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Oh, honey (no offense, but I feel like I can call you that because I'm a 61-year-old mother), I feel so bad for you, but I wish you could KNOW that in all likelihood, you are NOT ugly, and I can tell that you are a warm and intelligent person with a LOT to offer.
I have just known too many women -- and I was one of them -- who just feel and act like they are not good enough. That is SO not true, and unfortunately, many women (and men, too) end up in one "relationship" after another because they are so desperate to feel loved and worthwhile. Believe me, I know from experience because I was in EXACTLY your place when I was about your age. I have now been married to the MOST wonderful man for 30 years, who treasures me for what I am, not some idealized image of what many people think women SHOULD be and SHOULD look like!
I just hope that you will convince yourself that you ARE special and you WILL (probably) find the right person some day, but as others have said, there really is no rush at your age (or at any age, for that matter).
If I could send a hug to you, I would.
P.S. And whatever you do, NEVER feel that you must have sex for any reason. The only time anyone should have sex is because she or he WANTS to have sex and your partner feels the same way!
"I need to see there's hope for me in meeting someone new before I delete him from my life entirely."......(your quote)
what you are saying is that you need a man to help you feel better about yourself and to help you get over him. No, you don't.... and you are setting yourself up to get into a pattern which can wreak havoc on your life and do more damage to your already low self-esteem. I know because I felt the same way you are feeling for most of my life and it happened to me.
Trying telling yourself that you are a special, beautiful person. Forget what people told you in the past. Any person that says cruel things to another person has a problem with their own self esteem. It is true. No one who feels really good about themselves feels the need to say hurtful comments to another.
There is no certain age you have to be before you have to be in a relationship with a man. You don't even "have" to be in a relationship with a man to be happy. Are you happy now? Look what this is doing to you. Take the pressure off of yourself to have to try and find someone just because you think this way. If someone tells you you should be dating by now, they are wrong. You need to take your power back and make your own decision about when you want to date someone and it should be a man who you are attracted to, is honest and caring, and wants to be with you. Not some wishy washy guy who says and does one thing when you are with him one time and then says and does something else the next time.
Protect yourself. If I were you, I would do whatever I had to do to keep myself from feeling any hurt or pain from this person. Delete him from your FB and block his number on your phone and email. I suggest you work really hard learning to accept and love yourself. You sound like a really nice person, like someone else mentioned, and you deserve happiness and joy in your relationships, not pain. Take care of yourself.
"I need to see there's hope for me in meeting someone new before I delete him from my life entirely."......(your quote)
what you are saying is that you need a man to help you feel better about yourself and to help you get over him. No, you don't.... and you are setting yourself up to get into a pattern which can wreak havoc on your life and do more damage to your already low self-esteem. I know because I felt the same way you are feeling for most of my life and it happened to me.
Trying telling yourself that you are a special, beautiful person. Forget what people told you in the past. Any person that says cruel things to another person has a problem with their own self esteem. It is true. No one who feels really good about themselves feels the need to say hurtful comments to another.
There is no certain age you have to be before you have to be in a relationship with a man. You don't even "have" to be in a relationship with a man to be happy. Are you happy now? Look what this is doing to you. Take the pressure off of yourself to have to try and find someone just because you think this way. If someone tells you you should be dating by now, they are wrong. You need to take your power back and make your own decision about when you want to date someone and it should be a man who you are attracted to, is honest and caring, and wants to be with you. Not some wishy washy guy who says and does one thing when you are with him one time and then says and does something else the next time.
Protect yourself. If I were you, I would do whatever I had to do to keep myself from feeling any hurt or pain from this person. Delete him from your FB and block his number on your phone and email. I suggest you work really hard learning to accept and love yourself. You sound like a really nice person, like someone else mentioned, and you deserve happiness and joy in your relationships, not pain. Take care of yourself.
Exactly OP.
I can't really add anymore onto this, but the fact that you need to really try hard to omit what other folks are doing in your mind. Stop allowing yourself to feel like you have to do what everyone else is doing in order to feel comfortable and happy with yourself. It'll never work that way. Do what is right for YOU.
