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My husband and I have been married for 37 years. We've 4 sons and 3 grandchildren. I got married really young (I was 20 and he was 28) but I was completely in love. Even though he was a distant person from the beginning, he swipped me off my feet.
He has a hot temper and I believe the only emotion he can express is anger. It was always impossible to communicate with him regarding our own relationship because he simply can't do it. He can't do a simple gesture of affection like a kiss, hand holding or a little cuddle. He's a typical old school harsh man who had a difficult upbringing and had to work from an early age to get his degree (he's a petroleum engineer).
Still, even after say, 10 years of marriage, I would still get butterflies in the stomach when I came across him. He wasn't a very active father, either. He would make sure they got everything they needed and he was very demanding when it came to grades and manners. I mean, we all want our children to be well behaved and do good at school but I think he pushed it too far.
Since our last child left home a few years ago, we are even more distant. Perhaps we already were back then but I just didn't notice it because I was going around taking care of everything (the children, the house, my job, etc).
I feel our marriage is in the burnout stage. There isn't (and never was) any violence, he isn't rude to me and he was never controlling. We always kept out own interests and hobbies but they are completely different. Our children are not very close to him as well. They respect him but they never speak about their lives with him.
I seriously don't know what to do...I wouldn't want to throw 37 years away and despite all his faults, there's still love for him in my heart.
You may be a perfect candidate for a separation. Go and rent an apartment, and live separate lives. See how it feels to live independently from him. The separation may be just what you need to either kickstart your marriage into what you want, or give you the push and confidence to get out.....Research trial separations. You can write up a contract, and agree to the way, and frequency of your contact with him. Everything needs to be written up and agreed to, which may be a problem because of the type of man he is. I'm not sure if the ole dog can be taught new tricks.
You may be a perfect candidate for a separation. Go and rent an apartment, and live separate lives. See how it feels to live independently from him. The separation may be just what you need to either kickstart your marriage into what you want, or give you the push and confidence to get out.....Research trial separations. You can write up a contract, and agree to the way, and frequency of your contact with him. Everything needs to be written up and agreed to, which may be a problem because of the type of man he is. I'm not sure if the ole dog can be taught new tricks.
I didn't know about that option...but I'm just so used to living with him it would feel odd. Still, I doubt he would accept it...if I proposed such a thing, he would want a divorce immediately, there's no middle ground for him.
What do you want to happen here? Do you want to spend more quality time with your husband and reconnect--travel, date nights, etc? Do you want to just be roommates? Do you want to split up?
I didn't know about that option...but I'm just so used to living with him it would feel odd. Still, I doubt he would accept it...if I proposed such a thing, he would want a divorce immediately, there's no middle ground for him.
That seems to be the biggest hurdle, to get some line of communication with him. With that said, if he is unwilling to discuss anything, you will have to make your own decision. You would be surprised how refreshing it may be for you to only have to worry about your own happiness.
Op this is a 37 year marriage, please please please don't come to an anonymous forum to get advice on what to do other than seeking professional counsel.
Op this is a 37 year marriage, please please please don't come to an anonymous forum to get advice on what to do other than seeking professional counsel.
Sometimes strangers can give better advice than people who are too close to us.
What do you want to happen here? Do you want to spend more quality time with your husband and reconnect--travel, date nights, etc? Do you want to just be roommates? Do you want to split up?
I wish to improve things without separating...that would be ideal.
After 37 years, I don't think you'll change him. I think you missed or ignored the signs that he wasn't affectionate or emotionally mature back when you were dating him and engaged, and after the children arrived, you were able to distract yourself from the reality of his personality. Have you suggested counseling to him? If he refuses to go, you're back to Square One in your decision process. Look at it from his perspective; why should he change after 65 years of his life? How realistic is it to expect that?
I wish to improve things without separating...that would be ideal.
You should tell him this. Let him know that what you have now is unacceptable, and you want to improve your marriage. Then the ball is in his court. With his marriage on the line, will he try or not?
If he won't, the ball comes back to you. Your choices are to live with it and accept that you will not have the sort of intimacy and closeness that you need, or to leave and start a new life.
I feel for you. I was in a similar situation and I know neither choice is easy.
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