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I think Sonic Spork is talking more about how some people are sexually privileged in the dating market. If you are born more attractive its a lot easier to find a partner, if you are born with mental illness its a lot more difficult in the dating market.
But I think a person who is unattractive can find a partner who is unattractive, as they are. So the disadvantage only exists if the unattractive person wants and only pursues a more attractive partner. It's hard to feel compassion for a person who is very overweight but wants his partner to be ultra thin. I suppose I could feel some compassion that perhaps he has some psychological issue that he cannot change the way he thinks. I also don't believe in "thin privilege" because weight is not a fixed trait such as race, gender or sexual orientation; our weight fluctuates throughout our lives and a person can lose or gain weight.
Also, looks are very subjective so who's to say what's attractive to one person might not be to another. This was stated by many posters here, who rejected the results of a study that showed women were attracted to men with higher incomes and men attracted to women with good looks.
Last edited by PriscillaVanilla; 10-14-2019 at 02:35 PM..
But I think a person who is unattractive can find a partner who is unattractive, as they are. So the disadvantage only exists if the unattractive person wants and only pursues a more attractive partner. It's hard to feel compassion for a person who is very overweight but wants his partner to be ultra thin. I suppose I could feel some compassion that perhaps he has some psychological issue that he cannot change the way he thinks. I also don't believe in "thin privilege" because weight is not a fixed trait such as race, gender or sexual orientation; our weight fluctuates throughout our lives and a person can lose or gain weight.
Also, looks are very subjective so who's to say what's attractive to one person might not be to another. This was stated by many posters here, who rejected the results of a study that showed women were attracted to men with higher incomes and men attracted to women with good looks.
Agreed, I have sympathy for a lot of things, but not a lot for that. I feel like if a cat always wants to look at the birds and feels bad that none want to be with the cat...the cat should hang out with the other cats if all they are really complaining about is being lonely with no partner. It truly seems the complaints are about not finding someone who's stereotypical 'hot'. For the most part.
The second part of your comment-- lots of money = attraction, I'm still an exception to this. Lots of money (can)= not trying very hard in other departments, as in the one I walked away from. Sure they can get your attention, but it takes more than that to keep it. IME.
Agreed, I have sympathy for a lot of things, but not a lot for that. I feel like if a cat always wants to look at the birds and feels bad that none want to be with the cat...the cat should hang out with the other cats if all they are really complaining about is being lonely with no partner. It truly seems the complaints are about not finding someone who's stereotypical 'hot'. For the most part.
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I even see the same mentality amongst school-aged children; they get upset if they can't be part of the so-called "popular" clique, but reject the non-popular kids, outcasts, etc. who try to be their friends.
If someone has some serious issue, such as a serious disability that makes dating difficult, then I do feel sorry for that person. But that's about the only situation where I can have compassion. For example, I can't feel sorry for a poor guy who chases only rich women (and yes, I've known some of those). Or a very overweight person who wants only those with buff bodies.
But I think a person who is unattractive can find a partner who is unattractive, as they are. So the disadvantage only exists if the unattractive person wants and only pursues a more attractive partner. It's hard to feel compassion for a person who is very overweight but wants his partner to be ultra thin. I suppose I could feel some compassion that perhaps he has some psychological issue that he cannot change the way he thinks. I also don't believe in "thin privilege" because weight is not a fixed trait such as race, gender or sexual orientation; our weight fluctuates throughout our lives and a person can lose or gain weight.
Also, looks are very subjective so who's to say what's attractive to one person might not be to another. This was stated by many posters here, who rejected the results of a study that showed women were attracted to men with higher incomes and men attracted to women with good looks.
I hear what you are saying and I agree with your point. But there is another side of this. I don't know if you are familiar with Dan Ariely. But he was in a accident and needed facial reconstruction surgery afterwards. This is actually a rather flattering picture of him with his wife.
I think this is more of the attractiveness privilege that I am thinking about here and I do have sympathy for people in this type of situation. Dan Ariely's wife is far more attractive than him and I suspect if he wasn't actually a professor at MIT and Duke he might not actually be married.
I think this is more of the attractiveness privilege that I am thinking about here and I do have sympathy for people in this type of situation. Dan Ariely's wife is far more attractive than him and I suspect if he wasn't actually a professor at MIT and Duke he might not actually be married.
This doesn't support the theory of attractiveness privilege though. It undermines that theory.
What I don't like about the concept of dating privilege is that it implies people in the dating pool are merely commodities that everyone should have equal access to; and if they don't, then that's unfair, even tragic. This type of thinking gave rise to Incel groups on the internet.
So you’re saying the most important thing of value a person can bring to a relationship is looks and if you’re better looking then someone you’re on a higher level then them and a person should only stick to whoever you think is their exact physical equivalent..
