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DO NOT!!!
DO NOT!!!
DO NOT!!!
listen to these people!!! The sound like they are miserable and expect you to be too. If you do not like/want/enjoy going over there, DO NOT go. That simple.
I almost never went over to past gfs parents home, I didn't want to go so I didn't.
My last ones parents were pretty cool. I didn't hate them by any means, but I didn't enjoy going over, so I almost never did. In almost 4 years I think I was over there 3x and saw them maybe 6. I was always invited, especially for holidays. I think I went 1 Christmas, that's it. The one after that I felt like taking a nap, so I stayed home.
Two points:
1. I you do not want to do something, don't
2. if she knows it makes you miserable and still insists on you going take a close look as if you really want to be with someone that actively tries to make you do something you do not wish to.
You are dating her, not her parents. You are not her slave of puppet. Do whatever you want.
I was in a relationship for about 15 years, and I could not stand spending more than minimal time with his family. He comes from a very close family that insists on getting together on weekends and on every single birthday. Then if anyone misses one of these engagements, they lay on the guilt trip. It doesn't matter if we just went there this past weekend, if it's Tuesday night and it's someone's birthday, we MUST go over, on a Tuesday night for "cake." "Cake" means eating crappy cake from a grocery store and sitting and hanging out for at least 3 hours listening to them talk about stuff that doesn't interest me (professional sports, local kids sports, celebrities, home brewing beer, working out and bragging about how much you've worked out), when I have things to do at home and I have to get up in the morning and go to work. They were also very intrusive, asking questions about things that are none of their business.
Five-six hours of that? Hell no.
Other people might say you're selfish, and who knows, maybe based on other things, you might be. But not based on this. We choose our partners because of our compatibility with each other, but that doesn't mean we'll be compatible with their family.
I don't even spend a lot of time with my own family. We get along just fine, and we love each other, but once every couple months for a couple hours is enough for me. I learned from that last relationship that I can't be with someone who wants or needs to be with their family so much, and wants me to be a part of it. My concept of adulthood is not having to spend inordinate amounts of time with family. Other people feel differently, and that's fine, but I'll make sure not to get in a relationship with that type again.
There were times when his family would have some "thing" at their house, and I'd tell him to go without me, and have fun. Just make up an excuse. But he would get all upset because they'll put a guilt trip on him (and then sometimes he'd attempt to put one on me). My response is that I don't even see my own family that much, why would I want to see his that much? (And that's leaving out the fact that they were very annoying).
My advice, for whatever that's worth, is: If you love this girlfriend and want to stay with her, figure out some compromise with her. Maybe you can just be expected to go with her once a month for a max of two hours. (And I would personally add in that she has to be the driver so you can drink!) The other times, she can go and enjoy herself, and just tell them you had "things to do." If she won't compromise on this, then maybe consider whether you are really right for each other.
You are selfish too... glad both sexes are getting in on this selfish game. Showing true colors here...
DO NOT!!!
DO NOT!!!
DO NOT!!!
listen to these people!!! The sound like they are miserable and expect you to be too. If you do not like/want/enjoy going over there, DO NOT go. That simple.
I almost never went over to past gfs parents home, I didn't want to go so I didn't.
My last ones parents were pretty cool. I didn't hate them by any means, but I didn't enjoy going over, so I almost never did. In almost 4 years I think I was over there 3x and saw them maybe 6. I was always invited, especially for holidays. I think I went 1 Christmas, that's it. The one after that I felt like taking a nap, so I stayed home.
Two points:
1. I you do not want to do something, don't
2. if she knows it makes you miserable and still insists on you going take a close look as if you really want to be with someone that actively tries to make you do something you do not wish to.
You are dating her, not her parents. You are not her slave of puppet. Do whatever you want.
LoL... you are single, right??
Going over to see her parents every once in a while does not make you a slave or a puppet... talk about insecurities. Is this more "alpha male" stuff?
If you see this as a long term relationship, those people might be the grandparents of your future children.
Talk to your girlfriend about this and see if she can cut them off when they start into you. Make her see the seriousness of this situation...if she doesn't help you out now, she'll never help you out with them.
Go and visit every other time, let her go alone and when you do go, set a time limit with your GF and stick to it. YOU need to set the rules along with your GF as a unified front. Her parents might complain, but they'll get used to it in time.
I mean this in the most serious way possible. Start being a man and stand up for yourself. People sometimes make catty remarks and try to steer you into decisions. As a man you should have enough testosterone to at least be alittle assertive.
I mean this in the most serious way possible. Start being a man and stand up for yourself. People sometimes make catty remarks and try to steer you into decisions. As a man you should have enough testosterone to at least be alittle assertive.
