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Expect nothing in return. Everyone was raised differently. Do not expect someone to do things YOU do, just because you do them. If you're truly friends with someone, does it matter how often they call, what they give, where they invite you? Be the best friend you can, if you truly enjoy the person and the time they DO have to give you, and leave it at that.
That's my view, anyway. If I'm feeling pressured, it's not worth it.
if it's all about reciprocation its not a friendship
its a social obligation?
If I am going to have a good friendship with someone, that does require some effort on both our parts in terms of getting together to do things. Since my family is all on the West Coast, I tend to take my close friendships seriously. I enjoy doing favors for friends if asked. And it would be nice if at some point in the future, they did someone nice for me back as an acknowledgment of my favor. And this sort of friendship I would consider a productive and non-toxic one.
But if an acquaintance is someone that is always taking but not giving back in any sort of manner, then that person is a thoughtless user and I'd rather not have their presence in my life at all. The acquaintance we banished from our lives was one such user. He mooched beer and food from every gathering. He gave stupid input when it wasn't needed on an easy car maintenance job, and caused the job to go horribly bad when a small nut fell into the open engine and into the murky oil. Luckily, once the oil was drained and the oil pan dropped, the nut was recovered. But that little stunt added a tense hour to the simple project of adjusting the engine valves. Then, he skipped out of our friend's apartment without notice to move to a place near our house, and thought we'd still want to talk to him. Finally, we fixed his broken car and had to chase him down a month later to get the car part back because he wouldn't pay for it. He was an extreme case, and no way we'd ever want this sort of person in our lives ever again. And people like him are the reason that I keep an eye on the flow of give and take in my friendships.
There are only 24 hours in a day and seven days in a week. And plenty of friend fish in the sea. And that is why I weed out the losers from my life. If someone is unable to be a good friend (and imo it's not difficult to figure that out), then they are a casual acquaintance to be nodded to but not to break bread with. No more thoughtless goodtime Charlies or Charlottes for me. I refuse to be a doormat to anyone.
I know that I sound like a negative person, but I was venting. In the past, if there was a friend with potential, I would try to coach them and help them be a better friend to others. Like if someone did something nice for them, then I would drop a hint as to a way for them to reciprocate back. The guy I banished was a thoughtless alcoholic party animal.
I guess this all comes down to being proactive about your friendship and relationship maintenance, not letting the small annoyances build up and having good communication with these people. If we are willing to talk to our SO about the issues, we should also be willing to be as open with our friends. To have a "friend" and to always be stuck being the giver to them seems to be a very unhealthy and passive approach to friendships imo.
Reciprocation is something that the receiver does if they have the time, ability, and desire. Under no circumstances should a receiver feel any obligation whatsoever to reciprocate. An obligation to reciprocate can very quickly make the giver a burden to the receiver.
The giver should never expect anything in return. To expect otherwise makes the gesture insincere.
When I talk about reciprocation I'm not talking about tangible things. I have done nice things for people, bought little gifts off the cuff, and I expect nothing of that sort in return. However, to maintain any type of relationship there has to be mutual give and take. If you always initiate a get together, then the person gives repeated poor and unbelievable excuses for not following through, is that to be accepted from a potential friend? If they never show of their own accord that they think anything about you, then what? Are they just not to be burdened with giving you a call sometimes or suggesting getting together. That seems one-sided, not a friendship.
Expect nothing in return. Everyone was raised differently. Do not expect someone to do things YOU do, just because you do them. If you're truly friends with someone, does it matter how often they call, what they give, where they invite you? Be the best friend you can, if you truly enjoy the person and the time they DO have to give you, and leave it at that.
That's my view, anyway. If I'm feeling pressured, it's not worth it.
Then to add to my previous post, if I am the only one who calls or emails to initiate personal contact, if plans to get together or phone calls made are often "forgotten", how do I know whether the person even likes me? It's not that I think they should do what I do, but if they do NOTHING and actually act as if they really aren't too concerned about me, is this a friend?