You've had a lot of womens POV and it has been good advice. Here is a guy's POV.
Well if it makes you feel better I think the reason why he pulled back is that you're a virgin and he didn't feel right about taking your virginity because he isn't looking to get serious. It sounds like he likes you and it also doesn't sound like he wants to love you if that makes sense. I think he's afraid you will fall in love with him and he doesn't want to hurt you so he pulled back. If this guy was a jerk he wouldn't have pulled back and would have seduced you and then pulled the disappearing act.
If you want to pursue a dating relationship with him you will have to accept that love is out of the question but dating, sex, and fun is. You will also have to let him know that so he can feel like he can date you without hurting you. Just don't say the L word around him, it will freak him out. Keep it fun and simple.
You've had a lot of womens POV and it has been good advice. Here is a guy's POV.
Well if it makes you feel better I think the reason why he pulled back is that you're a virgin and he didn't feel right about taking your virginity because he isn't looking to get serious. It sounds like he likes you and it also doesn't sound like he wants to love you if that makes sense. I think he's afraid you will fall in love with him and he doesn't want to hurt you so he pulled back. If this guy was a jerk he wouldn't have pulled back and would have seduced you and then pulled the disappearing act.
If you want to pursue a dating relationship with him you will have to accept that love is out of the question but dating, sex, and fun is. You will also have to let him know that so he can feel like he can date you without hurting you. Just don't say the L word around him, it will freak him out. Keep it fun and simple.
That is my take anyways.
Thank you for the advice! I really appreciate all of your help everyone! Thing is though, I already told him that I loved him.. Kind of forgot to mention that lol sorry. And I do feel like he wants to hurt me, or at least see how far he can string me along. If he didn't want to hurt me why would he still be liking my facebook selfies and status updates while at the same time complaining on his facebook page how he's "lonely" "needs to find true love" and is "dating online". He knows I love him. I'm simply not good enough.
Also, kind of a weird thing, he posted a status saying he "got a shiny new cellphone" because he "deserves something pretty" (ugh) and he said "here's my new number, I'll add friends off my old phone but it'll make things faster if you text me." And the number looked farmilliar. So I checked my old phone for his contact info (I got a new cell and number since he left me) and it was the SAME NUMBER! Why bother posting if all your friends have that number already? Maybe I'm crazy, but that seems a bit suspicious.
Last edited by Batjokes92; 03-13-2015 at 07:46 AM..
im going to first go to your original point and say that just because you are 22 and never had a bf, nothing wrong with that. But i do understand that feeling (im 24 and a guy and only been in a relationship with a girl once and im a guy but i try not to let that effect me - long story and got my own issues for that lol). However i do agree with people saying work on yourself first. Become strong and independent. someone mentioned that you can start your own business with your graphic design background. It is a good idea. Furthermore, don't think of yourself as ugly. If you know your weakness, you can work on them. If these things such as him liking your status bothers you then don't contact him by any means and remove him from social media sites. You have to take the hard steps now to prevent getting hurt in the future (trust me i know because i am going through it lol) Keep yourself busy with other things such as hobbies and hanging out with friends. Friends with benefits never end good if one of the parties is emotional. After everything if you feel you still not good looking enough or something..I'LL DATE YOU
I'm very upset about this. I'm 22 and I've never had a boyfriend. The one who came close was a boy I met last year. He was 3 years older then me, he was gorgeous, kind and just everything I ever wanted. One day he messaged me on facebook saying that I seemed cool and he'd like to be friends. I gave him my number and we started texting everyday. Eventually we met at his place and went out for coffee. At the end of our night I was so nervous I was shaking when I told him goodbye, anticipating that he may never call again after our awkward first date but he texted as soon as I left telling me he had a great time and that he'd like to meet again!