This is more "Alpha Male BS"... if he intends this to be a LTR or possible wife, you cannot just completely ignore her parents, and not spend time with them... especially for the reasons given.
I can think of a few reasons TO do this, like the parents are racists, bigots or a few other reasons, but not for the reasons he gave. Sounds like he wants to go play golf or hang with the boys... in other words, not ready for a real relationship
I certainly can understand why it is hard for you to be around your gf's relatives, particularly because I have been on the receiving end of needless and insensitive "jokes" directed at me and nosy unasked for "advice" from relatives (and friends btw) of my ex-bf's and my ex-husband, while they sat there and said nothing in my defense. I did not have enough assertiveness to take up for myself and it hurt me so much as I tried very hard to get along with all of these folks yet they seemed to get off at saying demeaning things to me and offering their "two cents worth" when it wasn't worth a penny to me and none of their business sometimes.
Unless you or your gf nip this in the bud and have a talk with the ones who are engaging in this behavior it sounds like this is something you are going to just have to deal with and the more you can ignore whatever flies out of their mouths and keep it from hitting you in the face, the better. A couple of times, when I was pushed to my limit, upset that one of my ex bf's or hub sat there and said nothing, I let the loud mouth(s) have it and told them I didn't know what I did to po them, but I found their nasty comments to and about me to be very rude and hurtful. That seemed to take the air out of their sails for awhile anyhow.
As for the length of time of your visits, I can tell you I spent weekends with my in-laws, not just four or five hours. I did it for my ex-husband and I was so in love with him that although I was uncomfortable some of the time I knew it was my choice (no one is forcing you to visit them--you are doing it willingly as I was) and there are some things I needed to do more for our relationship than for myself.
You are selfish too... glad both sexes are getting in on this selfish game. Showing true colors here...
Hmm, I'm selfish because I said that he and his girlfriend should make some compromise in which he doesn't have to spend 6 hours several times a month with her relatives? So compromise=selfish? Interesting.
Hmm, I'm selfish because I said that he and his girlfriend should make some compromise in which he doesn't have to spend 6 hours several times a month with her relatives? So compromise=selfish? Interesting.
Firstoff, it was a COUPLE times a month... I read that as twice, or 1/15th's of the days of a given month, for a grand total of 12 hours a month... do you want to do the math. Two "half days" in a given month. Not "several", which I read as 4 or more?
Yes, that's not compromise, it's selfish... you cannot spin this any other way.
If the OP does not like the GF's parents, he needs to leave her and go back to playing video games or whatever it is he wants to do. Chances are, he drags her to places she does not want to be for more than 12 hours a month. I am going to go out on a limb and say that.
Who's not compromising again???
And this is family we are talking about here, she's not trying to drag him out to her bunco group or a amway party or some feminine BS like that, it's visiting HER family. Maybe she hates his family and is keeping the F quiet about it, because it's the right thing to do... I mean who really LIKES their in-laws?
Firstoff, it was a COUPLE times a month... I read that as twice, or 1/15th's of the days of a given month, for a grand total of 12 hours a month... do you want to do the math. Two "half days" in a given month. Not "several", which I read as 4 or more?
Yes, that's not compromise, it's selfish... you cannot spin this any other way.
If the OP does not like the GF's parents, he needs to leave her and go back to playing video games or whatever it is he wants to do. Chances are, he drags her to places she does not want to be for more than 12 hours a month. I am going to go out on a limb and say that.
Who's not compromising again???
And this is family we are talking about here, she's not trying to drag him out to her bunco group or a amway party or some feminine BS like that, it's visiting HER family. Maybe she hates his family and is keeping the F quiet about it, because it's the right thing to do... I mean who really LIKES their in-laws?
To me, it has less to do with liking the partner's family or not, and more about spending inordinate amounts of time with either partner's family. You seem to be one of those people who seems very family-focused even as an adult. But understand that many of us aren't like that. Like I said in my first post, it's probably best for family-centered people to hook up with other family-centered people, and non-family-centered people to hook up. But if a family-centered person and non-family-centered person fall in love, they will need to compromise.
Six hour visits even twice a month is inordinate to me. Even if the family members are perfectly delightful. Hell, a six hour visits even once a month seems pretty excessive to me.
You suggest that the OP go along with these 6 hour visits and that this is "compromise." But a compromise is when both parties give something. What is the girlfriend giving in your compromise?
A fair compromise would be her agreeing to go on some of these visits alone, shortening the visits he goes along on, and him trying hard to be pleasant during those visits, and not complaining about being neglected when she goes alone on the 6-hour visits.
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