You've missed my point entirely. I never said any of that. But the truth is, if another person does not wish to date you, then you cannot be with that person. I also noticed that you just jumped on this thread and haven't been following it, so it's no wonder you don't understand my post.
There are degrees of complaining. There is low level frustration about what you haven't found what you are looking for (think whining and b*tching) and there is high level frustration about not finding what you are looking for (really questioning why your are single, thinking that you are undateable, where you are attacking your own self worth). At you reach the limitations of your frustration tolerance, then you need to adjust your standards to something more attainable.
But if at 30 years old, you want to date someone who is 20, that is still realistic goal for most 30 year old men. But if you are 50 and you still want to date a 20 year old woman, the pool of women who are 20 who are willing to date men who are 50 is pretty small. So if after a year of non-success it might be reasonable to say, what about a nice 35 year old woman? Which at 50 is probably a lot more realistic than 20 year old.
I recently tried that. Things were going great until that 35 year old woman found out my age. I look younger and I never lead with my age these days because I know its a sticking point, which makes me feel worse than I already feel about being 50. I don't feel or act 50, I know that. Anyone who says age is just a number is delusional. It sucks. I haven't wanted to date a 20 year old woman since I was in college.
This doesn't support the theory of attractiveness privilege though. It undermines that theory.
What I don't like about the concept of dating privilege is that it implies people in the dating pool are merely commodities that everyone should have equal access to; and if they don't, then that's unfair, even tragic. This type of thinking gave rise to Incel groups on the internet.
I don't see it that way. But I do believe that the desire to be touched and seen and heard and loved and accepted, is completely natural. And if the world kicks somebody around with the idea that they should never expect this, they don't "deserve it" because THEY are not good enough to win it... Well freaking ouch, right?
Who "deserves" to enjoy being loved by another person? I think we all do. I sincerely hope and wish that everyone has the chance if they want it, except obviously some sort of scary psycho abusers. But I also think we have an obligation to make the best of ourselves so that we can be kind and ethical in relationships.
And anyways, I really do not believe that enough people are these hideous troglodytes, nor pristine perfect Aphrodites/Adonises, for this whole thing of shooting out of one's league to be most of the problem. That's very nearly an 80's movie trope that should have run its course after the Nerds took over and some of them became billionaires.
I think that your incels who only want "Stacy"...the problem with them isn't actually their looks. If they weren't crap on the inside, they could probably get a beautiful woman. Not any specific one they target and choose maybe, there's a chaos element to all this... But what I'm saying is that the incels I've seen photos of are not hideous men. They look pretty average. And then they start talking/typing. And I'm like, "Oh. There it is." But look at those old movies, "Ha ha the geek wants the cheerleader" and whatever. Oh, of course the cheerleader only wants the football player, of course she does. But could not the issue be that he is a condescending and boundary violating kind of guy and she is a nasty, snobby, spoiled obnoxious princess of a mean girl? How is it that the whole story people are picking up is "she's hot and he's ugly"...?
I don't see it that way. But I do believe that the desire to be touched and seen and heard and loved and accepted, is completely natural. And if the world kicks somebody around with the idea that they should never expect this, they don't "deserve it" because THEY are not good enough to win it... Well freaking ouch, right?
I don't see where she said any of that, the part I agreed with is that they should look to one who would be receptive of their interest.
Case in point:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Atlguy39
I recently tried that. Things were going great until that 35 year old woman found out my age. I look younger and I never lead with my age these days because I know its a sticking point, which makes me feel worse than I already feel about being 50. I don't feel or act 50, I know that. Anyone who says age is just a number is delusional. It sucks. I haven't wanted to date a 20 year old woman since I was in college.
This poster should get your sympathy, even though he is admitting someone 'found out' his age? I find out someone's not telling the truth I lose interest too... where does the sympathy come in? Is being truthful a ''privilege" now?
But I think a person who is unattractive can find a partner who is unattractive, as they are. So the disadvantage only exists if the unattractive person wants and only pursues a more attractive partner. It's hard to feel compassion for a person who is very overweight but wants his partner to be ultra thin. I suppose I could feel some compassion that perhaps he has some psychological issue that he cannot change the way he thinks. I also don't believe in "thin privilege" because weight is not a fixed trait such as race, gender or sexual orientation; our weight fluctuates throughout our lives and a person can lose or gain weight.
Also, looks are very subjective so who's to say what's attractive to one person might not be to another. This was stated by many posters here, who rejected the results of a study that showed women were attracted to men with higher incomes and men attracted to women with good looks.
I remember a guy saying this years ago when looking for a companion
" i dont want anyone uglier than me"
lol
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where does the sympathy come in? Is being truthful a ''privilege" now?