We went out once a week for about a month and everything was great. On our third "date" he asked me to sleep over at his apartment and I said sure. We were cuddling a lot on his couch that night, I felt very uncomfortable because I'm not a touchy feely type of person. I decided not to stay that night. The next time though I did. He wanted me to sleep in bed with him but I decided to sleep on the couch and he was fine with that. The next morning we got up and had breakfast everything was going fine until I let lust take over and I kissed him. We started making out. He said that he "wasn't expecting that" he said he thought I didn't like him. I wanted to make things less awkward so I told him that it was my first kiss and I never had a boyfriend before. This had the opposite effect... He started to drift away after I told him this. I asked him if I could be his girlfriend and he said "I don't know... Does that mean I can't talk to ther girls?" He still asked me to come hangout with him though so I did. I couldn't control myself in his presence anymore. We had "oral" sex twice and the second night he begged me to stay after we had finished but I didn't have permission from my mom to stay the night so I left.
He stopped contacting me after this. I tried texting him frequently and he would usually reply. Then I asked him if we could "hangout" again and he texted "I don't think that's a good idea. I can't date anyone right now and I don't think it's right to keep up this friends with benefits thing. It's just too soon for me." I was heart broken. I asked if we could still be friends and I apologized for making things awkward and he replied "sure we can be friends. It's going to be hard not trying to kiss you though. You didn't do anything wrong and I didn't feel pressured into anything."
After that he deleted his facebook and stopped contacting me. He put his Facebook back up after a month and we started talking alittle but I could tell he felt uncomfortable. I was later so desperate to see him again that I asked if we could go see a movie for my birthday because all of my friends were out of town at a convention. Looking back now I see this made me look like a huge loser. The meet up was very awkward but I was so happy just being with him again. After this though he stopped talking to me completely.
A few months went by and he texted me out of the blue saying he thought he saw me on the bus. I told him it wasn't me and he started getting flirty with me again like he used to. He asked how I've been doing and we caught up but after that I didn't get another text from him. He still likes my facebook statuses frequently... This doesn't help me forget about him. He's mentioned on his Facebook that he is online dating now. He says that he's lonely and all he wants is true love. I don't know what to do. Should I delete him from facebook? I can't stand to see his Facebook updates anymore, they remind me of all the mistakes I have made. Should I give him my new number and try to reconnect? I don't want to stroke his ego. He's hurt me so bad already. I'm just afraid that I will never meet anyone better. I'll just get worse and worse with dating after all of these rejections. I think I am ugly and I have no self confidence. I've been bullied a lot in grade school and middle school for being the ugly girl and I was told I was to ugly to ever have a boyfriend. I just want a relationship so bad. I've always wanted to prove the bullies wrong. Since I met him I moved out to a small town and I live alone far away from my friends. Btw I rarely ever get asked out. I can recall 3 times in my life where I've been asked out by a guy. I feel undesirable. All of my friends are happy and successful with thier relationships I've told them my story but they cannot relate. What are your thoughts on this situation?
Batjokes, don't get too desperate for a boyfriend. I didn't have my first 'official' girlfriend until I was 20 and it wasn't that great. Honestly, I can relate to you as I used to get bullied back in grade school and was put in a similar situation but don't dread on the words that people say to you! Not everyone goes through the same situations and it's better to not try and relate your situation to those around you. Nevertheless, what I would suggest is try to is block and delete him of Facebook and move on. Put more value to yourself and learn to love yourself before seeking a relationship. One of the quote's I've always lived by is "if you never learn to truly love yourself nobody else will". You have to focus on bettering your life and yourself before you go out seeking a relationship. Remember, you are still young!
How can I prevent my relationships from becoming another huge mess in the future? I can't control my emotions, I get anxious very easily around people,I just imagine it'll be so much worse if I tried to date someone.
Dating in your 20s is really hard. There are too many players (men and women), too many people who don't know what they want, too many people who think they're going to be young and have options forever, too many people with confidence issues, emotional issues, unrealistic expectations, etc... combined with the fact that everyone thinks they're a superstar and won't settle for anything less than the best of the best.
This might sound unlikely, but I learned a lot more about relationships by reading about them than by actually dating people. People don't always know what they're doing and reading the 'instructions' can help you out a lot.
I would recommend reading about anxiety and impulse control... sometimes it's a simple matter of channelling your energies into other things as opposed to letting them run your life.
the good news is that guys arent critical towards women being nervous as if it was the other way around
i understand why he reacted the way he did when you dove on him that morning followed by you dropping those bombs on him
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