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I am 27 and he is 31. We both are divorced and with children. I with a boy (6) and a girl (2) and he with a boy (4). We have been friends for years, and even through our previous marriages -- Nothing like that. I have been separated and divorced for going on 2 years now and he for 1. We dated off and on and became serious in August 2014. Our homes are 30 minutes apart -- He in KY and I in TN. His ex-wife has relocated an hour away in her hometown in TN. We are trying to sell his home in KY (where his family lives) so that he may get his son 50/50, like I get mine, and how he and his ex agreed to when she lived in KY. His mother, grandmother, and pretty much all of his mother's side (including his ex-wife) all believe because of our previous friendship and our current relationship that we are a cheating couple and caused our previous marriages to fail, when in reality we lost contact for a few months over the span our of relationship issues. However, I do understand where they are coming from -- we both do.
Long story short, it has been 7 months. He has since stayed with me in my home in TN and we participate in things as a "family". The children love one another and we enjoy the time spent. We honestly and truly love one another and firmly believe this is where we are supposed to be. His mother has blocked me on ALL social medias (Instagram, FaceBook, Twitter). His family does a Sunday Lunch every Sunday, and he goes every other Sunday, when he has his son. They never ask about me and my children, our lives, or our plans. I find it very hurtful that his family does not see our happiness and deliberate exclude me and my children from their daily lives, conversations, and activities. On the other hand, he has an older brother whom is married with one child. This family unit finds us extremely compatible and we have spent several weekends visiting them in their home and they advise him to just bring me over (despite their mother's outburst to keep me away and me not being welcome there). They all say this is just how she is. She doesn't like change but loves to control everyone -- as does all the other women in her family. She does not agree with their divorce and she still chats with his ex on social medias.
I have reached out to his mother once, on Twitter (because she had me blocked everywhere else). I invited her to lunch with me, my treat. I honestly just want to be adults and to have a normal relationship because I know that his family means EVERYTHING to him and I don't want to cause a huge disturbance. Instead of accepted or politely declining, she ignored me and blocked me, which seems to be the run of things. I am ignored and acted like I am a fling and will just disappear. I feel like they view me as a phase and if they act like I never happened, I didn't and I will quietly go away.
We have taken breaks because of the stress of his family being so distant and obviously disapproving. He and his son participate in all of my family functions and are considered part of the family (my mother bought his son Halloween presents, Christmas presents, and Valentines Day presents). All while his family refuses to talk about me or us. I have asked him to start talking about us when they ask him about his day or his plans by simply saying things like, "we are going to the movies...". He says he will try but he doesn't want to push his family and they will accept when they are ready.
It just hurts that he disappears and openly participates with his family and I am not invited. It almost feels like he is living a double life. I know that sounds crazy as we spend every morning and night together.
Just needing some relationship advice as how to handle this.
His mother, grandmother, and pretty much all of his mother's side (including his ex-wife) all believe because of our previous friendship and our current relationship that we are a cheating couple and caused our previous marriages to fail, when in reality we lost contact for a few months over the span our of relationship issues. However, I do understand where they are coming from -- we both do.
I don't think you need to worry about what others think of your relationship especially when they judge you base on speculation. I've known my boyfriend for a little over 14 years. We were/are best friends. I've lived in other states / countries. He served in the Marine Corps for 8 years and he has been deployed for several times (served several tours)
I have always been faithful and so much in love with the men I was with. I've never cheated. But since I am now dating my best friend, EVERYONE thought we must have cheated.
I am not saying I am a perfect angel, but cheating is something I don't do. My boyfriend has never cheated on his girlfriends either. Plus, as a combat Marine, how the hell could he possibly having a romantic relationship with ANYBODY when he was in foreign country fighting with those savages?
Don't bother to explain yourself to all these nosy people have nothing better to do. Live your life and move on. Stay away from toxic relationships and people. You are so much better than them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jenblossoms
Long story short, it has been 7 months. He has since stayed with me in my home in TN and we participate in things as a "family". The children love one another and we enjoy the time spent. We honestly and truly love one another and firmly believe this is where we are supposed to be. His mother has blocked me on ALL social medias (Instagram, FaceBook, Twitter).
Jen
Honestly, if what you typed here is all truth, his mother sounded like the biggest annoying drama queen. I've never known any adult women over 40 years old are so obsessed with Facebook. Since she is not here to defend herself, I would not judge. But the "blocking you" part is STILL quite juvenile. She could have handled the situation a little bit better.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jenblossoms
On the other hand, he has an older brother whom is married with one child. This family unit finds us extremely compatible and we have spent several weekends visiting them in their home and they advise him to just bring me over (despite their mother's outburst to keep me away and me not being welcome there). They all say this is just how she is. She doesn't like change but loves to control everyone -- as does all the other women in her family. She does not agree with their divorce and she still chats with his ex on social medias.
