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One other thing might be going on is that over time Jill may have developed feelings for you, maybe something she didn't even expect (maybe she doesn't even know about them now and maybe that's what's being expressed). That's about all I can come up with.
I keep coming back to why Jill would encourage me to date other people. If she were interested in me, it doesn't make sense that she'd want me to date someone else. But then I started thinking about how she compared herself to Mary, which struck me as a little odd. Why would she do that? She's never compared herself to anyone else I dated. So why start with Mary? It just occurred to me after I started this thread that all the other women I dated were very different than Jill. Jill is over 40 amd slightly overweight. She's single and frequently says that men don't want to date her because of her age and her weight. I personally think that's just an excuse she clings to. Maybe she thinks that's why I'm not interested in her either. Of the previous women I dated, a few were overweight or over 40, but not both. Mary is over 40 and overweight. I wonder if that's why Jill is upset. If she really convinced herself that I didn't want to date her because of her age and weight, it could be upsetting to see me dating Mary. Cause now she has to come to the realization that it was never about her age or her weight. Anyways, that's a potential theory I'm tossing around in my head.
Here's something I forgot to mention in my original post. Jill has actually been the one encouraging me to get out and start dating again. That's why I don't think Jill is/was interested in being more than friends with me. If that were the case, why would she encourage me to date other people? In the past when I dated people, Jill never acted jealous. She seemed to be happy for me. That's why her reaction to me dating Mary caught me by surprise. I thought she'd be happy for me. But now it seems like she's upset. And I know she doesn't dislike Mary, or at least she didn't. They were friends before who hung out, even without me. But the way she ignored Mary and wouldn't even look at her makes me think her problem is with Mary, not because she dislikes Mary personally, but rather what Mary represents. But it's hard for me reconcile the conflicting messages I'm getting from Jill. She says she wants me to date, but now she's mad that I'm dating someone. She says she wants to be friends with me again, but gets mad when I show up "flaunting" my new GF.
She doesn't want you but doesn't want anyone she already know to gave you either? I also agree with the jealousy thing and feeling like the third wheel when you two used to be a pair of friends.
I keep coming back to why Jill would encourage me to date other people. If she were interested in me, it doesn't make sense that she'd want me to date someone else. But then I started thinking about how she compared herself to Mary, which struck me as a little odd. Why would she do that? She's never compared herself to anyone else I dated. So why start with Mary? It just occurred to me after I started this thread that all the other women I dated were very different than Jill. Jill is over 40 amd slightly overweight. She's single and frequently says that men don't want to date her because of her age and her weight. I personally think that's just an excuse she clings to. Maybe she thinks that's why I'm not interested in her either. Of the previous women I dated, a few were overweight or over 40, but not both. Mary is over 40 and overweight. I wonder if that's why Jill is upset. If she really convinced herself that I didn't want to date her because of her age and weight, it could be upsetting to see me dating Mary. Cause now she has to come to the realization that it was never about her age or her weight. Anyways, that's a potential theory I'm tossing around in my head.
It could also be that she doesn't understand why someone is interested in Mary when men aren't interested in her. Or maybe Jill thought that maybe you'd ask Jill out when you decided to date. Or maybe she just thinks Mary is wrong for you.
Nobody is going to know for sure what is going on with Jill except for Jill. It could have nothing to do with you and everything to do with Mary or vice versa.
Last edited by Dewdroplet76; 03-13-2015 at 08:38 PM..
It sounds like Jill is trying to make you feel guilty for choosing Mary for a girlfriend.
If you value your friendship with Jill it would be good to have a talk with her and tell her you are confused about why she is so upset at you. Give her a chance to explain what is real reason. If "friendship" is all that there ever was between the two of you, as a true friend she should be happy for you. The only reason I can see for her to react the way she did is because she is jealous of her. Since you said both of you have dated other people before this happened and she had no problem with it....well.... I think there is a movie title that sums it up...."There's Something About Mary....."
I keep coming back to why Jill would encourage me to date other people. If she were interested in me, it doesn't make sense that she'd want me to date someone else. But then I started thinking about how she compared herself to Mary, which struck me as a little odd. Why would she do that? She's never compared herself to anyone else I dated. So why start with Mary? It just occurred to me after I started this thread that all the other women I dated were very different than Jill. Jill is over 40 amd slightly overweight. She's single and frequently says that men don't want to date her because of her age and her weight. I personally think that's just an excuse she clings to. Maybe she thinks that's why I'm not interested in her either. Of the previous women I dated, a few were overweight or over 40, but not both. Mary is over 40 and overweight. I wonder if that's why Jill is upset. If she really convinced herself that I didn't want to date her because of her age and weight, it could be upsetting to see me dating Mary. Cause now she has to come to the realization that it was never about her age or her weight. Anyways, that's a potential theory I'm tossing around in my head.
I see it as a "friendship jealousy" and nothing more. I don't think Jill "wants" you as a boyfriend or anything. I think she sees it as losing two friends (you and Mary) By you and Mary dating, it changes the whole dynamic of the friendship. I also think you were in the wrong by not telling her sooner. But anyway, you will have to decide how important Jill's friendship is to you or not. It all comes off as really immature, IMO on all of your parts.
This is so not true. Women and men can definitely be great friends. You just need to find a better one.
I do not mind opposite sex friendships within reason.
But when an opposite sex friends acts like the OP's female friend, Jill, I have a problem with that.
The OP's friend reminds me of a former female friend of my husband. Jill's behavior reminds me of how my husband's former female friend acted while we were in a committed relationship as well as when we were engaged.
When my husband told his former female friend that he was proposing marriage to me, she told him that I was not good enough for him, but she did not tell him why.
The thing is this...
I never was into any type of illegal activity
I was not cheating on him in any way
I conducted myself properly because that was how I was raised
And so on
So she did not have a valid reason as to why he should not have proposed marriage to me.
Then we later found out from the guy she was dating at that time, whom my husband knew, the following....
When my husband told her that he was going to propose marriage to me, she told the guy whom she was dating that she wanted to date my husband even though she knew 1) that she 2 of us were in a committed relationship, and 2) that he was going to propose marriage to me. He told her that my husband was off limits because he was going to propose marriage to me, and once he did that, he would be completely off limits. She could not or would not accept the reality of that because she just kept on repeating herself.
I've been on all sides of this type of story many years ago.
The best thing is just to let it go and go with the flow. Take a step back from all this drama. Sometimes overthinking something like this and trying to figure everyone one out is a waste of time & energy.
One of my close lifelong guy friends always disappears when he has a girlfriend. I've told him I just miss meeting him for coffee & lunch. We're not so intertwined in each others life and wouldn't have any drama.
Friendship is a two way street and real true friends are a gift.
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