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Thanks, folks. I appreciate all of your thoughts and opinions. I wanted to see what non biased individuals thought of the situation.
I still feel living with someone prior to engagement is the way to go. Living together 24/7 for a good amount of time allows both of us to see each other in a different light than we do today. Not only that, we can work on finances, how we deal with our alone time, how we deal with together time, how OCD we are about certain things, etc etc. Things that aren't seen fully when we only see each other on the weekends.
In my heart, i want to be with her. But i am rational and logical and understand how emotions can toy with thoughts/feelings. I also understand that even though my heart says yes, it is not all that is needed.
Question:
How many of you have been divorced? Did you get engaged/married before moving in? Did that hurt/help the relationship?
I've never been divorced. We moved in before we got engaged. I don't think that anything can really help or hurt the right relationship. If it's right, it's right. If it's wrong, you'll find out.
Do you really think that you'll need to live with her for 1-2 years before you can figure out if it's the right relationship? That seems a bit extreme to me.
There is no rule of thumb, and everyone's situation is different.
I would echo what others said; be REALLY sure that you have compatible time frames for things like kids, etc., if you are truly building a future together.
I'm not playing wifey, cooking your food and doing your laundry, for a few years while you decide what you want. Other women are fine with it. The only woman's opinion who matters here is your girlfriend's.
Agree. Also, if someone has to "take a test drive" to figure out if we are compatible...then we are not compatible.
I would never move in with someone as a "test".
Quote:
Originally Posted by Compuhi
Question:
How many of you have been divorced? Did you get engaged/married before moving in? Did that hurt/help the relationship?
We dated for about 4 yrs and then got engaged. We were engaged for just over a year and half before we got married. We did not live together before marriage. We've been married for 17yrs, and while we've had some bumps, we are still together.
There is no rule of thumb, and everyone's situation is different.
I would echo what others said; be REALLY sure that you have compatible time frames for things like kids, etc., if you are truly building a future together.
Agreed and something for us to talk about and clarify. We have discussed kids in the past, but it was more in passing convo. We probably need to have a heart to heart about certain things, such as kids, etc.
And i agree with those of you who are saying it can't hurt to move in. It should let us know either way if it's meant to be or not (and of course knowing that things can change in the future).
Do you really think that you'll need to live with her for 1-2 years before you can figure out if it's the right relationship? That seems a bit extreme to me.
^^^This.
You should know from dating for 1.5 years if this person has compatible morals, values, goals, life plans and direction. And from being in each other's homes, you can tell what kind of housekeeper they are, etc.
Living together teaches you about learning to adapt to two people in one household, how to manage giving each other space, where to put all of your things, making joint decisions instead of individual ones. But moving in together shouldn't change who a person is so much that you need to try it out for a couple of years before making a solid commitment. The solid commitment should precede moving in together.
Agreed and something for us to talk about and clarify. We have discussed kids in the past, but it was more in passing convo. We probably need to have a heart to heart about certain things, such as kids, etc.
You really need to, due to the general timeline factor at hand, if it's already a given that kids are desired.
Agree. Also, if someone has to "take a test drive" to figure out if we are compatible...then we are not compatible.
I would never move in with someone as a "test".
I am not understanding your logic. Couldn't dating be considered a test drive? Why not get married the 1st day you meet?
The value in giving a relationship time (ie: 'test driving' as you call it), including moving in together before engagement, is to essentially attempt to reduce the risk for a future divorce. Lets weed out the issues now, see if we are compatible with everything (problems, dealing with those problems, compromise, finances, our time, alone time, etc etc). And if we realize it's not working, then we can walk away without a messy divorce. If we realize it is working, then we are in good shape and "tested" things to the best of our ability.
Should i be thinking differently? Is this not a sound way to go?
I am not understanding your logic. Couldn't dating be considered a test drive? Why not get married the 1st day you meet?
The value in giving a relationship time (ie: 'test driving' as you call it), including moving in together before engagement, is to essentially attempt to reduce the risk for a future divorce. Lets weed out the issues now, see if we are compatible with everything (problems, dealing with those problems, compromise, finances, our time, alone time, etc etc). And if we realize it's not working, then we can walk away without a messy divorce. If we realize it is working, then we are in good shape and "tested" things to the best of our ability.
Should i be thinking differently? Is this not a sound way to go?
Everyone sees things differently. I only wanted to live with someone as a step towards marriage - not as a test. But that's me.
When is the right time to move in with your partner? I will try to keep this short:
Tonight, my gf of 1.5 years was talking to a friend of hers about relationships. My gf doesn't believe in moving in before you are engaged. It's not religious or any sort of belief outside of the fact that she feels the relationship is stronger if you don't move in too soon. She prefers to get engaged, then move in and get married 6-12 months later.
I don't agree with that at all. I have been open about this with her in the past, but started a convo on it. I feel that around the 2 year mark, we should discuss moving in. Live together for 1-2 years and then if we are both still happy, decide on our next move (likely engagement). There are just too many "little" (and big) things to feel out before marriage for me - finances, space, can we deal with each other 24/7 ? ...etc.
Some back story to help:
- Neither one of us has ever lived with a past partner, but we have had long term relationships of several years each.
- We are in our low 30's, careers, etc.
- We only see each other on Fri afternoon - Mon morning. Our work schedules during the week are far too hectic to see each other.
- We live about 30 min away from each other.
- We are not religious
What do you all think? When is the right time? Before/after engagement?
Interested to hear your thoughts! Thanks!
Well I can see her perspective. Put yourself in her shoes. Youve been together nearly two years, and cohabiting is giving up a lot of independence and in a way is a commitment to make a big decision with you. Is it unreasonable that she wants to know you at least plan to marry her to give her some security in making this decision? I wouldnt rent or mortgage a permanent residence with any man unless we were also sharing vows and spousal benefits.
If after 18 months relationship you feel like you still need to waste her time "testing" her, then maybe you shouldnt live together after all. People can change always at any time in life. Waiting forever to eben be engaged wont change whether you learn new stuff about her in five years.
Last edited by Yiuppy; 02-20-2015 at 11:09 AM..
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I will try to keep this short: 
