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Have you never heard of an anchor baby? People have children to try to keep a marriage together. It never works.
The flags I see here are at the very least yellow, though. Proceed with EXTREME caution.
Yes, anchor babies. But the point is obviously that they didn't think the marriage was QUITE over years ago as they were still canoodling and trying to hold it together by having a baby. It is only NOW that he's saying it was over way back then - very different things.
Why would anybody become involved with a married guy with 2 year old children? He sounds unstable. His marriage is a disaster, yet he stayed for years and had a kid with a woman knowing she isn't the 1 (character flaw). He needs to be single and figure out who or what he really wants. That's in his best interest. Can't do that under all the "pressure." If I were you I'd back off, date other singles, and maybe check back in a year or two.
OP, you are wise to be experiencing this sense of caution. You've found yourself in the middle of a volatile situation and you only know one version of the story. I think your option C is the smartest choice. It's very hard to go with one's head when one wants to follow one's heart, but it's the wisest decision to protect your own self-interests. As well, this guy would be wise to take some time to himself (more than a few months) before entering into another serious relationship.
While I understand the "deeply yearn to be there for him," casting yourself in the role of support system this early on is going to cause you pain, most likely sooner as well as later. You'll have to give up too much of yourself. I speak from experience (different type of experience, but nonetheless, being the supporter/caregiver). For example, the current "few days apart" will likely repeat itself numerous times. And what happens when his lawyer tells him not to date anyone else until his divorce is final?
Option C gives the two of you the best chance for being together down the road, while at the same time, also giving you the best chance to find a more viable relationship. However, it'll only work if you don't wait around for him, and don't compare every man you meet to him. Good luck.
Location: Sodo Sopa at The Villas above Kenny' s House.
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Blunt but honest has arrived. You want a family of your own one day, right? Well when that time comes wouldn't you prefer a man who isn't already paying for one? It's an unfortunate financial dilemma that will undoubtedly effect the quality of your future life ,especially concerning children
OP, you are wise to be experiencing this sense of caution. You've found yourself in the middle of a volatile situation and you only know one version of the story. I think your option C is the smartest choice. It's very hard to go with one's head when one wants to follow one's heart, but it's the wisest decision to protect your own self-interests. As well, this guy would be wise to take some time to himself (more than a few months) before entering into another serious relationship.
While I understand the "deeply yearn to be there for him," casting yourself in the role of support system this early on is going to cause you pain, most likely sooner as well as later. You'll have to give up too much of yourself. I speak from experience (different type of experience, but nonetheless, being the supporter/caregiver). For example, the current "few days apart" will likely repeat itself numerous times. And what happens when his lawyer tells him not to date anyone else until his divorce is final?
Option C gives the two of you the best chance for being together down the road, while at the same time, also giving you the best chance to find a more viable relationship. However, it'll only work if you don't wait around for him, and don't compare every man you meet to him. Good luck.
I understand what you say, but I am quiet not sure if he is a good man as you described. You know about his wife from what he say I think as always in other cases. If you are a single person no kids then I think it is better you find some one who is single and who can settle with you and have a plan for future. I am divorced but divorce is not that easy when the partners cannot agree on things. My Divorce took 5 years to finalized due to no coping habit of my ex, I have the feeling at the end you might get hurt with wasting time. you never know and then end he might stick with his wife. Any thing can happen. Then you are the big loser. So move on forget about him. He is just separated not divorced. If you really need him. Stop seeing him till the divorce is completely done also the financial dividing. There is no other things to say about your situation.
C) We agree to break off all contact, and do not talk to each other for a few months while he finalizes some legal things with his divorce, and processes this on his own. We then agree to talk to each other after a few months and see if we want to start again. This also seems very risky - I may start a new relationship, or he might - or we may just lose our connection. ...
The bolded was what immediately caught my eye. I know you're thinking out loud but that's a very valid point and one to mull over a little more. You've been seeing each other for only three months and seriously involved for only a month so are slap bang in that wonderful "first flush". I know how hard it is to have to make a decision when you're in that phase but, given the circumstances, option (C) is the logical one, in my opinion. All the best, whatever path you choose.
Might be cathartic just for me to write about this, as I am feeling so torn up inside. If anyone has any thoughtful (and positive) advice based on wisdom/experience, etc... thank you.
I've been dating a man, initially very very casually, since about mid-December. In the past few weeks, after going on a few trips together, and spending a lot more time together, we are acting more and more like a serious couple, and we've become exclusive. Initially I was the one holding off, insisting on us staying casual, and he was pursuing me hard, talking about possible future, introducing me to his friends, etc. But the more time we've spent together, the closer we've gotten, and I'm starting to fall for him. We both feel we are very compatible, the chemistry and sex is off the charts, and our communication is fantastic (he is by far the best communicator I have ever dated, and is very upfront, honest, and kind with me. I've been floored by his integrity.).
Here's the kicker: the timing. He has been separated from his wife for 8 months (where he had a lot of alone time to work on himself apparently, which is a plus), and they have a son. Their son just turned two. The marriage was apparently 'over' for years, and they mutually agreed to divorce. He told me this on the first date, and I proceeded cautiously based on this information. Only recently have I met his son (he is taking things slowly regarding that, btw - which I highly respect). His ex has apparently begun seeing someone else seriously as well. However, things have very recently become nasty between them - a lot of arguing around how to raise their son with co-custody - and she is threatening legal/financial/custody repercussions to him if he doesn't 'play the game' her way. As their divorce is not yet final, this is scary and serious and complex. He wants the divorce finalized... she is dragging it out and making threats.
