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Your husband is a child, and a control freak. All his requirements about needing time to sleep, time for video games (he sounds like a teenaager), etc. are ways to control you and restrict your activity. This will only get worse over time, not better. This is why a poster asked you why you had another child with this man, tying yourself to him even more. This temperament isn't a good one to expose a child to for 18 years. It's not a loving, happy atmosphere in the home.
And yes, you are asking too much from this man. You're not dealing with a reasonable person. He is being mean and unfair, because he doesn't care about your needs. This is not love. I think you should ask him if he loves you. He'll probably just point to his slaving away at the office 5 days/week, claiming that's proof that he does. But he'd be doing that anyway, even if he were single, so he'd have to come up with a better answer than that. That's only proof of his need to support himself in the style he wants.
Having to walk on eggshells and carefully arrange your lives around him and his anxiety and sleep issues is an extreme case in my book; it's the "side effect" of someone who needs it not being on meds. The right medication can make a world of difference, and the side effects of many drugs are tolerable and temporary in appropriate doses.
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Originally Posted by EvilCookie
I've suggested he maybe go see someone about it, but it's not something he's willing to do at this point (and we're both pretty anti-meds except for extreme cases due to all their side effects, so I can understand where he's coming from). But of course what this then means is that as soon as he feels he can blame the lack of sleep or anxiety on something I did, he does - not really maliciously, but more in that cranky sick toddler kind of way...
He needs to unlearn his anxiety response. Apparently this is a conditioned response from when he was growing up, or else maybe it's some kind of hormone imbalance. A good therapist can help him get to the bottom of it, and establish healthy, new mental habits.
He needs to unlearn his anxiety response. Apparently this is a conditioned response from when he was growing up, or else maybe it's some kind of hormone imbalance. A good therapist can help him get to the bottom of it, and establish healthy, new mental habits.
Good point but I bet this guy won't go to therapy either. Therapy sessions would take time off of his work schedule and he won't be able to focus when there. I wonder how much focus he has now? Maybe a definition of helping his focus would be encouraging.
I don't like the way these way these patterns are setting up (already) for first son though. So, three thumbs-up on the learned behavior. That situation reminds of an old 1950's or 1960 film where the kids are already born, the husband is at work and momma is chugging down some vodka to endure. The vodka chasing starts becoming a habit and then she ends up in a different state ( not knowing how she got there) with classic Stockholm Syndrome at the end of the movie.
Okay...your husband isn't bring a complete jerk now that there isn't a baby around.....tell me again why you had another one ?
I'm wondering the same thing.
Any grown man who is complaining that he cannot sleep in until 10am every weekend day while there are very young children in the house because he's tired from his WoW raid the night before sounds like a manchild that needs a kick in the pants.
That said, the OP isn't doing that difficult a job. I was a single mom to a child with ADHD and I found him pretty easy to placate. One must be creative. Later, when I married and had more kids, I knew my ex was crappy with kids, but I also accepted that he was and I just chose to carry the childrearing weight. He and I divorced eventually, and still carry pretty much all of it... and that's okay by me. I wanted my kids and I love them dearly.
It's a bit baffling that she's so miserable with this facet of her relationship that she's up and decided to add another kid to the mix.
I could totally get her having another if she was comfortable with being the primary caregiver and wasn't so unhappy with her husband's behavior, but she's trying to reform a man that refuses to be reformed and this strikes me as a bizarre time to add another stressor.
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This is where I don't understand why people don't think things through?????? You are already a prisoner in your own home so why would you have another child to "just give your child a sibling???" Did you think this would magically resolve this situation??? What about your personal happiness?? Obviously you want to be miserable for the rest of your life.
What sounds strange to me is that the OP's SO is so stressed by his job. It makes me wonder if he's competent at it. Or maybe he's high-strung, and wigs out easily. Either way, those are not good signs. Not good signs for long-term marriage success, or long-term career success on his part. People who are well-trained, did well in their education, are comfortable at their jobs, and are able to rise to new challenges without stressing out. They're confident in their skills. This doesn't describe the OP's dude.
I could totally get her having another if she was comfortable with being the primary caregiver and wasn't so unhappy with her husband's behavior, but she's trying to reform a man that refuses to be reformed and this strikes me as a bizarre time to add another stressor.
That's the thing though, I AM comfortable and satisfied with my life for the most part; just because I feel like ranting every once in a while doesn't mean I hate my life and am miserable every day. I DID always want to be a sahm and I knew I wanted kids regardless of how active my husband was in the parenting role. Honestly the things I want ARE sort of 'extras' for me if you will, they're not life necessities that will drive me to depression and pill-popping (at least I hope not, LOL!). I know for a fact I would've been a lot more miserable in a situation where I was forced to go to work and leave my young kids, that would've been devastating to me and I am grateful to DH for making this lifestyle possible for me. So with that in mind, no I'm not miserable enough to give up on having a second child and I'm not planning to leave the marriage. I can put up with these issues for the sake of everything else I have - but that doesn't mean I can't feel upset and come on here to rant I feel people are so black and white about relationships and marriages - if you're not 100% happy with every single thing, you need to get out. I don't agree with this and I think life requires compromises. I'm just looking for an objective viewpoint of certain situations, and also looking for advice on things to do or say that could be helpful.
Good point but I bet this guy won't go to therapy either. Therapy sessions would take time off of his work schedule and he won't be able to focus when there. I wonder how much focus he has now? Maybe a definition of helping his focus would be encouraging.
I don't like the way these way these patterns are setting up (already) for first son though. So, three thumbs-up on the learned behavior. That situation reminds of an old 1950's or 1960 film where the kids are already born, the husband is at work and momma is chugging down some vodka to endure. The vodka chasing starts becoming a habit and then she ends up in a different state ( not knowing how she got there) with classic Stockholm Syndrome at the end of the movie.
Yes, I''m very concerned about her bringing a second child into that environment, even as she observes her hubbs has been a bad influence on the first one. And if he won't go to therapy, what does that say about how much he values the marriage, and how much he has his kids' best interests at heart?
Just wondering--was the 2nd child the OP's decision exclusively, or was it a mutual decision?
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I feel people are so black and white about relationships and marriages - if you're not 100% happy with every single thing, you need to get out. I don't agree with this and I think life requires compromises. I'm just looking for an objective viewpoint of certain situations, and also looking for advice on things to do or say that could be helpful.