Jen
Bolded is more reason for you to ignore her. It is HER problem to not opening her heart for you, it is not your problem.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jenblossoms
We have taken breaks because of the stress of his family being so distant and obviously disapproving. He and his son participate in all of my family functions and are considered part of the family (my mother bought his son Halloween presents, Christmas presents, and Valentines Day presents). All while his family refuses to talk about me or us. I have asked him to start talking about us when they ask him about his day or his plans by simply saying things like, "we are going to the movies...". He says he will try but he doesn't want to push his family and they will accept when they are ready.
It just hurts that he disappears and openly participates with his family and I am not invited. It almost feels like he is living a double life. I know that sounds crazy as we spend every morning and night together.
Just needing some relationship advice as how to handle this.
Thanks in advance!
Jen
Please do not take it the wrong way, and if I sounded rude or offensive, please forgive me.
I honestly believe you are trying a little too hard (Understandable, but not necessary).
Like exuberant puppies, people without good boundaries are so excited about connecting with others, they aren’t always aware of needs outside their own. Underneath that enthusiasm lies anxiety to get what they want, which makes their behavior anything from incredibly annoying to downright rude.
Your boyfriend's mother behaves this way because she wants some kind of control. By being rude to you, she felt like she is gaining control again.
Forget trying to change the behavior—it’s ingrained.
Give your boyfriend full power to take control of his situation. Let him handling his mother, and you spend all your time enjoying yourself, him, and the children.
Best of luck.
Last edited by lilyflower3191981; 02-10-2015 at 08:57 AM..
It's really unfortunate that his mother is choosing to paint a scenario that doesn't exist, but you won't be able to do anything to dissuade her on it. She'll either come around on her own, or she won't. It's possible that, as time goes on, she'll settle down and see that nothing's changing, despite her behavior, and come to accept a situation she doesn't control...or, alternately, she won't, and will always hold you at arm's length, at best, and completely exclude you, at worst.
It's going to be on your boyfriend to handle, honestly. And the truth is, he may well choose NOT to handle it. There are some people who will absolutely stand up to family on behalf of a loved one who is being treated disrespectfully, and, really, there are some that just will not. Whether it's a power dynamic that's not going to change, whether your SO is simply not a boat-rocker by nature, whatever. He'll either address what's going on, or he won't, and you'll have to decide how you feel about that. So it's going to depend on how you feel, long-term, about potentially being excluded from everything, if your boyfriend chooses to go with the status quo.
His mother, grandmother, and pretty much all of his mother's side (including his ex-wife) all believe because of our previous friendship and our current relationship that we are a cheating couple and caused our previous marriages to fail, when in reality we lost contact for a few months over the span our of relationship issues. However, I do understand where they are coming from -- we both do.
A lot of people are giving you advice here saying how you should ignore the family that disapproves of you and how the mother has no grounds to feel this way. However, your case is different than where the family disapproves of a new relationship. You do have a history with this guy whether innocent or not. I have a few very close women friends, some of them I've known longer than my wife. If I were to ever separate and start dating one of them, you can be sure eyebrows will be raised even if completely innocent. Also, you never discussed the nature of your boyfriend's divorce. Was there cheating involved? You have every right to stay in this relationship but to some degree, the mother is also entitled to feel the way she does.
Anybody can feel anyway they want to, about anything.
That doesn't make poor treatment justified. The OP will have to determine whether or not she can live with poor treatment, because it's not likely to change. And whether or not she can live with it is likely going to depend at least partially on how her SO responds (or doesn't respond) to the situation.
Some people would address family members holding a grudge (deserved or not) against an S.O. Others will absolutely not address it. The mother in this equation is holding a grudge against the OP for what she perceives to be true, which the OP has said is not. Whether or not the relationship can go the distance is probably going to depend greatly on how the guy in question chooses to navigate this issue...whether he advocates for his current relationship or not.
I am not saying I am a perfect angel, but cheating is something I don't do. My boyfriend has never cheated on his girlfriends either. Plus, as a combat Marine, how the hell could he possibly having a romantic relationship with ANYBODY when he was in foreign country fighting with those savages?
I was thinking along these lines as maybe the shacking up is the bigger issue. As long as there is no marriage, there is always hope for the ex. If my son divorced and was playing house with his children, another woman and her children, I would have an issue. Also, the BF should be trying to smooth things over with his family not the OP. So, is this relationship heading for marriage and if not, is everyone including the kids aware of this? Or, maybe one of those friendships with "benefits"? One needs to understand that not everyone is OK with carrying on like a family when no real commitment exists.
Yes savages. Terrorists are savages, not regular civilians.
ANYWAY, stay away from toxic people, op. You cannot change opinions or behaviors. Life is too short to waste your energy.
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Terrorists are savages, not regular civilians. 
