Is an explanation for why they ended it asking for too much? (dating, married)
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Like most people I've dumped and been dumped, or in the case of dating somebody for short periods of time, "ending it" or whatever term is appropriate. Since they tend to happen far more often because they're short lived I'm mostly referring to short term dating here that lasts anywhere from a few dates to a few months or whatnot.
I can honestly say that whenever the girl ended things with me I've never once gotten a real and honest reason that in any way helped me in moving forward or "correcting" any mistakes I made. A while back a girl's reason for ending things with me after a month was basically just a text of "I'm going to have to cancel our date tonight. I'm listening to my intuition that this will not progress". I politely asked her what the specific reason is, that maybe the insight could help me out. I wasn't trying to change her mind as it was obvious it was already made up. She just replied "I don't think any reason as to why would satisfy you, I'm not discussing this any more." I know the courtship didn't last that long but doesn't a person deserve a more specific reason? Its just very frustrating to know that the other person could probably articulate the reasons why they lost attraction for you and you could learn more from it, but you'll just be left in the dark as to why...when things SEEMED to be going well.
Even worse yet is dating somebody and they just never reply to your call or text when you're asking when they're free to get together again. This isn't even after what seemed like a bad date, the last time this happened the girl made out with me passionately as I dropped her off and she said she'd miss me. We had been all over each other all evening and laughing and seeming to have a good time. She even hinted at me meeting her family sometime in the future. Little did I know that was the last I'd hear from her.
I don't end things with a girl too often, but when I do I give her a long honest specific answer of how my feelings changed for her, I tell her I want her to have closure, and good luck out there. I don't have it in me to hurt somebody who had feelings for me any more than I have to with vague excuses for answers, or keep them guessing what went wrong with radio silence. Even though its happened to me numerous times.
What do you people think? Do you think an honest explanation is too much to ask?
Yes, it is too much to ask.
If you get an honest explaination more than likely you will either not believe it is the truth or you will ask more questions and continue to try to analyze what went wrong which in turn can be taken as sad, pathetic begging or just plain annoying.
No one owes anyone anything unless they have borrowed money, thier car or a cup of sugar, otherwise when someone tells you whatever it is they tell you accept what they have already stated and move on.
PS ~~ You are not actually giving "closure" to anyone but yourself, even with your long, honest, specific, drawn out unnecessary explaination.
"If I have to explain it to you, then you wouldn't understand."
This is why we don't date coworkers or neighbors.
Walk into ANY affair of the heart with an attitude that it might not last long. I dated for two decades before I got married and I haven't seen or heard it all, but I've seen & heard enough.
Sometimes the lady doesn't know why she broke up with you.
Have fun with it.
Because these things you're complaining about ain't nuthin' compared to scratchin' yer head after a divorce.
Just because someone can give you an explanation doesn't mean that is really IT...at best.it's their perception of what the issue is, at worst it is a convenient lie constructed to hurt you further. I don't overly fault someone for that (a misperception, not an outright lie) but I do fault someone for walking out of a lengthy relationship without an attempt at civility. Yes, that is owed someone.
And even the best explanation usually provokes not closure, but the offering of why that's NOT the case and why the relationship SHOULD continue despite that. So closure only comes when YOU accept it at some later point. An explanation is just being polite.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wambatown81
I can honestly say that whenever the girl ended things with me I've never once gotten a real and honest reason that in any way helped me in moving forward or "correcting" any mistakes I made.
Usually there isn't a mistake to correct. Why do you think there is?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wambatown81
A while back a girl's reason for ending things with me after a month was basically just a text of "I'm going to have to cancel our date tonight. I'm listening to my intuition that this will not progress". I politely asked her what the specific reason is
She gave you a specific and valid reason. You might not like it. But she did.
You can ask, but you're not entitled to a response, and you may not get an honest one.
Though, it seems like you have gotten honest ones and it still wasn't good enough for you.
That is why so many people don't get into these conversations. They are truthful and it is still not enough for the dumped party.
Well, first of all, kudos to you for trying to work on yourself, and learning from potential past mistakes. If more people would do that, the world might be a wee bit of a better place.
I'm like you, I'd like to know what happened, especially when my emotions are invested in a relationship, and/or the breakup appears to come out of the left field. But keep in mind that sometimes people don't mesh, some people are jerks, selfish, or just playing the field with multiples. None of that would be your fault, while at the same time, they would not admit they were dating multiples, using you, and whatnot. So they make up crap, sometimes even blame you. For that reason, I resolved that if someone wants to get away from me, it was not meant to be, knowing that I put my best foot forward, and I let them go. Truth be told, you have to do this an awful lot these days, unfortunately.
I don't think it's wrong for you to ask what happened, but it would take a strong character with integrity to actually give you a meaningful response. And if this were such a person, you probably would not need to ask this question in the first place, you would already know where you stand.
What if she is trying to avoid hurting you further with the truth? What if it is actually kinder to say "I just don't see this going anywhere" than to tell you what it is about you that turned her off/pushed her away?
Well, first of all, kudos to you for trying to work on yourself, and learning from potential past mistakes. If more people would do that, the world might be a wee bit of a better place.
I'm like you, I'd like to know what happened, especially when my emotions are invested in a relationship, and/or the breakup appears to come out of the left field. But keep in mind that sometimes people don't mesh, some people are jerks, selfish, or just playing the field with multiples. None of that would be your fault, while at the same time, they would not admit they were dating multiples, using you, and whatnot. So they make up crap, sometimes even blame you. For that reason, I resolved that if someone wants to get away from me, it was not meant to be, knowing that I put my best foot forward, and I let them go. Truth be told, you have to do this an awful lot these days, unfortunately.
I don't think it's wrong for you to ask what happened, but it would take a strong character with integrity to actually give you a meaningful response. And if this were such a person, you probably would not need to ask this question in the first place, you would already know where you stand.
Sometimes it's just really hard to articulate one's feelings into the proper words that would adequately explain the reasons. It has nothing to do with integrity or lack thereof, because how do you truly explain the intuition or gut feeling you have? It's not that easy to express what that feeling is and put into words that would appease a person. It's hard enough to tell someone that you're not interested in continuing the relationship. Having to spell out every feeling and thought process as the reasons why can get even more difficult.
But the other thing is, everyone is so different and therefore it's not like the reason why "Jane" broke up with you is going to help you avoid a possible breakup with "Mary" in your next relationship, because you could change what Jane thought was wrong, but Mary won't care about that because she isn't Jane and she needs something different. Do you see what I'm saying? Regardless of what you're told is the reason for the breakup, it wouldn't help you in your new relationship with a totally different person who has different feelings and different perceptions and so on.
For a 3 year relationship, I would expect some sort of explanation and discussion. For a few dates, not so much.
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