To all the "my gf/bf need's space" and "why is she/he still calling me when in a new relationship" threads (dating, wife)

[superdav]

My gf/bf and I broke up because he/she wants 'space'.. Now he/she is dating someone else, but still messes around with me, calls me all the time, etc, etc... What should I do?"

Well, I've seen some of the other answers some people felt necessary to put up... "They're playing games."
(Im just gonna use the " she broke up with me" as the scenario )

Most likely not. It is a guy's need to feel that women are manipulative game players to help them deal with the fact that maybe she just didn't want to be with you anymore, but she still has pangs for the comfort of the old relationship. Most people are NOT manipulative. Think about it this way: Most people do NOT want to hurt the feelings of others, and will go out of their way to NOT do anything malicious or ill-conceived. For everyone to assume that "she's playing games" is downright stupid. While, sure, some more immature girls might want to have their cake and eat it too, most of them are a) flattered by the attention, but at the same time b) unsure how to respond to it.

So then, why is she doing what she's doing? Let's bring a couple basic facts into this:

First off, most people need to be in situations they are familiar with. I've mentioned this in other 'answers' to people's dilemmas, but it's worth bringing up again. You are drawn to what you know. The type of relationship you want on a subconcious level is based on the types of relationships you were exposed to as a child. Sure, there will be degrees to which they will vary, but for the most part, the relationship skills you have are modeled on the people who influenced you as a child.

Let's talk about what I like to call "Star-crossed lover's syndrome" for a minute... Have you ever met someone and said, "Wow, we just met, but I feel like I have known you my whole life"? Of course you have...Everyone has. The reason is simple: The person fits into a mold where their behavior reminds you of people you already know... Therefore, you are already comfortable dealing with them, because of the basic familiarity of their behavior.

Let me give an imaginary example "tom"and his girlfriend/ wife : When they met, he felt like he had known her his whole life... The conversation never struggled, there were never lapses... he felt like he was talking to one of his friends he had known for years, or a member of his family... Why? Well, she was an incredible smart-ass (just like his father)... She had an extensive knowledge of history (just like his uncle)... She actually knew some things about basketball, and he was an incredible basketball fan and played almost daily (just like his group of friends), she loved dogs (just like his entire family)... The list goes on and on and on... So, based on these actions, him and her were already on a comfort level it would take months to attain with someone who didn't have those similar experiences.

So now, what does this have to do with the above mentioned situation?

The reason why your ex-girlfriend comes back/calls/sleeps with you/whatever is due to the familiarity of the situation. It's not necessarily that she misses you, wants you back, thinks you have the biggest manly part the side of John Holmes, it's that you are a known entity. There are no surprises... Basically, the same routine/lack of change/boredom that made her want to "think things over" is the very thing she's coming back for. And, you will see that if her relationship with "the new guy" continues, her coming back for that familiarity will be less and less often as her familiarity with the new guy grows.

Now, that is the main condition. There are several underlying conditions as well, and the biggest is her own insecurity with the new relationship. Basically, this runs right alongside with the familiarity issue brought up above, and as the familiarity increases, her insecurity in the new relationship will decrease. She has broken up with you under the guise of "I need space" and has taken up with a new guy... But, what if it doesn't work out? She wants something to fall back on, yes? Despite what she might have told you about needing "space" she doesn't necessarily want to be alone, which is the reason why she's seeing someone new. But, guess what? Just like how you are apprehensive about being with someone new, so is she... So, her natural fear of being rejected by the new guy is allayed somewhat by the prospect of you welcoming her back with open arms. The fact that she told you she needed space means that you probably would take her back: You weren't the one who terminated the relationship, therefore, you are more attached to her than she to you. She knows this, and counts on it. It might seem like game playing to some, but think of it this way... If you are playing on the monkey bars, you don't let go of the rung you are on until you have a firm grasp on the next one.

So, what to do? Well, if you want her back after she has shown you that she has the ability to up and leave and get with another guy, that's on you. Personally, if someone told me they wanted "space" to think things through, then started dating someone else, I would say, "Well, you obviously thought about it, decided the grass was greener, and I'm moving on to different things." I would walk away with my head held high.

