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Old 01-10-2008, 07:38 AM
 
419 posts, read 1,901,228 times
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If someone asks you out on a date you have no interest in, do you tell him/her that:

you do not feel that you have anything in common (I do not like you)

or:

That you are busy?

When I was in the dating scene, I had many women I was interested in tell me they were busy when I asked them out. Not understanding what they were saying, I kept asking them out because I tried to match my schedule with theirs. I could not believe how busy their social calendar was! I finally caught the hint. I wish they would have not lead me on and just told me that they were not interested in me and/or did not like me.

Why do people say they are busy when they are not? Why can't we be honest with people we do not like?

Last edited by questioner2; 01-10-2008 at 07:51 AM..
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Old 01-10-2008, 07:44 AM
 
Location: france
55 posts, read 238,203 times
Reputation: 80
I totally agree,I have friends who say thay are busy if they aren't interested in the guy, and I think it is a very bad thing.But you need a bit of courage to tell someone the truth,you can be afraid of hurting his/her feelings.

before I always told I was busy,and one day the guy I told it discovered I wasn't,and I felt awfull.Now I always say what I have in my mind.
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Old 01-10-2008, 07:56 AM
 
Location: Toledo
3,856 posts, read 7,864,780 times
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No, I just say I'm not interested or no thanks. No need to beat around the bush.
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Old 01-10-2008, 09:58 AM
 
Location: In the real world!
2,178 posts, read 8,891,155 times
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If it was someone I knew and we were already friends, I was honest and would tell them I just don't think of them in that way and wouldn't want to risk loosing their friendship.

If it was someone I didn't know, I told them I didn't go out with people I didn't know. I was always horrified to go out with anyone I didn't know OR that I would have to get to know him better before I would go out with him. One guy waited 2 years from the first time he asked until I would actually go out with him.

I had one guy I had seen around for a few years ask me out and I plainly told him I had never seen him out with a woman and didn't do those "in home" kind of dates. He never asked again.

I was always honest and upfront with the one that asked me out. If it was no one I would ever go out with, I would tell them I would rather just be friends and they were welcome to join our group. (IF he seemed like a nice enough person, if he didn't I just did the "I don't go out with people I don't know"))
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Old 01-10-2008, 10:20 AM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
17,616 posts, read 36,503,784 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by questioner2 View Post
Why do people say they are busy when they are not? Why can't we be honest with people we do not like?
It's easier and quicker to say that you're busy than try to explain nicely to a guy why they are not boyfriend material. I've tried the honest approach and one either gets the guy trying to persuade you to give him a chance or one becomes the recipient of a lot of hostility as you're seen as a coldhearted snobby *female dog*. The honesty approach just doesn't work.

Reasons that a person (of any sex) might not want to date the other person... personality, looks, philosophy of life, or just that gut feeling. And guys in particular are very rigid in what women they will not date. Heaven forbid their male friends make fun of them for dating a fat woman or one with a "butter face". So when a woman says she is busy, she is trying to let you down without hurting your feelings. After all, what reasons could she tell you and not upset you or make you mad? And would you want to argue the points with her and try to tell her that she was wrong? If the magic isn't there, it just isn't.
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Old 01-10-2008, 10:26 AM
 
669 posts, read 5,528,134 times
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This doesn't just happen in the dating scene. I'm trying to make female friends as my husband and I are relatively new to our city and I get the "crazy busy" brush-off all the time. It is so annoying!
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Old 01-10-2008, 10:34 AM
 
Location: Fort Worth, Texas
10,743 posts, read 32,986,504 times
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I really hate to hurt someone's feelings but I have run into this problem before and I hesitate to just tell them I am busy for the very reason you mention, it gives them the idea they just need to change their schedule around.

I haven't dated in some time and this is usually what I tell people, I am a single Mom, I have been divorced now for 6 years and I am concentrating on my daughter right now. I thank them for the compliment of asking me out though.

I had one man sneak up on me saying we were just friends and then start to push something more. The whole story is in another thread about how I thought I would NEVER get rid of him but I finally did. Thats a real sign to people to be upfront and honest rather then hiding how you really feel.
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Old 01-10-2008, 10:51 AM
 
16,141 posts, read 15,132,614 times
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I agree that it is better to be straightforward, though it can be uncomfortable and I've been on both the "receiving" end and the "speaking" end of saying and hearing "Thanks but that's not something that interests me." I always give myself credit for asking someone out, even if I hear no, because to me that is an act of courage and takes some guts to be vulnerable in that way. Saying it to someone can be harder, usually I try to say something like "Thank you for the invitation, but that's not something that interests me."

Ultimately I think it shows the person more respect to be clear and straightforward in my response, and I feel better about myself when my communication is clear and direct, rather than evasive and underhanded
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Old 01-10-2008, 10:52 AM
 
Location: the show-me state
672 posts, read 2,011,094 times
Reputation: 753
Quote:
Originally Posted by miu View Post
It's easier and quicker to say that you're busy than try to explain nicely to a guy why they are not boyfriend material. I've tried the honest approach and one either gets the guy trying to persuade you to give him a chance or one becomes the recipient of a lot of hostility as you're seen as a coldhearted snobby *female dog*. The honesty approach just doesn't work.

Reasons that a person (of any sex) might not want to date the other person... personality, looks, philosophy of life, or just that gut feeling. And guys in particular are very rigid in what women they will not date. Heaven forbid their male friends make fun of them for dating a fat woman or one with a "butter face". So when a woman says she is busy, she is trying to let you down without hurting your feelings. After all, what reasons could she tell you and not upset you or make you mad? And would you want to argue the points with her and try to tell her that she was wrong? If the magic isn't there, it just isn't.

Wow, I think miu has it covered pretty well. I pretty much agree with all of it, except the part about the fat girls. All my life, I've had a tendency to favor the pleasantly plump girls. In fact, I plan to marry one this year. She has a pretty face though. I havn't heard the ol' butter face saying in a long time. I guess its a cruel saying, but sometimes its true.
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Old 01-10-2008, 11:06 AM
 
Location: Florida
278 posts, read 853,985 times
Reputation: 175
I think if someone is interested in someone else....they will make time and rearrange their schedule to go out with them. So, it's a lame excuse when you say it to someone else. However, I've used it for years and some guys out there still don't get the hint. It's probably best to be honest early on, but that is so hard to do without hurting someone's feelings.
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