This is a terribly difficult situation for him - and I want to be supportive. However, I'm also feeling myself emotionally backing off, because I'm afraid that a new relationship is just too much for him, or I, to take on at this point in their divorce. We've also, however, already become crazy about each other the past couple of months and have openly talked about the future as well. I'm willing to be patient if it is worth it.
Also important - he's not sure about marriage in the future - he feels very cynical about it right now (understandable!) - but he said he may change his mind about that, and he definitely thinks he will want more kids at some point and a family - but that it is too soon to tell. He does say that he feels excited about where things could go between the two of us. I know that I desire children and a marriage - not in the next year or two, but shortly thereafter. Family is very important to me - even more important to me is the bond that I would have with my partner in it.
Here's where I'm at: I'm already emotionally invested, and crazy about him, but I haven't been for very long. Only for about a month. I'm feeling good about where I am in life and excited for dating and meeting new people if need be - I'm also very busy, but I feel ready to meet someone who I could commit to, marry in the future and have children with. I've been doing a lot of work on myself, and I feel very in touch with what I need, and what I can offer. This is a good time for me to start something new, even slowly. I never imagined it would be with a man in this situation, and it'd be a lot for me (and him) to take on, but the thought of us becoming solid feels very good.
At the moment I type this, things have come to a head with his (ex) wife, and he said he needs a few days to process things, because he's feeling extremely stressed about it. So we are apart currently (physically). This is totally understandable, and I told him to take his time and let me know if he needs anything. He said I will be the first he will call.
I know for many these may seem like red flags (he may not be ready for a new relationship), but given our connection, our shared vision for how we want to live our lives, and the fact that he is talking openly about his emotions around all of this, I'm not wanting to just straight walk away. I also am trying to honor my vision for my life, and protect my heart. Love always involves risks, I know this. I'm trying to simultaneously be cautious, yet courageous. It is so confusing. My heart is saying don't be afraid, stay open and have faith, and my mind is saying take a step back and evaluate.
The way I see it is we have three choices:
A) We continue to deepen our relationship, continue to spend a lot of time together, and I give him the space he needs when he needs it. We then talk about it. I stay patient. We continue to live in the moment, have a lot of fun together, and discuss how we are feeling whenever it comes up for either of us. The risk is that I would be spending a lot of time with someone who is in a major life transition, who might not be able to make a real commitment to me for a very long time (if ever), while I am ready for a serious relationship (not to jump in, but for it to be heading that way...).
B) We try to go back to casual, and date other people, while still talking/spending time with one another. This is possible, but I'm not sure I can emotionally handle it now that we have been so vulnerable with each other and have shared so much. It sounds potentially volatile.
C) We agree to break off all contact, and do not talk to each other for a few months while he finalizes some legal things with his divorce, and processes this on his own. We then agree to talk to each other after a few months and see if we want to start again. This also seems very risky - I may start a new relationship, or he might - or we may just lose our connection. It also doesn't feel very natural to do this, and realistically his divorce could take up to a year, so a few months might not change anything. I also deeply yearn to be there for him.
I'm torn, and stressed about this... he and I are in good communication around it, but there are so many factors that are difficult and complicated, that I wanted to type this up. Thank you for listening and if you have any words of wisdom for me, I am thankful. Have a beautiful day. :-)
I have been the guy in this situation and he doesn't sound much different than any other guy who has a small child and a vindictive ex-wife going through a divorce. The only thing I would question is why the ex-wife is trying to get him to "play the game her way" in this. Usually an ex tries to screw the other because they were wronged somehow, or they are trying to come out financially ahead to start their new life with someone else who may be already in the picture. Since you say he says he is not sure about marriage in the future, I have to speculate he is the one who got hurt in this and it was her idea.
It is not unusual for a divorce to take YEARS in my state. Eight months is nothing. If you have never been through a divorce, you can't imagine what kind of crap a man/woman can put you through and it is understandable that he needs some space, he is probably overwhelmed and all kinds of stuff is going through his head. He is probably under financial stress too. He is probably losing half (or more) of everything he owns and his 401k and retirement. And he is worried about child custody.
If you love him and you think he loves you, you need to not push him, but not run either. If you two care about each other you should be there for him. When I went thru a divorce, it was the worst time in my life. I lost my home, kids and half of everything I owned and I had nobody to talk to through any of it. He needs you right now and if you pull away it would probably be a relationship killer IMO.
I would hit pause, at the very least. His life is going to get a lot more complicated before it starts settling down, and his attention will need to be primarily on that, not on nurturing a new relationship. Also, you want to be with somebody who legitimately wants to be with you in your own right, not somebody who simply needs a supportive listening ear and somebody to be there for him in a tough time, and that is always a risk, when someone is going through upheaval.
I would also wonder why the split went from mutual/possibly more amicable to suddenly antagonistic.
... you should be there for him ... I had nobody to talk to through any of it. He needs you right now and if you pull away it would probably be a relationship killer IMO.
And what a relationship killer and a traumatic letdown if she stays in her role of mothering hen, confidante and healer of all wounds for months and even years, for him to get himself back to some degree of normalcy and decide she's not "the one" for him. When you needed someone to talk to in your bad period you could have seen a psychologist to help guide you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TabulaRasa
... Also, you want to be with somebody who legitimately wants to be with you in your own right, not somebody who simply needs a supportive listening ear and somebody to be there for him in a tough time, and that is always a risk, when someone is going through upheaval.
Absolutely. I know both from personal experience and from research that the "stop gap" relationship - even when entered into with all good intentions - very rarely works out. Both men and women who go through this sort of major upheaval need extended recovery time to find themselves and become happy with themselves before entering into another serious relationship. If only I'd known then what I know now, a lot of hurt would have been averted!
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