Let's have a bit of a reality check here: The odds of your relationship failing are very, very good. The odds of your relationship succeeding are very, very poor. Fact: 1 out of 2 marriages end in divorce... and of the 50% that don't end in divorce, 50% of those are unhappy! And think, that's usually after you've dated a bunch of people and finally said "Wow, you're the one I want to be with for the rest of my life."

Why am I painting such a dour picture? Simple: Take every relationship at face value. Do not be afraid to move on when the time is right. Every relationship will offer you the same thing: An opportunity to learn something new about yourself and your interactions with others. The mistake is not pulling the plug when you should, and keeping a failing, miserable relationship on life support.

If you find yourself in the "unique" position of having a gf/bf who wants "space", I suggest you take the time to learn the following skill:

Step outside yourself and analyze your relationship... Why should you stay? Why should you go? Has it run it's course? Why should he/she stay? Why should he/she go? What have you learned?

The basic moral here is simple: Learn to inventory your life. Find the things you need. Eliminate those you don't. What many of you guys and gals fail to realize is that you can be part of a couple, yet be independent. You don't need a gf/bf, and you don't need to be in a relationship. Sure, they are nice... Sure, it's fun... Yes, everyone loves to get laid, but the world will keep turning whether you are single or in a relationship, and although it seems difficult to move on, you can do it fairly easily if you remember the key to it: You can start, or you can stop. Very simple.

So, to those who have the situation in this thread, I say this:He or She leaving or wanting space can actually be the best thing to happen to you. You never know who you'll find around the next corner.

[RodNate]

My I assume x girlfriend had an abusive marriage, her last 3 boyfriends cheated on her, she has 3 children. I dated her for 140 days, fell in love with her, did everything for her and her kid's, told her I wanted to be different than the others and show her in every way I loved her. I took her to all the best restaurants, went out on weekends, gave her flowers every 26th, anniversary, took her and kid's food many times, made her breakfast every morning for work, picked her up, dropped baby off at babysitting, let her use my truck, the list goes on. Her birthday took her to dinner gave her card with money and presents, Christmas presents for her and kids which they've not had before, even her. Her dad passed away several yrs ago, got her a picture from with his name engraved. Valentines, made dinner reservations, she said her kids needed her and couldn't go, never seen her, I sent 2 doz roses to her house, she sent text saying only thank you, 2 days later she sent text saying she really needed her space, that was 30 days ago and hasn't called or text me, Facebook shows she's apparently seeing another guy, apparently ex boyfriend, full of tatoos, looks like hes just out of prison, so I guess in this case it fits what your saying, despite my intentions to marry her her and move her and kids to my new 4 bedroom home, love her more everyday and give them the best life I could, she left me for someone who will treat her like crap and cheat on her, uncaring how kids will be affected just to get back to what she knows, treated terrible, it broke my heart everyway possible and she didn't care at all, hope all woman are not like this.

[rosebyanothername]

OP, you brought up some good points in your post. However, for you to refer to the thinking of anyone who posts their opinions on this board when they are trying to help someone else as "stupid" is really unnecessary. I am one of the many who have used the words "game playing" and really that can mean different things to different people. To me, when two people are in a relationship and one of them breaks up for whatever reason, then dates someone else and then wants to be with their ex again, and quickly ends it again, that is game playing. It is messing with someone's mind and really quite cruel. To justify it by saying it is acceptable behavior because the person "needs space" (for what reason? to have the opportunity to date others? Fine, date others...just don't do this back and forth thing where you are hurting the people involved while thinking only of yourself.)

Is my reasoning "stupid"? Maybe it is in your mind, and that is your opinion and you are certainly entitled to it. However, it is really not good to use such a derogatory word to try to prove your point and possibly hurt people who are trying to help other hurting people. To me, that is careless and lacks intelligence.

[funymann]

There is no way in heck I'm gunna read that 5 page rant.