How long do you continue to put in all the effort if the person isn't showing you the same level of interest? People can say anything because they think it's nice or it makes them look good. But I can only judge by actions. So she says she wants to work on being a better friend, then five days later doesn't bother to call to walk out together. Only after getting "caught" then she says she's going to call me tomorrow, and still doesn't call. I've shown that I'm open and interested so where is the pressure? I'm sorry, to me it translates into, "I'm just not that into you."
Originally Posted by doglover29
"What is your opinion on the concept of reciprocation in friendships? For instance, if you do a nice gesture for a friend, do you ever expect one in return?"
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pragmaniac
Absolutely not.
Reciprocation is something that the receiver does if they have the time, ability, and desire. Under no circumstances should a receiver feel any obligation whatsoever to reciprocate. An obligation to reciprocate can very quickly make the giver a burden to the receiver.
The giver should never expect anything in return. To expect otherwise makes the gesture insincere.
This makes things very clear & simple, yes? In the end, I think it goes back to the motive of the heart.
Expect nothing in return. Everyone was raised differently. Do not expect someone to do things YOU do, just because you do them. If you're truly friends with someone, does it matter how often they call, what they give, where they invite you? Be the best friend you can, if you truly enjoy the person and the time they DO have to give you, and leave it at that.
That's my view, anyway. If I'm feeling pressured, it's not worth it.
I think that there is a point that if you notice that you are always taking, and not thinking of giving back in some way, then the honorable thing to do is to stop taking from that person. Don't keep thoughtlessly taking, just because it's offered. What if someone is a giver giving in hopes of gaining a real friend?
I was raised to be aware of how to use my intuition and observational skills in order be a good giver, however my mom also taught me that in accepting a gift, there would be consequences. So it is my sense of fairness and guilt that would never let me be only a taker in a relationship.
Also, a good friend is also a good listener. That's another thing that ticks me off! When someone is constantly talking about themselves, whether it's about their problems or how amazing they are, but they never pause and care to listen to anyone else within earshot. Again, reciprocation is important. Real friends listen as well as talk to each other because they care about each other.
Then to add to my previous post, if I am the only one who calls or emails to initiate personal contact, if plans to get together or phone calls made are often "forgotten", how do I know whether the person even likes me? It's not that I think they should do what I do, but if they do NOTHING and actually act as if they really aren't too concerned about me, is this a friend?
How long do you continue to put in all the effort if the person isn't showing you the same level of interest? People can say anything because they think it's nice or it makes them look good. But I can only judge by actions. So she says she wants to work on being a better friend, then five days later doesn't bother to call to walk out together. Only after getting "caught" then she says she's going to call me tomorrow, and still doesn't call. I've shown that I'm open and interested so where is the pressure? I'm sorry, to me it translates into, "I'm just not that into you."
ditto, that's how I see it.
I do have friends that I give to without even thinking (and i'm not just saying "things," i'll write little messages to, or text message at random -- most of my friends live far away, btw), and it might be a month or two later when i hear back and get something sweet back, and that's fine.
But when its someone that I feel like I'm making all the effort with, and it DOES seem like they only get in touch with me when they want something, then I do kind of write it off as "oh do they even like me? or are they just using me for [fill in the blank]? i'm not going to bother anymore."
But when its someone that I feel like I'm making all the effort with, and it DOES seem like they only get in touch with me when they want something, then I do kind of write it off as "oh do they even like me? or are they just using me for [fill in the blank]? i'm not going to bother anymore."
you can really only give so much to SOME people.
Yes, this is obviously a lesson that I needed to learn, and probably should have learned it through others before this latest person. I almost take on the cause so personally that I begin to feel that the lack of effort from the other person is because of a problem with me. Rationally, I know this isn't true but I feel it anyway. Then the anger replaces that. This is where I am today. How dare someone take my genuineness and kindness and try to play me for a fool. Giving me poor lame excuses that even a five year old wouldn't believe. Telling me I'm their friend and they want to be a better friend to me, then completely showing that they think nothing about me. As if I can't see all of it for what it really is. I just can't excuse the behavior anymore by thinking that maybe she doesn't really know any better. She has to know what she is doing and not doing.
If I didn't have this board right now I would probably be saying all of this to her right now in an email. I have made the firm decision to cut off all contact and I am praying for the strength to maintain my silence.
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Agree very much....
