked at some bikes already.

I do have ideas about things to do other than just the singles group ( and about how best to play the cards I have been dealt within the singles group) but it did take me some time to figure out what they were and I think things will still take time to fall into place.

One thing on my wish list is that I would like to find a woman who could show me some simple dance moves to use on the dance floor for when we go occasionally to clubs on Saturday nights. I might have to learn some steps from youtube lol.They have that kind of thing on there.

[UC18]

Based on the amount of typing alone that you're putting into this, I can imagine that you made things a lot more intense than people were looking for. It sounds like they wanted something more laid back and casual. I don't think anyone was "putting you in your place," I think they were just looking for something different than you were.

[senecaman]

I joined a new group recently(foodie /dining out group) but now to get to those events I will have to drive at least an hour .Most of the people in the group live spread out in the Greenville SC area and I am about an hour west of downtown (and moving to Greenville at this time is not an option).So how do I avoid or can I avoid being the guy from the Seneca /Clemson area? I am hoping over time that maybe some people over here in my area join this Greenville group I am in (3 people from my singles group are in it)and I can make friends with them ,carpool to Greenville ect. I just hope the distance I live from Greenville doesn't make me an outsider. It is a much more active group than my singles group and my first event is tomorrow night. We are going to a meet for drinks then go to a Thai restaurant.