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I wish I could leave him, but my work is overwhelming and I don’t think I could support myself. My children would also suffer. But since I am angry and depressed half the time, what model do I offer them for a healthy relationship?
Your children would be better off in a more loving enviroment and with you happy. Life is not worth going thru unhappy. You and your children's needs come first before him and his needs. You are shaping your children into the adults they will become.
You can get child support from him to help you out financially.
You know, I think a lot more people would be posting...if we were allowed to create an anyomous (yes, I know the spelling is awful on that one; never could spell that word) name to post. But I think that name, or the original one would get banned because you aren't allowed to have multiple names. As much as some people frown on personal information...sometimes it is good to vent to unbiased people, and not do it face to face. For example, let's say I could say something. But due to being nervous of people I care about accidently reading my posts, I wouldn't do it under my screen name.
What I read of yours, a lot of it sounds like my marriage. I am glad I am not alone.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mariej
I never really loved my husband. He is a good man: good father, provider, and we share similar values, but this is only enough for us to live in a state of barely tolerating each other most of the time. We dated for two years, and I always felt off balance with him. We’d be driving around and I’d say that I needed to go to the bathroom and he would tease me and not let me go. I got pregnant and he agreed to marry. Not a great start. I felt and still feel like a second class citizen with him. He is the boss, his needs matter most and it’s his way or the highway. I don’t feel secure with him. I don’t feel like he really cares to know me the way I want to be known. He does insist that he knows about me, that he observes me and understands me, but this does not feel like love to me. It feels like management. I have had issues with depression and have been asked more than once by counsellors if my marriage contributes to my depressions. It does. I have a huge reservoir of resentments that have not disappeared, and still rankle. I do not like kissing him, because he opens his mouth wide and I have nothing to kiss. He sticks his fingers in my mouth. This does not arouse me. I have told him that he’s not the one who needs heating up. He suggests we have a weekend away so that “he can take care of me.” I don’t even want to be alone with him for that length of time! I know he would pressure me to try to have an orgasm. He would not change what he does. It’s pointless. I do have libido. I know it. But not with him. I wish I had a separate bedroom. Sometimes I know that he really wants sex, that it’s been a while, and I will actually start a fight to avoid it! I prefer to sleep else where. Once sex has been gotten over, I feel relief and freedom for a while.
I wanted to renovate the kitchen and planned to save money to do so. Soon it became his project. I tell him that the one criteria that is important to me is that it’s easy to clean. He tells me to have an open mind, and that since he’s paying for it, he needs to like it, even if he doesn’t clean it. I am lazy, this implies. If I simply cleaned up more often, it wouldn’t be an issue. But the issue is that he takes over, and then gets mad when I point this out. He thinks I overreact and am just miserable. I have told him more than once that men who try to please their wives actually have happier marriages. It’s all about him, his likes, dislikes, needs. When I want to go out and socialize with our mutual friends, he says, “That’s the last thing I want to do right now.” He does not consider that it’s a rare thing for me to actually have the urge to socialize, and it would enrich my life. I often do things that he likes even when I’m not 100% for it, especially sex. Now I am less likely to do it, and he calls it me being a pain in the ass. I grew up with an overbearing male and I am married to one, although it is less in terms of degrees. I’ve been made to feel incompetent about money, about my housekeeping, my parenting, my dishwasher loading abilities. I wish I could leave him, but my work is overwhelming and I don’t think I could support myself. My children would also suffer. But since I am angry and depressed half the time, what model do I offer them for a healthy relationship?
Would love to tell you the whole truth about this - but suffice it to say - I did leave - but came back.
One day at a time...and sometimes it does get better. If you can be friends, it's worth a try. And sometimes the friendship doesn't come until after. Funny how life works.
I am happily married with a 7 mo old. We got married young, and are still young. Never had a lot of money, but were able to pay all of our debts off before the new child arrived. We understand the roles we play in marriage, and though it is never perfect, through God, we are doing well!
I am happily married with a 7 mo old. We got married young, and are still young. Never had a lot of money, but were able to pay all of our debts off before the new child arrived. We understand the roles we play in marriage, and though it is never perfect, through God, we are doing well!
Just wanted to give some hope to this topic.
Glad to see that someone has something positive to say as well!
I am happily married as well! No kids (not yet, but trying)
I am not saying that all marriages should be the same.. but I do think that there are basic guidelines that they all need to be stablized on. My husband is my best friend first. Always has been and always will be. I am really proud of the fact we have never EVER fought about money. I have read that is why alot of marriages fail. No matter how little money we had, we never let it become an issue. I hope that everyone out there can find the help that they need in their relationships and not to give up hope.
I guess with mine, he is not supportive, loves to have control, and it took me 23 years to find this out, I think I messed up somewhere.
Quote:
Originally Posted by poprocksncoke
Glad to see that someone has something positive to say as well!
I am happily married as well! No kids (not yet, but trying)
I am not saying that all marriages should be the same.. but I do think that there are basic guidelines that they all need to be stablized on. My husband is my best friend first. Always has been and always will be. I am really proud of the fact we have never EVER fought about money. I have read that is why alot of marriages fail. No matter how little money we had, we never let it become an issue. I hope that everyone out there can find the help that they need in their relationships and not to give up hope.
Married, now and for the first time In my life I can stick up for myself. I am really lucky that my husband has tought me to do that. He allways says thta I am his filter(wich he needs I guess we are both really lucky.Then again I went through some really bad relationships also, so maybe thats why I appreciate him so much.
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No matter how little money we had, we never let it become an issue. I hope that everyone out there can find the help that they need in their relationships and not to give up hope. 
