Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
So my wife and I have been together for nearly 7 years, married for just over 4. I'm 36, she's 32. This past December, December 12th to be exact, she informed me that she wasn't happy and she wanted to separate. We've had problems in the past but nothing serious and we worked through them. I honestly thought things were looking up for us, so this caught me completely off guard. We don't make a lot of money, so one of us moving out wasn't/isn't an option at this time. I've moved into another bedroom at the other end of the house
The first month of the separation really didn't have any effect on me. I was kind of numb but I was also with my family a lot during the holidays. I guess around the beginning of February, I really started missing her. We would pass each other through the house, but there was nothing else really there.
I told her the other day, that ultimately her happiness was the most important thing to me. I respected her decision, but that didn't mean that I liked it. She said she was trying to find herself. She doesn't know what would make her happy or what she wants, but the last thing she wanted to do was hurt me. I asked her exactly what would make her happy and she stated she didn't know.
I love my wife. I love her dearly. I told her I would be willing to go to counseling, and would do anything for one shot to win her heart back. She says she love me, but she's not in love with me.
I've been through relationships before and been through break ups, but this has hit much harder than I ever imagined. I've been going out with friends, but most of them are all either in relationships or married, and I constantly feel like I'm the 3rd wheel whenever we're all together.
I guess I'm just looking for advise on how people cope during this. Not a day goes by where I don't think about her or love her any less than the previous day. I guess I just want my wife back.
I'm sure it will be asked, but no, there is nobody else that she's involved with or seeing.
Op She wanted to separate from you, even when you were willing to go to counseling. That's not love! Do your very best to move forward and put her out of your mind. You deserve better than an "I'm not happy so I want to separate" spouse. Don't go crawling back.
So my wife and I have been together for nearly 7 years, married for just over 4. I'm 36, she's 32. This past December, December 12th to be exact, she informed me that she wasn't happy and she wanted to separate. We've had problems in the past but nothing serious and we worked through them. I honestly thought things were looking up for us, so this caught me completely off guard. We don't make a lot of money, so one of us moving out wasn't/isn't an option at this time. I've moved into another bedroom at the other end of the house
The first month of the separation really didn't have any effect on me. I was kind of numb but I was also with my family a lot during the holidays. I guess around the beginning of February, I really started missing her. We would pass each other through the house, but there was nothing else really there.
I told her the other day, that ultimately her happiness was the most important thing to me. I respected her decision, but that didn't mean that I liked it. She said she was trying to find herself. She doesn't know what would make her happy or what she wants, but the last thing she wanted to do was hurt me. I asked her exactly what would make her happy and she stated she didn't know.
I love my wife. I love her dearly. I told her I would be willing to go to counseling, and would do anything for one shot to win her heart back. She says she love me, but she's not in love with me.
I've been through relationships before and been through break ups, but this has hit much harder than I ever imagined. I've been going out with friends, but most of them are all either in relationships or married, and I constantly feel like I'm the 3rd wheel whenever we're all together.
I guess I'm just looking for advise on how people cope during this. Not a day goes by where I don't think about her or love her any less than the previous day. I guess I just want my wife back.
I'm sure it will be asked, but no, there is nobody else that she's involved with or seeing.
From what your saying, it sounds like she is depressed and is unable to identify the source of her unhappiness and negative feelings and consequently unable to do anything about them. She needs to seek help to work through those feelings and try to return to enjoying life.
Not much else is going to be fixed before her mental state is improved... and it may not improve on it's own.
So I would encourage her to seek professional help (but don't automatically tie it to marriage counseling or going with you too... she may need to do this on her own and she may be more willing to do it on her own at this stage).
If you have a good relationship with some of your in laws who are close to her, you may want to speak with them too, see if they have insights or influence to encourage her to get some help. She may be more open to other loved ones, since your relationship is strained.
Other than that, I would say, do what you can so one of you can move out to create some real separation. Being house mates on either side of the house at this stage is probably doing more damage than good.
The first month of the separation really didn't have any effect on me.
To be frank, you sound fairly clueless.
I mean, this statement ^^^ is very telling. Being separated, even in the same house, is a hell of a big deal. It SHOULD affect you.
Who knows what is going on with her. She may be saying she's not "in love with you" because you just are not a person who is in tune with her and SHOWS her that you love her and care for her. Just saying it is NOT the same. It sounds like she is feeling pretty neglected and disappointed. Depression? Possible. Having a dying marriage wears on a person. A relationship can be resuscitated, though.
Whatever you do, you need to get into counseling together before you give up completely.
When I say it didn't have any effect on me, I kept myself occupied during that 1st month. She announced it to me 2 weeks prior to Christmas. My brother and his family also welcomed in a new baby within that same week. My folks came up the week before Christmas and they were here throughout the New Year as well. Constantly being around family seemed to keep me occupied.
I also wanted to give her space and not seem overbearing. I told her that if I she wanted to talk, I was always available, but didn't want to force anything onto her.
The separation was her decision, not mine. Since late January, early February, it's gotten more difficult. I would love to be able to reconcile. I also understand that her heart needs to be in it as well.
I think part of what is making this so hard is that you are in the same house together due to the finances. Heartbreak is bad enough without it being rubbed in your face every day. If there is any way to change that situation, you probably ought to as soon as you can. Could one of you stay with a friend or family for a few weeks while you contemplate a final decision? I don't think it fair that you should move out, but it might be best for your mental well-being if that is the only solution available.
Is she seeking counseling or doing anything different to "find herself?" Sometimes people say that and yet they aren't actively doing anything; they are really just sitting there waiting for something to change. To find yourself, well, you actually have to go out and look. For some that means individual counseling, for others it means re-examining their career choice or making more time to socialize or work out or pursue a hobby. If she is not making active use of this time, then you need to decide to do what is best for you in the long run.
Some author, whose name I cannot recall, wrote once about making major decisions after considering the ramifications of the decision five days from now, five months from now and five years from now, or some similar timeline. That might be the way to go as you contemplate how to handle this change in your relationship.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
TenorSax
