Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Set boundaries. Tell your girlfriend that if you go, then you would like to leave at X time. When you accept the invitation, make it clear that you will only be able to stay until X time. Don't do it in a complainy way that makes you seem childish to her, or her defense will go up. Express how you feel and resist insulting her family or blaming anyone. Address her as being on your side already, not as an enemy to your interests.
If the family wants to know why you've set a time to leave, you don't owe them much explanation. Resist coming up with an excuse.
How important family is to someone is a compatibility issue too. It's something that will get bigger, not smaller, over time as the relationship goes on and possibly gets more serious. If you are not the kind who wants to be really close to family, spending several days a month for hours at a time at their house, that's fine. But that's obviously what your gf prefers. Is she willing to compromise too? Not just shortening the visits, but maybe even reducing them by one or more visits a month. This is a perfect testing ground to see how you resolve issues that you feel differently about. It's inevitable those will come up in a relationship anyway.
Set boundaries. Tell your girlfriend that if you go, then you would like to leave at X time. When you accept the invitation, make it clear that you will only be able to stay until X time. Don't do it in a complainy way that makes you seem childish to her, or her defense will go up. Express how you feel and resist insulting her family or blaming anyone. Address her as being on your side already, not as an enemy to your interests.
If the family wants to know why you've set a time to leave, you don't owe them much explanation. Resist coming up with an excuse.
How important family is to someone is a compatibility issue too. It's something that will get bigger, not smaller, over time as the relationship goes on and possibly gets more serious. If you are not the kind who wants to be really close to family, spending several days a month for hours at a time at their house, that's fine. But that's obviously what your gf prefers. Is she willing to compromise too? Not just shortening the visits, but maybe even reducing them by one or more visits a month. This is a perfect testing ground to see how you resolve issues that you feel differently about. It's inevitable those will come up in a relationship anyway.
this esscailly OP
mend your fences and set your boundaries now. It doesn't get easier to deal wih once baby or marriage comes in to play.
So offering a compromise is not caring one bit to make my partner happy?
Yes, sometimes we all must compromise and do things to make others happy (or just to shut them up) but "sometimes" doesn't have to mean marathon visits twice a month.
What would you say if the OP's girlfriend were posting here? That she has every right to expect her partner to go on these long family visits with her? Or that she has to "compromise" by never, ever expecting him to go with her?
I just don't see how he at all has offered a compromise... other than "go by yourself".
It's quite obvious that if he can't get along with her folks, and she is very family oriented, then he needs to leave her, find some chick whose parents were killed in a car wreck so he don't have to deal with them
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,733,093 times
Reputation: 41381
Quote:
Originally Posted by JoeSmith357
I just don't see how he at all has offered a compromise... other than "go by yourself".
It's quite obvious that if he can't get along with her folks, and she is very family oriented, then he needs to leave her, find some chick whose parents were killed in a car wreck so he don't have to deal with them
Reread post #8, he said he could tolerate a couple of hours. No one wants to be interrogated for 6 hours 2x a month by "family."
The issue has been resolved. I was talking to my gf about how we have some differences and that it's necessary to compromise when there are differences, so we are both ok with the compromise. Then I brought up how I don't like to go to her family's house for 6 hours at a time. She said, "I can go by myself." That was easy. She seemed kind of relieved that I brought it up.
I told her that if I could have it all my way, I wouldn't decide to never go there. I'd just want to go there for less time, because it's really hard for me to be there for 6 hours. Also, I explained how I have problems with being at other people's houses for more than 2-3 hours, because I get restless, even with my own friends. That's part of the reason why her relatives are hard for me to tolerate. They say some things to me that aren't nice and it irritates me, but my being irritated at it is compounded by my feelings of being cooped up for too long.
The issue has been resolved. I was talking to my gf about how we have some differences and that it's necessary to compromise when there are differences, so we are both ok with the compromise. Then I brought up how I don't like to go to her family's house for 6 hours at a time. She said, "I can go by myself." That was easy. She seemed kind of relieved that I brought it up.
I told her that if I could have it all my way, I wouldn't decide to never go there. I'd just want to go there for less time, because it's really hard for me to be there for 6 hours. Also, I explained how I have problems with being at other people's houses for more than 2-3 hours, because I get restless, even with my own friends. That's part of the reason why her relatives are hard for me to tolerate. They say some things to me that aren't nice and it irritates me, but my being irritated at it is compounded by my feelings of being cooped up for too long.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand that's where the end begins. . .she's gonna show up once with out you, her parents are going to be like, "Oh, where's Felix"? How will she respond? How will they take it? I can almost completely guarantee they will find a way to take offence to your absence.
It's a bold move, guess you'll have to see how it plays out.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand that's where the end begins. . .she's gonna show up once with out you, her parents are going to be like, "Oh, where's Felix"? How will she respond? How will they take it? I can almost completely guarantee they will find a way to take offence to your absence.
It's a bold move, guess you'll have to see how it plays out.
Yes, I thought about that. I won't disappear completely. My intention is just to limit my time with her family to what is comfortable for me. I may go there every other time she does. I have other things I need to be doing that I've been neglecting. I don't think her family will have a problem with it. They want to see her and will still see her. They shouldn't be offended if I can't always go. And if they are, I can't worry about people being offended when they don't need to be. She can tell them (or I can) that I need to catch up on errands or work, which is what I'd be doing if she goes there for most of the day on Sat or Sun.
The family member that I got into a fight with apologized. It was nice. I said that it is ok and I don't hold grudges. And I really don't. I'm still skeptical. But it's ok now and I think more highly of them. It was a sign of respect on both sides.
I just stuck with it and tried my hardest to play nice and it was tough, because I really don't like many people, so It's particularly difficult for me to be nice to people I don't like. At least I'm not fake. But I try to be fair at least.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Update
