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Hello. I have been seeing my gf for about a year now. She is wrapping up graduate school. When we first started to date, she would never invite me over to her place. I was a bit suspicious at first, but shrugged it off when she finally did invite me over. It was a mess. She will go through spurts where she will clean, but a few weeks later, it will become a mess. Overflowing trash, dishes all over, moving boxes, papers and more papers.
She has apologized over and over again, stating that its school and she just doesn't have the time to clean. I am not a neat-freak over here, but it is bad. I am trying to look past this, and happy that she isn't in denial, and knows its messy. Her lease is up at the end of her school term. We will be moving in together when she graduates. My concern is this whole time it wasn't school, but her and our [new] place will turn into a mess like her current situation is.
Has anyone been in this situation before? Thank you!
Moving boxes? It sounds like she didn't have time to get moved in, settled in, before school started. Papers and more papers? She's not good at setting up a filing system. Does she have a B-day, or any other special occasion coming up? Why not spring for one of those personal organizers, who comes over and cleans and sets up filing systems, etc.? Sometimes it's not laziness, it's that the person doesn't have a linear mind, so basic things like filing systems are beyond reach.
Once school's over, and she gets a regular 9--5 job, it might be easier for her to settle into a routine. If she moves in with you, just have a rule the dishes have to be done right after dinner.
Her scatteredness might be the legit result of feeling stressed about school, plus she's not a good organizer. (Doesn't explain the trash and dishes, I know.) The other thing you could do is postpone moving in together, giver her a cleaner/organizer as a graduation present, and see if she's able to maintain order on her own. If she can get through the summer keeping a reasonable level of order, then you can move in together.
I'm a messy person. I've always been a messy person and am pretty sure I will always be a messy person. Nobody here knows your girlfriend so nobody on here is going to be able to tell you if she is going to be as bad when you move in together - but I'm not the only messy person in the world so your girlfriend could be one of them, too.
I'm a messy person and when I have a lot going on outside of the home, the home suffers. Right now, I've been super busy at work so I come home and don't want to deal with anything. My place is a mess. I tend to clean up on the weekends, but the bare minimum (dishes, trash, clean out the fridge, etc).
When I was married, my xh was OCD clean. He'd basically clean up after me, constantly. He didn't really care and I tried to do things that would make it easier, like putting my hair dryer in a drawer and not leaving it on the counter. The problem that arose out of all this was when he couldn't respect the way I did things and instead, NEEDED to put everything away. I did the bills. The way I remembered to do them? Leave them on the counter in a pile. He disliked the pile and would put it away, gawd knows where. Guess what happened? Yup, bills didn't get paid. I finally had to take the bills to work and do them there, otherwise, he'd "file them away" again, who knows where, maybe even the trash.
Personally, if you think it's a problem, I wouldn't move in with her until you see how messy she is without school. School can be stressful, we all get that. But for all you know, how she lives is how she lives.....anytime she becomes stressed. If you still want to move in with, I'd ask yourself how much you're willing to clean up after her. Like I said, my xh never minded for the most part, so it worked.
I'm a messy person and when I have a lot going on outside of the home, the home suffers. Right now, I've been super busy at work so I come home and don't want to deal with anything. My place is a mess. I tend to clean up on the weekends, but the bare minimum (dishes, trash, clean out the fridge, etc).
When I was married, my xh was OCD clean. He'd basically clean up after me, constantly. He didn't really care and I tried to do things that would make it easier, like putting my hair dryer in a drawer and not leaving it on the counter. The problem that arose out of all this was when he couldn't respect the way I did things and instead, NEEDED to put everything away. I did the bills. The way I remembered to do them? Leave them on the counter in a pile. He disliked the pile and would put it away, gawd knows where. Guess what happened? Yup, bills didn't get paid. I finally had to take the bills to work and do them there, otherwise, he'd "file them away" again, who knows where, maybe even the trash.
Personally, if you think it's a problem, I wouldn't move in with her until you see how messy she is without school. School can be stressful, we all get that. But for all you know, how she lives is how she lives.....anytime she becomes stressed. If you still want to move in with, I'd ask yourself how much you're willing to clean up after her. Like I said, my xh never minded for the most part, so it worked.
I can so relate to this! And I'm like the diagrams Newbie posted, the non-linear thinking. However, I'm usually able to keep things in order. I don't like dishes soaking in the sink; I wash them as I go along, and clean weekly. So there's a discipline. But when it comes to organizing papers, documents, it's a challenge. I deal with it by having a separate room as an "office". The mess stays confined, that way.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 03-01-2015 at 11:06 PM..
I'm a messy person and when I have a lot going on outside of the home, the home suffers. Right now, I've been super busy at work so I come home and don't want to deal with anything. My place is a mess. I tend to clean up on the weekends, but the bare minimum (dishes, trash, clean out the fridge, etc).
When I was married, my xh was OCD clean. He'd basically clean up after me, constantly. He didn't really care and I tried to do things that would make it easier, like putting my hair dryer in a drawer and not leaving it on the counter. The problem that arose out of all this was when he couldn't respect the way I did things and instead, NEEDED to put everything away. I did the bills. The way I remembered to do them? Leave them on the counter in a pile. He disliked the pile and would put it away, gawd knows where. Guess what happened? Yup, bills didn't get paid. I finally had to take the bills to work and do them there, otherwise, he'd "file them away" again, who knows where, maybe even the trash.
Personally, if you think it's a problem, I wouldn't move in with her until you see how messy she is without school. School can be stressful, we all get that. But for all you know, how she lives is how she lives.....anytime she becomes stressed. If you still want to move in with, I'd ask yourself how much you're willing to clean up after her. Like I said, my xh never minded for the most part, so it worked.
Wait a minute it didn't work because he is your Ex. Was it because you were a mess?
People don't change, so yes, it will be this messy when you move in together. It will probably be worse, actually, because she'll be leaving her stuff on top of yours and you will be tripping over her things that she leaves out. If you can't live in the worst of her mess as she has it now, my advice to you is not to move in together.
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